Die groot getal egskeidings in veral die Westerse wêreld

Wêreldwyd is die huwelik as instelling in ’n krisis as gevolg van die geweldige toename in mislukte huwelike. Browning en Miller-McLemore wys reeds in 1999 (:16) daarop dat die VSA die hoogste egskeidingsyfer in die wêreld het met ongeveer 50% van alle nuwe huwelike wat eindig in wettige ontbinding. In 1961 was daar in Groot-Brittanje 27 200 egskeiding wat gestyg het tot 166 700 in 2003 (Thatcher 2007:7). In Australië is die regering van mening dat tussen 32% en 46% van huwelike in egskeiding sal eindig (:9).

In Suid-Afrika is die egskeidingsyfer wel laer, maar dit moet verstaan word teen die agtergrond van die huwelikskoers in Suid-Afrika. In vergelyking met die meeste samelewings in die res van Afrika is die huwelikskoers in Suid-Afrika oor die algemeen laag (Amoateng et al 2004:58; vergelyk Amoateng & Richter 2003:253-254). In 1996 was die koers van geregistreerde huwelike in Suid-Afrika 362 per 100 000 van die bevolking (StatsSA 1998b:1) en in 2000 was dit 328 per 100 000 van die bevolking (StatsSA 2003b:6). Amoateng en ander (2004:58) wys daarop dat die huwelikskoers by Swartmense die laagste is en dat Indiërs en Blankes relatief ’n hoë huwelikskoers het.

At ages 30-34 years, 37% of African are married, and 51% at ages 35 to 39 years of age. For other population groups at the same respective ages, the figures are 51% and 60% for coloureds, 72% and 86% for Asians, and 82% and 83% for Whites.…Africans and Coloureds who earn less are less likely to be married, while among Indians and Whites, income has no effect on marriage rates. Education does not have a large effect on marriage rates in general. Generally, the more educated groups are more likely to be married, except among Whites, where the more educated groups have lower marriage rates. It is likely that marriage rates may drop more. The increasing of women in the labour force, due to their increased educational and occupational opportunities, has reduced women’s economic dependence on marriage. At the same time, marriage has been gradually losing its special status in law, as legal reforms have led to a greater recognition of equality and neutrality in matters of common-law marriage, cohabitation, and care and custody of children.

(Amoateng et al 2004:58-59) In die lig van die lae huwelikskoers in Suid-Afrika is die egskeidingskoers ook relatief laag. Amoateng en ander (2004:xii) sê selfs dat “[m]arriages in the country are more likely to dissolve through death than divorce….” Amoateng en Richter (2003:257) wys daarop dat dit redelik algemeen aanvaar word dat Afrikane se huwelike daartoe neig om stabiel te wees. “The stability is attributed to the role of lineage or extended family in marital arrangements and, in some cases, practices of endogamy. In contrast, individualism and the ethos of romantic love that prevail in Western societies make marriages in such societies relatively unstable.” Tog bly dit jammer dat relatief baie huwelike jaarliks ontbind word en dat talle minderjarige kinders daardeur geraak word. Die volgende tabel, saamgestel uit die publikasies van StatsSA (2000a, 2002a, 2003b, 2004a, 2005) oor huwelike en egskeidings vir die jare 1997 tot 2002, toon dat die Suid-Afrikaanse prentjie met betrekking tot egskeidings soos volg lyk:

Jaartal Swart Bruin Indiër/Asiër Blank Gemeng Ongespesi-fiseerd Totaal Koers2 19973 7174 4643 1685 15295 184 5259 34231 (34240) 643 1998 6673 3790 1753 14443 250 8883 35792 662 1999 6823 3938 1976 14785 357 9219 37098 660 2000 7623 3365 1746 15211 401 5756 34102 595 2001 7860 3872 1672 14718 470 5453 34045 582 2002 7050 3581 1525 14171 365 4678 31370 526

(Die bostaande tabel moet gelees word met inagneming van die lae huwelikskoers in Suid-Afrika, soos hierbo genoem, en ook die afname in die huwelikskoers.)

Hieruit is dit duidelik dat die meeste egskeidings onder die blanke bevolking in Suid-Afrika voorkom en dat blanke huwelike dus die onstabielste is. Onder blankes kom egskeiding alreeds voor by pare waarvan die

2 Met koers word bedoel “the modified crude divorce rate” wat gebaseer word op 100 000 van die getroude pare (StatsSA 2005:4).

man onder die ouderdom van 20 jaar is. Dit styg skerp na die ouderdom van 24 jaar en bereik sy piek in die ouderdomsgroep 30 tot 34 jaar. Die meeste huwelike ontbind by alle bevolkingsgroepe in die tydperk 0 tot 9 jaar. By blankes in daar ’n groot groep wat reeds in die eerste vier jaar skei. As gevolg van die feit dat so baie huwelike reeds in die eerste nege jaar ontbind, is daar ’n redelike groot aantal minderjarige kinders en eintlik jong kinders by egskeidings betrokke. Die volgende tabel, saamgestel uit die publikasies van StatsSA (2000a, 2002a, 2003b, 2004a, 2005) oor huwelike en egskeidings vir die jare 1997 tot 2002, toon dat die prentjie met betrekking tot minderjarige kinders betrokke by egskeidings soos volg lyk:

Jaartal Swart Bruin Indiër/Asiër Blank Gemeng Ongespesi-fiseerd Totaal 1997 9722 7542 2488 16445 214 7065 43476 1998 8969 6027 2620 15848 276 11383 45123 1999 9136 5955 2814 15590 356 11509 45360 2000 9627 4589 2237 15500 416 6464 38833 2001 9640 5377 1951 14854 420 5561 37803 2002 8578 4868 1794 14031 342 4787 34200

(Die bostaande tabel moet gelees word met inagneming van die lae en dalende huwelikskoers, die laer egskeidingskoers en die dalende geboortekoers.)

Uit hierdie syfers kan afgelei word dat by die meeste egskeidings minderjarige kinders betrokke is. Die grootste getal minderjarige kinders wat by egskeiding betrokke is, kom by die blankes voor. “The Youth and Family Census Profile” (Codrington 1999a: Family) het in 1999 bevind dat 65% van Suid-Afrika se adolessente alreeds egskeiding ervaar het. In hierdie verslag sê Codrington (: Family):

I recently read of a young girl who was asked to help a new girl settle in at school. Trying to break the ice, she asked whether she lived with her mother or father. The new girl, somewhat bemused, answered that she lived with both parents - and wasn't that normal? On reflection, the young girl who had asked the question realised that in her own experience and that of her group of friends, it certainly was not normal - in fact, she had never thought that someone would have two parents at home.

Die egskeidingsgebeure is gewoonlik ’n traumatiese ervaring vir kinders. Kinders kan die egskeiding as ’n vorm van verwerping ervaar en dit beleef dat die ouers haar/hom nie meer lief het nie. Dit bring dikwels verwydering tussen kinders en hul ouers mee. Kinders word gewoonlik onder die toesig van een ouer geplaas. Skielik word die verhouding met die een ouer beperk sodat hy/sy net ’n “naweek-ouer” of “vakansie-ouer” word. Soms lei die egskeiding ook tot geografiese verskuiwing en die gepaardgaande ontworteling uit die bekende omgewing. Selfs waar die egskeidingsgebeure met die minimum konflik tussen die ouers gepaard gaan, is dit nie noodwendig minder traumaties vir die kinders nie. In die heel eerste nasionale ondersoek in die VSA na die morele en geestelike ervaring van jong volwassenes wat as

kinders in egskeidingsituasies opgegroei het4, kom Marquardt (2005a) tot die gevolgtrekking dat die sogenaamde “goeie” egskeiding5, ’n mite is en nie kinders se ervaring van die werklikheid ernstig genoeg opneem nie. Marquardt het die volgende bevind:

Only one-fifth of the grown children of divorce say their parents had "a lot" of conflict after the divorce. But they also say that the conflict between their parents' worlds did not go away just because their parents did not fight. Instead, after a divorce the tough job of making sense of the parents' different worlds--that is, trying to resolve their parents' often radically different beliefs, values and ways of living--becomes the child's job alone.

As a result, many grown children of divorce say they felt divided inside. Compared to their peers with married parents, they are twice as likely to say that, growing up, they felt like a different person with each of their parents.

Most startling, two-thirds said their divorced parents seemed like polar opposites, compared to one-third of those with married parents, even though few said their divorced parents conflicted a lot. When their parents did have conflicts, those with married parents were very confident their parents would "get over it"--three times more so. For the children of divorce, it is clear that something about the divorce itself makes their parents' worlds seem locked in lasting conflict, even when the parents do not fight.

Marquardt (2005c) wys ook daarop dat egskeiding dikwels lei tot intense gevoelens van eensaamheid by die kinders.

The grown children of divorce also report that the job of traveling between two worlds, struggling alone to make sense of them, is a lonely one. They are three times more likely to agree, ''I was alone a lot as a child," and seven times more likely to strongly agree with that sentiment. Over and over, their stories made it clear that being the only link between your parents' two worlds is a lonely place for a child to be. When parents are married, the whole family gets together because, well, that's what families do. When parents are divorced, they get together only because of the child.

Die akkumulerende effek van egskeiding oor die jare heen het tot gevolg dat al hoe meer kinders opgroei in enkelouer-families met min of geen kontak met die ander ouer nie tot nadeel van hulle ontwikkeling. Browning en ander (2000:56) wys daarop dat McLanahan en Sandefur na deeglike empiriese navorsing in die VSA tot die volgende gevolgtrekking gekom het: “Children who grow up in a household with only one biological parent are worse off, on average, than children who grow up in a household with both of their

4 Hierdie ondersoek was ’n projek van die Institute for American Values onder leiding van Elizabeth Marquardt, ’n navorser van die instituut, en Norval Glenn, ’n sosioloog aan die Universiteit van Texas-Austin. Die navorsing “involved 1,500 randomly selected young adults from around the country between the ages of 18 and 35 years old. Half of these young people experienced their parents’ divorce before they were fourteen years old and the other half grew up in intact families. Those from divorced families continued to stay in contact with both parents after the divorce. The questions included in the national survey were inspired by seventy-one in-person interviews Marquardt conducted with young adults in the same age group in four urban areas of the country” ([Online]. Available from: <http://www.betweentwoworlds.org/pages/summary.php> [Accessed 6 July 2006]). Die resultate van die ondersoek is gepubliseer in: Marquardt, E 2006. Between two worlds. The inner lives of children of divorce. Oor die metodologie wat gevolg is, kan meer gelees word by http://www.betweentwoworlds.org/pages/data.php.

5 Marquardt (2005b) verduidelik hierdie uitdrukking as “the reassuring concept that it's not divorce itself that harms children but simply the way that parents divorce. If divorced parents stay involved with their child and don't fight, they say, then children will be fine.”

biological parents, regardless of the parents’ race or educational background, regardless of whether the parents are married when the child is born, and regardless of whether the resident parent remarries.”6 Hulle wys daarop dat “[t]he children of single parents do worse on four of five measures of high school performance – test scores, college expectations, grade point average, and school attendance” (:57). Met verwysing na die bevindinge van verskillende navorsingsprojekte toon Browning (1995:76) die volgende aan:

[T]hat 70 percent of young men in prisons grew up without fathers in their home, that the children of single parents are five times more likely to be poor and two times more likely to drop out of school. Eighty percent of adolescents in psychiatric hospitals come from broken homes; three out of four teenagers suicides occur in households where a parent (generally the father) has been absent; and children living apart from a biological parent are 20 to 40 percent more vulnerable to illness.

Egskeiding lei dikwels tot ’n verlies van talle belangrike verhoudinge vir die kind. Omdat hulle dikwels naweke en vakansies met die ander ouer deurbring, word dit vir hulle baie moeilik om vriendskappe na skoolure te handhaaf en kan hulle ook nie altyd op ’n gereelde wyse by ’n spesifieke gemeente inskakel nie (Withers 2006:4). J W White (1988:2) wys verder daarop dat “[d]uring critical formative years…they are often cut off from developing multiple primary bonds. Children, parents, and related others in a divorce are all inhibited from developing significant cross-generational interpersonal relationships.”

Egskeiding laat ook nie die godsdienstige lewe van kinders onaangeraak nie. Marquardt (2006:1) het die volgende bevind: “Overall, on a number of measures, young people from divorced families are substantially less religious and less tied to faith communities compared to their peers from intact families, and they often approach the stories of the faith in dramatically different ways.” Marquardt (:7) wys ook op die volgende:

People from divorced families are only half as likely as those from intact families to say that they attended services frequently throughout their childhood. One reason children of divorce grow up to be less religious is that their parents, too, are less likely to be religious. Overall, people who divorce are less religious than people who do not. But even if their parents did practice a faith while married, the complicated logistics of divorce with a family divided in two and the children travelling between them, could spell an end to the children’s ties to a faith community.

Overall, whether due to their parents having less interest in religion or the lack of closeness some had with their parents after the divorce, children of divorce are much less likely to recall finding sources of religious and spiritual guidance in their families. For example, they are far less likely to say that their parents encouraged them to practice a religious faith.

Kinders se Godsbeeld word ook negatief beïnvloed deur egskeiding. Marquardt wys daarop dat “[c]hildren of divorce are more likely to agree that the suffering they witness in the world and in their own lives makes them doubt the existence of a loving God. They are more likely to feel that no one really understands them and more of them feel that the hardships in their life come from God” ([Online]. Available from: <http://www.betweentwoworlds.org/pages/summary.php> [Accessed 6 July 2006]).

Een van die hartseer bevindinge van Marquardt se navorsing is dat die kerk dikwels nie daar is om kinders in ’n egskeidingsituasie te ondersteun nie. Marquardt (2006:2) sê hieroor:

Our most poignant finding, and the one that should challenge churches everywhere to take a hard look at their ministry to children and families, is that of those children of divorce who were active in a church at the time of their parents’ divorce, only one-quarter recall being reached out to by a member of the clergy or congregation. When parents divorce, children too often are left alone to sort out enormous and confusing moral and spiritual questions that continue arising throughout their lives.

Teenoor die negatiewe effekte van egskeiding op kinders, het navorsing in verskillende dele van die wêreld bevind dat stabiele en emosioneel ondersteunende families die optimum raamwerk vir kinders se gesonde ontwikkeling bied en daartoe bydra dat:

ƒ kinders se skoolbywoning beter is; ƒ kinders beter op skool presteer;

ƒ kinders se selfbeeld beter is en dat hulle vlakke van selfvertroue en toekomsoriëntering hoër is; ƒ daar ’n afname in gedragsprobleme by kinders is, insluitende aggressiwiteit,

middelafhanklikheid en misdaad; ƒ vlakke van werksproduktiwiteit hoër is;

ƒ spanningsvlakke laer is en dat daar dus minder spanningsverwante siektes voorkom; en ƒ ’n beter vermoë om krisisse te hanteer by kinders geskep word.

(Amoateng et al 2004:8) Hierdie bevindinge word nie hier genoem om enkelouers te beskuldig of aan te kla nie. Baie van hulle doen hulle uiterste bes in die opvoeding van hulle kinders en slaag daarin om gelowige kinders met ’n wonderlike Christelike karakter groot te maak. Hierdie bevindinge word uitgelig slegs om ’n tendens in die samelewing te belig wat in sy geheel nie goed is vir kinders nie. Daar moet ook daarop gelet word dat alhoewel sommige egpare ter wille van die kinders nie wil skei nie, hulle in disharmonie en konflik saamleef. Hulle het dikwels nie die vermoë om hulle probleme te hanteer nie en is ook nie bereid om hulp te ontvang om dit op te los nie. Die gevolg is dat die kinders dikwels betrokke is in die veldslae van emosionele aanvalle en ontlading tussen vader en moeder. Sulke emosionele egskeidings het dikwels net sulke traumatiese gevolge vir die kinders as fisiese egskeiding. Die verhoudinge in so ’n familie is immers nie vir kinders ’n positiewe ervaring nie. Kinders se vermoë om betekenisvolle interpersoonlike verhoudinge met ander generasies te ontwikkel word in die proses ook benadeel.