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Spirituality, Education, Narraturgy:
From Wells o f Living, Writing, Reading
by
Daniel George Scott
B.A. Glendon College, York University, 1969
M.A. University of Victoria, 1993
A Dissertation Submitted in Partial Fulfillment of the
Requirements for the Degree of
DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY
in the Department of Communication and Social Foundations
We accept this dissertation as conforming
to the required standard
Dr. Antoinette Oberg, Supervisor (Communication & Social Foundations)
5, Departmental îv
Dr. Cynthia Chambers, Departmental Member (Adjunct Professor,
University of Lethbridge)
Dr. Honoré France, Outside Member (Psychological Foundations in
Education)
---Prof. J. P. Anglin, Outside Member (School of Qiild and Youth Care)
Dr. William Doll, External Examiner (Lomsiana State University)
© Daniel George Scott, 1998
University of Victoria
All rights reserved. This dissertation may not be reproduced in whole or
in part by photocopying or other means, without the permission of the
author.
Supervisor: Dr. Antoinette Oberg
ABSTRACT
Philosophical work is a critical piece of the re-thinking necessary
for opening spirituality to a consideration by educators pairticularly as it
pertains to education.
I approach spirituality in such a way that
neither encases it in firm structures nor expects it to offer clear
explanations. I am aware that such an engagement will seem difficult,
even obscure, but insist that such re-thinking is necessary if we are to
have a spirituality that is human (and humane), situated in life and
situated in the process of life-long learning that includes the dynamics of
learning-teaching as educational praxis.
This work of re-conceptualization is written in between spaces:
between spirituality and education, between theory and narrative.
It
includes a personal struggle of be/com /ing spiritual presented
biographically with tensions between thinking and practice, between
knowing and living.
There are a series of parallels, imaginaries of
understanding: making a text, making a life, spirituality, reading,
education, inquiry, flux.
The text also tells stories and uses stories to understand my
personal and a more general (re-)conceptual journey connecting
spirituality and education. This text offers narratives as vessels of spirit.
Spirit moves in living as it moves in narratives. I offer a way of reading
and understanding the work and working of narratives that I call
narraturgy. It is a way to notice the spiritual as it works in stories, as it
works on us and as we work on our living through stories.
Ill
I see spirituality as a potential opportunity for education as a way
of learning and teaching a radical hermeneutic sense of the possible, of
the mysterious and of the flux.
Exam iners:
Dr. Antoinette Oberg, Supervisor (Communication and Social
Foundations)
Dr. Cynthia Chambers, Departmental Member (Adjunct Professor,
University of Lethbridge)
Dr. Honoré France, Outside Member (Psychological Foundations in
Education)
Prof. J. P. Angiin, Outside Member (School of Child and Youth Care)
S p ir itu a lity , E d u ca tio n , N arratu rgy;
From W ells o f L iving, W riting, R eading
T a b le o f C o n te n ts A b s t r a c t ii T a b l e of C o n te n ts iv A c k n o w l e d g m e n t s a n d D e d i c a t i o n vi P r e fa c e : O p e n in g th e T e x t 1 S e c tio n I: In S e a r c h o f th e S p ir itu a l 1 7 F i r s t C h a p t e r P r e l u d e 18 C h a p t e r 1:
A T a le o f a T e x t— T h inking P a r a b o lic a lly 19
S ec o n d C h a p t e r P r e l u d e 54 C h a p t e r 2: S p ir i tu a li t y , S p i r i t u a l , S p ir it: W h a t Do 1 M e a n ? 56 T h i r d C h a p t e r P r e l u d e 1 0 2 C h a p t e r 3: A B io g ra p h y o f S p ir it: (R e ) T r a c in g My O w n A c c o u n ts 1 0 3 F o u r t h C h a p t e r P r e l u d e 1 4 5 C h a p t e r 4:
S p ir itu a lity E du ca tio n 1 4 6
On B e /c o m /in g S p ir itu a l 1 7 6 S e c t io n II : S p ir it u a lit y a n d N a r r a tiv e 2 1 0 S ix th C h a p t e r P r e l u d e 2 1 1 C h a p t e r 6: T h e W o r k o f S tories 2 1 2 S e v e n t h C h a p t e r P r e l u d e 2 4 6 C h a p t e r 7: S t o r y C h a r a c t e r i s t i c s 2 4 8 E i g h t C h a p t e r P r e l u d e 2 9 3 C h a p t e r 8: F u r t h e r W o r k i n g : T o w a r d O p e n in g 2 9 4 E p i l o g u e 3 2 9 B i b l i o g r a p h y 3 3 6
Acknowledgments
and
D edication
T h is p ro je c t has o c c u p ie d m e for m o s t o f th re e yea rs and th e re h a v e b e e n a s i g n i f i c a n t n u m b e r o f p e o p l e a l o n g the w a y w h o h a v e p la y e d a role in s h a p in g m e and the tex t d u rin g that time. B e c a u s e I have b e e n w riting ab o u t s p iritu a lity and b e c a u s e o f the p e r s o n a l n a tu re o f th e r e s e a r c h a n d th e j o u r n e y m an y o f the in f lu e n c e s I c a n o n ly c r e d i t th r o u g h a c k n o w l e d g m e n t .
I h a v e had, as m o st do cto ra l stu d en ts d o, a c o m p le x , in te n se , and u n e v e n e x p e r i e n c e d u r i n g m y t i m e o f r e s e a r c h a n d w r i t i n g . T h r o u g h o u t th e j o u r n e y I h a v e h a d s u p p o r t , e n c o u r a g e m e n t , a n d a p p r o p r i a t e p r o d d i n g f r o m m y s u p e r v i s o r A n t o i n e t t e O b e r g . J im A n g lin , w h o help ed me start on this j o u r n e y a lm o s t a d e c a d e ago has been a c o n s ta n t s o u rc e o f e n c o u r a g e m e n t a n d in s i g h t as w ell. I am gra te fu l f o r both o f these p e o p le and their w isd o m . I am also g ra te ful to th e o th e r m e m b e rs o f m y c o m m itte e , C y n t h ia C h a m b e rs and H o n o ré F ran c e, f o r reading, for feedback, fo r w illin g n e ss, and for g ood q u estio n s. T h e r e h a v e b een o th e r im p o r ta n t a c a d e m ic g u id e s and m e n to r s a lo n g the w a y . I am g ra te fu l fo r the c o n tin u e d s u p p o r t and c h a lle n g e s o f Ja c q u e s D a ig n a u lt, for the w o rk and s tu d y I w a s a b le to do w ith T e d A o k i, L a u rie B ax ter, and H a ro ld C o w ard , and fo r th e s u p p o rt o f M ary -W y n n e A s h f o r d in o r g a n i z i n g a s y m p o s i u m on s p i r i t u a l i t y a n d e d u c a tio n . I am also g ra te fu l fo r the in s i g h ts a n d g u i d a n c e o f Jan Z w ic k y and for h e r b e a u tifu l b o o k L y r i c P h i l o s o p h y w h ic h n o t only
i n s p i r e d m y t h i n k in g b u t p r o v i d e d a n i m a g i n a t i v e t e m p l a t e fo r d e s i g n i n g a tex t th at left s p a c e s and w a s r e s p e c t f u l o f m o r e than e f f i c i e n c y .
vil
T h e r e h a v e also b e e n o th e r students w h o often p r o v id e d critica l w o rd s and in s ig h ts in c ritica l m om ents. 1 am g ra te ful for C o re y Blades, A m a l E ly a s, P e g g y F a u ld s , Leah F ow ler, R en ee F o u n ta in , C o n n ie Frey, M a r ie H o sk in s, R o sie H y d e , C olleen Kasting, Pat O 'R iley, F at R asm ussen, D o lo re s S ta n le y . 1 am sure there are others but I can trace the presence o f e a c h o f t h e s e p e o p l e in the tex t and w a n t to a c k n o w le d g e how i m p o r ta n t c o l l e g i a l s u p p o r t is in m ak in g a d isse rta tio n .
In a d d i t i o n to the a c a d e m ic n etw o rk th a t has p ro v id e d s u p p o rt th e re are th o s e w ho 1 h a v e relied on as soun d in g boards and as friends. I th in k o f A la n C a p la n and S co tt S udbeck w h o s e p erso n al w isdom has b e e n s u s ta in in g in the s o m e tim e s lo n ely jo u r n e y o f w ritin g . A lth o u g h they do it d iffe re n tly they both seem to be able to cu t th ro u g h the fog a n d h e a d m e to g r o u n d . T h a n k s a lso to t h e i r p a r tn e r s , S h a ro n M a r m o r s te in a n d Ju d ith R eid. And also to B o b and N a ncy T u rn e r who h a v e b een s u p p o r tiv e and e n c o u ra g in g o f this p o s s ib ility f o r a n u m b er o f years. I th in k also o f Henri Lock, Ruth M a c in to sh and S hanti Persaud who 1 have w o rk e d w ith on a regular basis and w ho know m y m oods. 1 also think o f students w h o have been open and e a g e r in an e n g a g e m e n t w ith s p iritu a lity in s e v e ra l settings, teaching m e a great deal. I think of c o lle a g u e s fr o m my p re v io u s life w ho have c o n tin u e d as c o m p a n io n s in the way: B ill M o rriso n , L ee H a m burg, Kathy an d C h u c k H a m ilto n , John and D a n a M e llis , Phil and Kathy M clntyre-Paul. I am grateful for all of them. A n d f o r the m an y w hose names 1 do not mention.
I h a v e also h a d tr e m e n d o u s s u p p o r t a n d f l e x i b i l i ty fro m my fa m ily . C h r i s t i n e has e n d u r e d m any shifts in h er w o r ld as I have thrashe d a r o u n d in fin d in g m y s e lf and my tex t d u rin g this work. T he five: Ian, J o la n ta , D a rc y , Jenny, and A ndrew , h a v e b een su p p o rtiv e and
vin
hopeful fo r m e on m an y occasions. As they make th e ir o w n liv e s it has been p a r t o f my j o u r n e y to e n g a g e them in th e ir b e c o m i n g a d u l t to learn from their lessons o f life how to be a father.
I h a v e left u ntil the e n d a g ro u p o f p e o p le w ho I h a v e b e e n m eeting w ith tw ice a y e a r n o w fo r four years w ho are m e m b e r s o f the C a n a d i a n c o n t a c t g r o u p f o r a W o r ld C o u n c i l o f C h u r c h e s s u b c o m m itte e ca lle d U R M C a n a d a . W e m eet in a sto ry c ir c le a n d th e ir w a y o f t e l l in g o f t h e i r liv e s has h u g e ly i n f l u e n c e d m e a n d m y u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f n a r r a t i v e a n d its p o w e r to m a k e c o m m u n i t y , to b rid g e d i f f e r e n c e a n d to in s p ire life. T h e se p e o p le , w h o r e p r e s e n t a v a r ie ty o f g r a s s r o o ts c o m m u n i t y o r g a n iz a t i o n s a n d c u l t u r e s h a v e e m b r a c e d m e a n d t a u g h t m e m o re than I c a n p o s s i b l y d e s c r i b e . A lthough they are a t a d is ta n c e I carry them w ith m e in this w o rk and they are in the tex t, in its u n d e rs ta n d in g and in its c o n c e r n s . So, tra v e llin g e a s t to w e st, to C e c il, B ernard, K im B, A n d re a , A r c h ie , Al, Craig, Lloyd, Karen, Joanne, Jackie, Anne, Bibiana, B everly, G e rry , K im S, Alice, P a t, M innie, V alerie, M ike, M arion, Sadie, L o re lie th a n k you. To you a n d to th e w o r k o f U R M to b u ild a n d s u p p o r t c o m m u n i t y d e v e lo p m e n t th ro u g h sto ry tellin g I ded ica te this w ork. It is a d e e p ly spiritual lesso n you have ta u g h t me.
P r e f a c e
O pening the text
It is not the way that is difficult, it is the difficult that is the way. S0ren K ierk eg aa rd
Let your head fall into your heart, Dan. It is the only way to live. Gienn Sharpe
I o ff e r this guide to the text to open its w a y s and them es, to n o te strea m s in it, and some o f its difficulties and c h a lle n g es. I w rite o f s p ir itu a lity fro m the m id s t o f a p e r s o n a l, s o m e tim e s o v e r w h e lm in g , in c o m p le te j o u r n e y . To w rite o f s p iritu a lity in the m a n n e r I h a v e ch o se n is to o ffer my life (journey) as part of the study. M y self p r e s e rv in g in stin c ts, the in n e r voices I h a v e a c q u ire d in m y e d u c a tio n tell m e th a t I should try another way. B u t I am s tu b b o rn w he n se t to a c o u r s e an d h a v e p ersiste d in my a tte m p t to re -c o n c e p tu a liz e
sp iritu a lity , to w rite sited in e d u c a tio n , and to aim at an
u n d e r s ta n d in g o f the sp iritu a l that is en g a g e d , flu id , a n d s o u rc e d in p e rso n a l exp e rien ce . T h e difficulty I e n g a g e in is tw ofold: w riting a text that has s o m e integrity, th at does w h a t it is tr y in g to sp e a k of, and d o in g w h a t I am w ritin g o f— being an d b e c o m in g (b e /c o m /in g ) s p i r i t u a l — in th e j o u r n e y th r o u g h /o f w r itin g an d stu d y .
H e re are two stories: one to in tro d u ce th e site o f m y research, one to in tr o d u c e the tension o f my living.
W e w e re at an e n d - o f-y e a r picnic for m y son's n ew h ig h sc h o o l band p r o g r a m a t an o cean side park. I am not at ea se in su ch so cial o c c a s io n s but m anaged to find o n e other fa th e r, d a d to a boy m y so n is g e ttin g to k n o w , to talk to at m o re le n g th . I d i s c o v e r e d h e is a p a le o n to lo g ist. H e ta lk e d a b o u t th e h ik e s an d d ig s h e o r g a n iz e s in s e a rc h in g f o r f o s s ils on V a n c o u v e r I s la n d . It c a m e up th a t I w as w o r k i n g on m y P h .D . in s p i r i t u a l i t y a n d e d u c a t i o n a n d he i m m e d i a t e l y q u e r i e d : "So w h e re a r e y o u d o in g y o u r re searc h ? In V icto ria ?" I m u tte re d s o m e t h i n g a b o u t n a r r a t i v e w o rk , s to r ie s , b o o k s , a n d l ib r a r ie s . M y r e p ly w a s a w a y o ut o f a m o re c o m p le x c o n v e r s a tio n . I d o d g e d a ll o f the q u e stio n s I a n tic ip a te d a b o u t s ite , d a ta , and w h a t m i g h t c o u n t as e v id e n c e . I im a g in e d him i m a g in in g m e d i g g i n g s o m e w h e r e . I had no h e a rt f o r e x p l a n a t io n in th a t m om ent. I let it be. So did he, and w e m o v ed on.
L ate r, w h e n I told this story, I understood that h e w as c o n c e rn e d about the site o f research. As a paleontologist, w he re one finds fossils is critica l to u n d e r s ta n d in g th e ir im p o rtan ce . E v id e n c e is c o n n e c te d to site. I did not te ll him that one site o f my research is my o w n life. I did n o t say t h a t I am digg in g for the spiritual th ro u g h a c c o u n ts th a t unfold m y ow n sp iritu a l jo u rn e y , that I seek the traces o f liv in g fossils, as records, in me. I did not say that site was also critical for me. Or note th a t I w as lea rn in g from the experience w ith in the so ft tissue o f life
telling him ho w u n c e rta in m y digging left me. I lacked co n fid e n c e . "Are you bein g true to your calling?"
No. I have to a n sw e r no. I did not keep faith with— c o n - f i d e o ^ — me in that m o m e n t, o r my calling. I let it slide. A m om ent o f
possib ility passed. Am I n o t digging to uncover w h a t is buried in lives and in the p ra c tic e s o f living? Am I not concerned for site— fo r locating spirituality in e d u c atio n ? A m I not digging in my own life? W h a t are the traces o f sp iritu ality in m e? In my learning? M y teaching?
T h is m o m e n t is g e r m a n e to the d ile m m a o f my work.
I am a tte m p tin g to w rite about spirituality in a w ay th a t w ill re-c o n re-c e p tu a liz e it fo r e d u re-c a tio n . I have im agined this to be a w r itin g and thin k in g pro jec t. T h a t has not b een sufficient. I w rite a n d th in k tinged with th e ten d en c ies and ideology o f the c u ltu re o f m y o rig in s. I w rite and th in k in the strea m of W estern thought: w hite, ra tio n a l, w ith a re s p e c t fo r the d e m a n d s o f certainty and proof, cha rm ed by id eas o f clarity and tid in e ss fo u n d e d on what is solid, tested, and v e r if ia b le . T h e s e th in k in g p r a c tic e s are not m erely concepts in my m ind b u t fo rm a tio n s: e m b e d d e d s h a p e s for u n d e rsta nding. I am in c lin e d to th in k through and w ith those shapes and forms. Form s m ay s e r v e as e n c lo su re s o r o p en in g s: c h a in s or connections. P erh a p s I s h o u ld dig aro u n d these fo ssils, u n e a rth those form s: d istu rb them.
I have im a g in e d that I am called to w rite o f spirituality and to w rite and thin k o f it differently, to think of it outside of those W e ste rn fo rm ulations. To do so is to begin to step out o f formation, to head
1 All Latin derivations are from John C. Traupman (Ed.). 1966. The New Cnllepe Latin and English Dictionary. New York, Toronto: Bantam Books.
(in) a diffe ren t way. It is also the opening o f a jo u rn e y o f d iffic u lty for me: both a d ifficu lty in w riting and a difficulty in living.
A call to spirituality is a call to liberation. It is a call to a w a y of living: a p ra ctice th a t enacts a d if fe re n t fo rm a tio n o f th o u g h t and living. It is n ot merely a call to w rite and think differently b u t a c o m in g to know w h o I am b e/co m /in g and living o ut th at k n o w in g .
A S ufi s to r y o f study a n d d iv id e d a ttention.
O n c e there was a young man, n ot y e t e a g e r to learn, w h o o ften h e a rd his f a th e r p r a is e the te a c h e r w ho had t a u g h t h im w h e n he was y o u n g . T he father spoke highly o f the t e a c h e r ’s in sig h t, w is d o m , h u m i li t y , a n d te a c h in g sk ill. Y o u n g m e n d o n o t alw ays liste n but w h e n this young m an c a m e to th e m o m e n t in his life w h e n h e w a s re ad y to learn, h e re c a lle d h is f a th e r 's words and his praise o f that teacher. H e w e n t to his fa th e r and told him h e had d e c id e d it w as tim e to s tu d y and t h a t h e had c h o s e n as te a c h e r th e s a m e m a s te r w h o h ad i n s t r u c t e d h im . T h e f a t h e r w a s d e l i g h t e d a n d a s s i s t e d th e y o u n g m a n to prepare for his long jo u rn e y to the villa g e o f th e teacher.
It w as a le n g th y j o u r n e y ac ro ss th e d e s e r t and t o o k s e v e r a l se a s o n s b e f o re the y o u n g m a n c a m e to the v illa g e g a te s and asked the g a te k e e p e r to d ire c t him to th e h o m e o f th e te a c h e r. "He lives there in the palace on the hill."
A d o ubt entered the yo u n g man's mind. H e w e n t to th e d o o r o f th e p a la c e and a sk e d aga in fo r his f a th e r's te a c h e r. H e was w elcom ed and led to the m aster o f the house. He w a s s u rp rise d at the richness of the palace. How c o u ld this m a n be th e one
w h o h a d ta u g h t his fa th e r? C o u ld this w e a lth y m an a lso b e a w i s e a n d h u m b le te a c h e r? B u s y w ith t h e s e th o u g h ts , he w a s p re se n te d to the m aster. He e x p lain e d w ho h e was. H e spoke o f his fa th e r a n d o ffered his g re etings. He sa id th at he had c o m e to s tu d y w ith him , as his father b efo re him had done.
T h e te a c h e r liste n ed to the y o u n g m an's sto ry and re c e iv e d his g re etin g s. B ut he also knew his troubled m ind.
" T h o u g h y o u h ave m a d e a long jo u r n e y to b e c o m e m y stu d en t, th e re is o n e test th at you m u st p a ss b e f o re you ca n s tu d y w ith me. T o n ig h t, in the village, is a g reat festival. T h e fe ast w ill la st all night. Y ou are to go to the festival and jo in in. B ut you m u s t c a rry on y o u r h ea d a full bow l o f w ater. I am s en d in g one o f m y s e r v a n ts w ith you to in su re that you do n ot sp ill a drop. I f y o u do, you c a n n o t be my student."
T h e y o u n g m an had no ch oice. H e a c c e p te d the c h a lle n g e and w e n t d o w n the hill to the fe s tiv a l and s p e n t the n i g h t at the f e a s t w ith a la rg e bow l o f w a te r on his h ea d . W h e n m o rn in g c a m e , h e a n d the te a c h e r's s e r v a n t r e tu r n e d to th e p a la c e . T h e y w e re re ceiv ed by the m aster. T h e y o u n g man re tu rn e d the b o w l, still full o f w ater. T h e s e r v a n t te stifie d th a t n o t a dro p h a d b e e n s p ille d .
"Did y o u e n jo y the festival?" a sk e d the teacher.
"I d i d ," r e p l i e d th e y o u n g m a n . " A l th o u g h I c o u l d n o t c o m p le te ly en te r in. I was d istracted. I d a n c e d a fe w steps but r e a c h e d f o r the bow l. I ate b u t alw a y s I was th in k in g o f the w ater. It w a s a gre at feast b ut I n ev e r really took part. I k e p t w o rr y in g a b o u t the bowl o f w ater."
"Y es." replied the teacher. "This is also the c a s e w ith m y life. I h a v e m an y things around me but a lw a y s I am d is tra c te d by m y bow l o f w ater. I ca n n ev e r forget who I am, w ho I serve. T h e s p iritu a l w o rk o f my life is always calling m y attention, e v e n in th e m id s t o f c e le b ra tio n and luxury."
T h e y o u n g m a n b e c a m e his s tu d e n t and r e m a in e d w i t h him m a n y years befo re returning to his own village.
T h e r e are m an y riches in study that I find alluring b ut I am d istracte d by the d ifficu lty o f m y bowl o f water. I h a v e d a n c e d , w o rried a b o u t the s te p s, and fe asted , w ondering ab o u t sp irit and w h e th e r I am e n g a g e d or w h e th e r only m y m ind is in play. I keep re ach in g f o r the bowl. H a v e I lost it? Is it em pty? I w onder if I have not spilled m any drops in m y jo u r n e y o f study and writing. I w on d e r if, in m y life, m y h e a rt has b een open to ground m y ideas in the p ra c tic e o f m y liv in g . H a v e m y so arin g thoughts fallen into the e m b ra c e o f living? H a v e I been ca rried away by the riches o f libraries and books? Has the festival o f stu d y sed u c ed m e to forget too often the bow l and its v u ln e ra b le liquid tr e a s u re ? A m I living w ith enough distracted atte n tio n ? H as m y c a llin g g r ip p e d m e?
M y s tu d y initially focused on w riting and thinking in te rm s o f u n d e r s ta n d in g my task. I began to work at m y in q u iry in s p ir itu a lity and e d u c a tio n th ro u g h a p ra ctice o f resistance in two ways: th r o u g h w ritin g an d th ro u g h study. In w riting I p lay (e d ) w ith form and q u e stio n s o f form , trying to break out of structures and e n c lo s u r e s th rough creativity. T h a t en g a g e m e n t goes on in this text. It is a
w ritin g p ractice that is fo u n d e d on a b e lie f th at fo rm can be o p e n in g w h e n it is re sp o n siv e to the co n te n t and the q u e stio n being pursue d.
T h e re is a d a n g e r o f self-dece ption in su ch w ork. T he p o ssibilities o f w riting new form s are endless. T h e probability o f them being
co m p re h e n s ib le is m o re p ro b le m a tic . I am not see k in g n o v e lty to be novel b ut to find a w a y to express som ething th a t seem s in a c c e ssib le to an u n d e rsta n d in g fram ed by certain ty and to do so in a w a y th a t w o u ld o p en it to e n g a g e m e n t, to an e x c h a n g e th ro u g h u n c e rta in ty .
T h e thrill o f the p u rs u it— the hunter's c h a s e — may not be d isco v ery . It may be o n ly huntin g and chasing. M ichel S erres (1 9 8 2 ) claim s that since the tim e o f P lato "know ledge is a hunt" (p. 28) and the c o n se q u e n c e o f such k n o w in g is "to put to death. . . .To k n o w is to kill" (p. 28). P erhaps m y h u n tin g through w ritin g will turn into
m u rd er. It m ay be th a t k n o w in g can only c o n c lu d e with c a p tu r e and death. I hope otherw ise. I hope it's end is freedom . Perhaps I n e e d to pay a ttention, to w h o se d e a th is required, to w h a t k in d o f d y in g m ay be in v o lv e d .
A n o th er difficu lty lies in study. In study I s o u g h t w ritin g and ideas th at w ere m arg in a l, c o m p le x , even outrageous. I s tru g g le d to co m e to grips w ith id eas and concepts that m ig h t break the fram es, m ig h t b re ak open new possib ilities. T hey m ig h t also break m e open. In the stru g g le to m eet and ov erco m e these d ifficulties I c a m e to u n d e r s t a n d a n o t h e r d a n g e r .
G an d h i has a rgued that if one m u st b ec o m e a so ld ier to f ig h t and o v e rc o m e violence by using violence one has lost the war. T h e only w ay to overcom e violence, in the long term, is to resist passively. I have b ec o m e a student, p erh ap s even a scholar, in an a tte m p t to re sist
a ra tio n a l e n g a g e m e n t o f s p iritu a lity . P erhaps I have only a f firm e d r a tio n a lity in su ch a m ove, by b ecom ing more rational. Can I learn a w a y o f s tu d y and th in k in g th at is n o t formed by the tradition in w h ich I am e m b e d d e d ? I long to think and w ork differently at the q u e s tio n of s p iritu a lity . I s e e k w ays o f u n d e rs ta n d in g that are thoughtful, y et tra n s g r e s s the b o rd e rs that c o n f in e thinking to ratio-logical
e x p la n a tio n . I h a v e stu d ied to do so. H ave I learned to resist non- v io le n tly in the fa ce o f fo rm u la tio n s th at are pow erful and
o v e r w h e lm in g ? I h o p e my passivity is a form of resistance a n d n ot a c q u i e s c e n c e .
G a n d h i (Jack, 1994, p. 310) argues that violen t re s ista n c e is h ighly v isib le but o f short duration. Its effects do not last. N o n v io le n c e , he c la im s , is m ostly invisible and o f m uch longer d u ra tio n . Its p ro c e s s is s lo w e r but m ore pow erful because it does not b e c o m e w h a t it resists. It re m a ins different. H ave I discovered in study a w a y o f re sista n c e th at will last? H a v e I found a way to em body n o n -v io le n t study o r m e re ly th in k ab o u t it, speak ab o u t it? "N on-violence," says G a n d h i, " c a n n o t b e p re ach e d . It m u st b e practiced" (p. 311).
I w rite as an act o f resistance. As I write the question rem ains: am I b e c o m in g w h a t 1 am resisting in o rd e r to resist? I live in this difficu lty : see k in g a way th at is n ot b e/com /ing th e sam e k in d o f s o l d i e r / s t u d e n t / w r i t e r /t h i n k e r that I q u e s tio n and d o u b tin g m y s e lf: being u n c e rta in and cau tio u s in the process. 1 have set out on a
jo u rn e y , a tte m p tin g to leave a certain kin d o f thinking. I c a rry so m e of its f o r m s steep e d into my bones, into the very fram es that hold the
lenses o f my eyes, m y ideas. H ow am I to shed these frames? By letting them go? B y lea v in g them behind? Y et 1 m eet them along th e way.
T h e y arise in m e , in the language. T hey remain in the struggle o f m ak in g this te x t a n d in the text itself.
B u t m y in q u iry is not only about writing and thinking. It is ab o u t th e j o u r n e y itself; how I jo u rn ey , h o w I p ra ctice my life, my s p iritu a lity . T h e s p iritu a l w ork, the spiritual p r a c tic e o f s h e d d in g th o se fram es is o n -g o in g . I am in a lim inal transitional space. I c a n n o t claim to h a v e a r riv e d at a new land, a p lace o f liberation. I resist and struggle, eve n now , close to the end o f w riting the text. I w o n d e r i f my jo u r n e y is only to be in this in-betw een space: to d w e ll there and n ot arrive, n o t c ro ss th e sec ond threshold to a new f o u n d in g . T h e m id d le sp a c e is u n c e rta in , am b ig u o u s. I am still in it.
F o r m e, th e in-b etw e en space is n ot solid g round. It is fluid and transient. T o live, think and w rite in and from that s p ac e is to do th o se th in g s fro m instability. I ca n n o t build on solid ground as I do no t e x p e r ie n c e th e g round I am on as solid. T h e te m p ta tio n is to build o v e r th e g r o u n d th a t m oves, that flows, to m ake it d is a p p e a r, b e c o m e fo rg o tte n . B u t w riting, thinking, and living from the m o v in g g ro u n d is insecure. It is also difficult and dem anding. I find it hard to sta y there. I find it difficu lt not to reach for w hat a p p e ars fixed and solid in the h o p e o f c lin g in g to it. I have discovered th a t th e spiritual is m o re possible, m o r e likely, clo ser in the m o veable than it has e v e r been for m e in the stable. W h e n I w o rk and live in that space, I be/com e
r e s p o n s iv e , a tte n tiv e , en e rg iz e d . But to translate th a t re s p o n siv e n e s s to w ritin g , to s tu d y has p rove d m ore d iffic u lt than I im a g in e d .
In the fa ce o f q u e stio n s about clarity and d e fin itio n , a b o u t site and d a ta — q u e s tio n s o f s o lid ity — I have been p assiv e. T h e le a r n e d cu ltu ra l v o ic e s a r isin g in m e m eet the strong voices from o u ts id e and
b e c o m e stro n g e r , leaving m e surprised, helpless. C a n I re sp o n d to such fe elings? C an I w rite and think in the face o f th o se intern a lize d voices? C an I h e freed from their q u e st for solidity, a p p ro v al, a n d ce rtain ty ? I w o n d e r w h a t s tu d y and w ritin g as passive, n o n - v io le n t re sista n c e m ig h t he? T h e s e q u e stio n s remain in process in my w ork.
O n e stream o f my text is a record o f this a w k w a r d and in c o m p le te jo u rn e y . A n o th er is m y a tte m p t to a d d r e s s these d iffic u ltie s hy w ritin g im ag in ativ ely , hy offering th in k in g a b o u t s p iritu a lity that is th e beg in n in g o f r e -c o n c e p tu a liz a tio n . I see k thin k in g th a t rings true, that resonates (Z w icky, 1992). I seek a c r e a tiv ity th a t w ill lib e ra te stu d y and e d u c a tio n th r o u g h
u n d e r s ta n d in g the spiritual as alre ad y at p lay h u t n ot e n c lo s e d , as s o m e th in g o n - g o in g and e lu s iv e ; fluid.
A n o th e r s tre a m is m y exploration and use o f an a p p ro ach to narra tiv e th a t I call narraturgy (see Section II). N a rra tu rg y b e c o m e s a w ay o f c o n s id e r in g the sp iritu al, a way o f u n d e r s ta n d in g sto rie s as vessels o f spirit, a m eans o f exam ining how stories w o rk on us, through us and h o w we w ork on stories. I have begun th a t p ractice in this preface. T h e two stories h ave been working on m e , teaching m e ho w to live, te a c h in g m e th at 1 h a v e further to go in b e /c o m /in g atte n tiv e , in k n o w in g ho w to spea k (and write) o f m y inquiry, its site, its m obility, its u n c e r t a i n t y .
T h e tex t th at follow s includes theore tic al e x p lo r a tio n s o f sp iritu a lity and p o ssib le m ean in g s (see C h a p te r 2). It includes ac co u n ts o f m y own spiritual struggle fram ed as a b io g rap h y o f spirit (see C h a p te r 3). T here are attempts to form th eo ry , to offer w ays to thin k th a t m ay lead to o th e r openings, so m e tim e s in d ire c tly e x p r e s s e d
in stories and s o m e tim e s e x p r e s s e d in a rg u m e n t form. B oth b e a r traces o f m y lineage. B oth bear traces o f my calling. T h e y are m ix e d together in the pre sen t: w h e a t an d tares.
I had h oped th at by n o w that I w ould have a text that w as clear. Instead, I have a re cord o f the struggle toward clarity. I have traces o f insight, m o m e n ts o f k n o w in g . I have con fu sio n and d iffic u lty m ix e d in. T h e se are the m a rk s o f m y in -b etw e en sp ac e and in - b e tw e e n jo u r n e y . T hey are also the spiritu al understanding I can offer. It will, I hope, c o n trib u te to i n c lu d in g s p iritu a lity in the d is c o u rs e s o f e d u c a tio n .
T h e text in c lu d e s sto rie s and poem s, my ow n and o th e r ’s to bring the text to the g ro u n d o f a life and life experience. T h e text includes in te rru p tio n s in its flo w to ex p a n d or n ote a p a r tic u la r q u e s tio n o r difficulty. T h e y o c c u r in v ario u s forms, including asid es w h ic h a r e also used to clarify w o rd s an d con c ep ts. T h e re are fra g m e n ts and traces th at arise from jo u rn a ls k e p t befo re and during the p ro c ess o f the m aking o f this text and the stu d y su rrounding it. T h e r e are
u n a n s w e re d q u e s tio n s th a t are o penings to w h a t r e m a in in c o m p l e t e in this study. I re p e a t passages and treat ea ch repetition as a w a y o f opening o r u n fo ld in g a th o u g h t or c onc ept in a n o th e r w ay. T h is is an atte m p t at c la r if ic a tio n in a n o n -lin e a r fashion.
I u n d e rsta n d m y o w n text as assemblage. It is c o m p o s e d o f pieces th at I have d ra w n together. I assemble fra g m e n ts b e c a u s e I am in the w orld and the w orld, as I ex p e rien ce it d ay -to -d a y , is frag m en ted . P erha ps m y in te re st in s p iritu a lity , and the sw elling o f that i n te r e s t in c o n te m p o r a ry c u ltu re , is a sea rch for links and c o n n e c tio n s , an a tte m p t to m ove aw ay from frag m en tatio n . To o ffer an a s s e m b la g e is to su g g est th at so m e h o w , e v e n in b ro k e n n e s s and d isa sse m b ly th e re is g ath e rin g .
S o m e h o w it is p o ssib le to com e to g e th e r, broken, fragile, m arred and m a k e life together. I h o p e this text is an act o f m aking life for the reader. It has been an a c t o f life-m aking and re -m aking in the w ritin g .
O n e o f the p ro b lem a tics at w o rk in m y writing, and in c o m in g to u n d e r s ta n d the s p iritu a l, is d is c o v e r in g and a c k n o w le d g in g the p la c e o f w h a t is n o t visible, perhaps even n o t accessible. T o ask for a re
c o n c e p tu a liz a tio n is to a s k for an u n d ersta n d in g that b e g in s to n o tic e an d to learn from w h a t is usually disco u n ted , ignored, e x c lu d e d o r o ccluded. T his too is a task o f so m e danger.
I w a n t to in tro d u c e a third story, an a n c ie n t sto ry th a t tro u b le s m e. It serves as p a ra b le for me, raising questions ab o u t m ak in g th in g s v isible . It m a k e s m e w o n d e r ab o u t learning and the c o n s e q u e n c e o f d is c o v e r y . It m a k e s m e w o n d e r a b o u t the c o m m u n ity o f e d u c a tio n an d how it is sustained. I cite a version told by M ichel de C ertea u (1992) in T he m y s tic f a b l e and include a few o f his c o m m e n ts a b o u t it. M o r e o f m y re sp o n se s to the story and questions that lin g er from it will c o m e later in the text.
T he e x c l u d e d o ne m a k e s p o s s ib le an en tire circulation.
In this m o n a ste ry there was a virgin w ho pretended to be mad, p o sse sse d by a d e m o n . T h e o thers bec am e so d isg u ste d w ith h er t h a t no o n e a te w ith her, w h ic h she p r e f e r r e d . W a n d e r i n g th ro u g h the k itc h e n sh e w o u ld re n d er a n y servic e. S h e w as, as th e y s a y , the s p o n g e o f the m o n a s te ry . In r e a lity , s h e w as a c c o m p l is h i n g w h a t is w ritte n : "If so m e o n e in te n d s to be w ise am ong us in this life, let him b e c o m e a fool to b ecom e wise." She h ad tied a rag a r o u n d her h e a d — all the o thers are s h a v e n and w e a r h o o d s — a n d it is in t h a t a ttir e th a t sh e p e r f o r m e d h e r duties. O f the fo u r hundred (sisters), n ot one ev e r saw her c h e w
anyth in g d u rin g the years o f her life; sh e n e v e r sat at ta b le ; she n ev e r b ro k e b re ad w ith others. S h e w as h a p p y w ith the c r u m b s she w iped up and the w ater from the pots a n d pans she s c o u r e d , w ith o u t o f f e n d i n g a n y o n e , w ith o u t m u r m u r i n g , w ith o u t s p e a k in g little or m uch, though she was b e a te n w ith b lo w s , in su lte d , lad en w ith cu rse s, a n d treated with d isgust.
B e h o ld a n angel ap peared to th e s a in tly man P ite r o u m , an a n c h o r e t w h o h a d p r o v e n h i m s e l f and r e s i d e d a t ( M o u n t ) P o rp h y ite . T h e angel sa id to him: "W hy d o you h a v e a g o o d opinion o f y o u rse lf? B ecause o f y o u r r e lig io u s life and the p la c e where you live? Do you w ant to see a w o m a n m ore religious than y o u rs e lf ? G o to the m o n a s te ry o f the T a b e n n e o i t w o m e n and there you w ill find one w ith a s c a r f w r a p p e d aro u n d h e r h ead. She is b e tte r than you. C o n te n d in g w ith th a t c ro w d , s h e has ne v e r turned h e r h e a rt from G o d , w h e re a s y o u , who stay he re , in th o u g h t y o u w a n d e r in through the cities."
He who h a d never gone out set forth. H e a sk e d the superiors to let him into th e m o n a ste ry o f w o m en . S in c e he was f a m o u s and already old, th e y did not hesitate to let him en ter. O n c e he had entered, he a s k e d to see them all. B u t she d i d not sh o w h erself. A t last he said to them: "Bring m e all o f th e m . O ne is m issin g ." T h ey told him: "W e have an idiot [ s a le ] w ith in , in the k itc h e n ."
It is thus th at one referred to the sick. H e told them: " H a v e h er c o m e also th a t I m ay s e e her." T h e y w e n t to call her. S h e re fu s e d , p e r h a p s b e c a u s e she r e a l i z e d w h a t w a s h a p p e n in g , or even b ec au se s h e had had a re v elatio n o f it. T h ey d r a g g e d h er aw ay by fo rc e and told her: "The s a in tly m a n P ite ro u m w a n ts to see you." H e was greatly renowned.
W hen she was there, he saw the rag on h e r head and fa llin g at her feet, said to her: "Bless me M o th e r [ A m / n a ] . " L ik e h im she also fell at his feet saying: "You bless me. L o r d [K u r ie ] .'' At this point, all the w o m en w e re e n r a p tu re d . T h e y said to th e s a in tly m an: F a th e r [ A b b a ] do not take this to b e an insult: s h e is an idiot [sa lé ].'' P iteroum said to them all: " Y o u are the on es w ho are id io ts [ s a l a i ] , for she is the o ne fo r m e and fo r y o u our
m o th e r [ A m m a s ]"— th a t is how the spiritual g u id e s were referred to— "and I pray that I m ay be found w orthy o f her on th at d a y of j u d g m e n t." A t t h e s e w o rd s they fell at the fe e t o f the m o n k , c o n f e s s i n g all m a n n e r o f th in g s ; o n e h ad s p r i n k l e d h e r w ith d i s h w a t e r , a n o t h e r h ad p u m m e le d h e r, a n o t h e r h a d m a d e her n o se sw e ll up. . . . In a w o rd , they all had m a n y a b u s e s to confess. H a v in g p ra y ed fo r them, he went away.
A fe w d a y s la te r, u n a b le to b e a r h er s i s te r s ' e s te e m and a d m ir a tio n , o v e r w h e l m e d by th e ir d e m a n d s fo r p a r d o n , s h e left the c o n v e n t. W h e r e sh e w ent, w here she hid h e r s e lf, h o w she en d e d her day s, no o ne has found out. (de C e rte a u , 1992, p. 32- 3 3 )
D e C ertea u e x p lo re s this story at c o nsiderable length in his text, struggling w ith its im p lica tio n s. Its mystery catches m e up as well. I w o n d e r w h a t it m ig h t b e saying to me. I w onde r a b o u t m aking visible, a b o u t se a rc h in g fo r m o r e un d ersta n d in g . I w o n d e r a b o u t le a r n in g how little I know . De C ertea u (1992) wonders too:
. . . the id io t is totally w ithin the u n s y m b o liz a b le thin g th at re sists m e a n in g . S he takes up herself the body's m ost h u m b le fun c tio n s; sh e lo ses h erself in the unassertable, below the level o f all language. B u t this ‘d isg u stin g ’ castaw ay m a k e s p o ssib le for the o th e r w o m e n the sh arin g of m eals, the c o m m u n ity o f vestiary a nd c o r p o re a l sig n s in d ic a tin g that they h ave b een c h o s e n , the c o m m u n ic a tio n o f w o rd s. T h e ex cluded one re n d ers p o s s ib le the e n tir e c ir c u la tio n , (p. 34)
I, like P ite ro u m , am setting out on a Journey o f discovery. I, like P iteroum , feel ca lle d to that jo u rn e y . W ha t ex cluded o n e will I
c irc u la tio n o f this w ork? O f education? W h a t sustains m y living a n d the c o m m u n itie s in w hich I live? W ha t am I to do w ith: "The e x c lu d e d o n e m a k e s p o ssib le the e n tire c irc ulation? "
I liv e w ith a deep sense o f incom pleteness and in adequa cy. I live w ith a fe a r that my a tte m p t to w rite o f s p iritu a lity and e d u c a tio n w ill n o t d o w h a t it hopes to do: to open a w ay o f c o n s id e r in g s p iritu a lity that w ill allow an o p en-ended and on-going e n g a g e m e n t o f it in s ite s o f e d u c a tio n . I im a g in e the spiritual jo u rn e y as in c o m p le te — I do so b e c a u se o f the fragile state o f m y own jo u rn e y . I im ag in e the sp iritu a l jo u r n e y as frequently uncharted. T h a t seem s to be how I am g o ing, n e v e r su re w here or w h a t is next. I imagine the process to be d iffic u lt and aw kw ard. I can only write that that is how I feel, th at is ho w it is and has been for me. Yet, I am grateful for that as it is beginning to teach m e how to listen and pay attention. It is teac h in g m e to d o u b t and pull back from certainty. T h ese are things th at I th in k I n e e d to learn to b e/c o m e spiritual in m y life journey. I am le a r n in g to te a c h o th e rs th a t u n c e rta in ty is a p o ssib le jo u rn e y .
n o t h aving it all to g e th e r
A n d in th e m id d le o f w ritin g this p a g e , a s tu d e n t, p h o n in g to ask for an essay extension, said thanks for s u g g e s tin g th at b e in g in - p r o c e s s and in c o m p le te was a c c e p ta b le . S he told m e ho w s k e p tic a l she h ad been re g iste r in g in a c o u r s e on s p i r i t u a l it y ( S p i r i t u a l it y in the C a r e o f C h i ld r e n and Y o u t h ) b u t h o w , th ro u g h the p ro c ess o f the course, it had e n g a g e d her; h o w it had liberated her to not feel she had to have it all to g eth er. It w a s on e o f only two co u rse s in her u n iv e r s ity s tu d y t h a t had
e n g a g e d h e r w h o le life. S he was re lie v e d that she did n o t have to g e t s o m e w h e r e e ls e to be spiritual, to be o th er than w h o she w as. N ow she c o u ld go on w ith o u t h a v in g to h a v e it tog eth er. S h e w as on h e r w a y and sh e could liv e there, no t ju d g in g it to be w ro n g b e c a u s e it was b ro k e n and d iffic u lt. H e r p h o n e call e n c o u r a g e d m e.
I k n o w th a t in the c o n te x t o f teaching, in the re sp o n siv e i n te ra c tio n o f p ersonal e n c o u n te r, I c a n live in a w a y that opens
s p ir itu a lity to e n g a g e m e n t, to u n d e r s ta n d in g a n d hope. I c a n r e s p o n d ( r e s p o n d e r e : p ro m ise b a c k , return the vow). I t is po ssib le in those h u m a n m o m e n ts to b e a ttu n e d to r e a d in e ss a n d re a c h in g . T h e c h a lle n g e o f this text is to open a textual s p a c e o f stu d y and re searc h th a t is also re sp o n siv e . T o m ak e living space— in w riting, in study, in in q u i r y , in e d u c a t i o n — f o r s p ir itu a lity .
S e c tio n I
In S e a r c h o f th e S p ir itu a l
P h i l o s o p h y w a s a m e t h o d o f s p i r i t u a l p r o g r e s s w h i c h d e m a n d e d a r a d ic a l c o n v e r s i o n a n d t r a n s f o r m a t i o n o f th e in d iv id u a l's w a y o f being. T hus, philo so p h y w as a w a y o f life, bo th in its e x e r c is e and e ffo rt to a c h ie v e w isd o m , and in its goal, w is d o m itself. For real w isdom does not m e re ly ca u se us to k n o w : it m a k e s us "be" in a d i f f e r e n t w a y . B o th th e g r a n d e u r a n d the p a r a d o x o f a n c ie n t p h i l o s o p h y are th a t it w a s, a t o n e and th e sa m e tim e, c o n s c io u s o f th e f a c t th a t w is d o m is i n a c c e s s ib le , and c o n v in c e d o f p u r s u i n g s p i r i t u a l progress. . . . T he ancients k new that they w ould n e v e r be ab le to r e a l i z e w is d o m w ith in th e m s e lv e s as a s ta b le , d e f i n i t i v e s t a t e , b u t a t l e a s t they h o p e d to a c c e d e to it in c e r t a i n p r i v i l e g e d m o m e n ts , and w is d o m w a s th e tr a n s c e n d e n t n o rm w h ic h g u i d e d their action.
F ir s t C h a p te r P r e lu d e
E v e ry j o u r n e y b e g in s w ith a s in g le step: b e in g u n d e r w a y o fte n in clu d es s tu m b lin g . I k e e p beginning: a series o f s tu tte r steps, h esitan t, reaching. I am trying to find the best step forward: rig h t o r left? W hich w ay to go, to m ove? I am trying to find a textual re sid e n ce, a dw elling place for sp iritu ality . I e m b ra c e narrative as host. N a rra tiv e b e c o m e s a w ay to tell m y jo u r n e y and a way to carry spirit. N a rra tiv e b e c o m e s an o p e n in g t h a t s ta y s o p e n fo r stu m b lin g , for r e a c h i n g , for m o v e m e n t f o r w a r d .
In b eg in n in g to tell th e story o f my text I b e c o m e a w a re o f duration: o f ho w lo n g a j o u r n e y this is, o f its i n d e te r m in a te b e g i n n i n g , o f the p lia b ility o f tim e. I b e c o m e aw are o f d e lic a te q u e s tio n s o f sp a c e : o f i n n e r sp a c e , o f n a r r a tiv e s m ak in g space, and o f n a r r a tiv e s b e in g h eld w ithin: in m e m o rie s, in m inds, in people. I b e c o m e a w a r e o f p a rab le— s t o r i e s a n d t h e i r c o n n e c t i o n s — and m an y p o s s i b l e p a r a l l e l f lo w s : e d u c a tio n , w ritin g , in q u iry , re ad in g , living.
I f narrative is h o st an d the story is o f my j o u r n e y an d i f the tex t is m y w ritin g , w h a t m e s s a g e is bein g voiced ? W h a t/ w h o s e v o i c e s are a ris in g in th e s to ry th at will m ake the sp iritu a l k n o w n ? W h a t/ w h o s e d em an d s m ay lim it the k n o w in g ? W hat illusions m ay le a d m e astray?
In beg in n in g by telling the tale of the text, the tre m b lin g o f m y own jo u r n e y , th e q u e s tio n s a n d d istu rb an ce s o f my c o u r s e b e g in to su rfa c e , b e g in to be k n o w n . T h e w ritten jo u rn e y begins and th e liv e d j o u r n e y be c o m e s re s o u r c e , c o m e s into play.
Chapter 1
A Tale of a Text—Thinking Parabolicaliy
All o f us make up our lives out of the cracks in the w alls o f our past m em ories and the unicorn footprints o f our fu tu res. The making o f a life is sim ilar to the making of a text. We live by reading our own stories. We read by recall and im agination. A sacred text is made by making up what is felt to be already there, like a life. A sacred text is an impression in stone or im agination filling up the maker o f the space.
Lynda Sexson, Ordinarily S a cre d
B e g i n n i n g : in th e m id s t of.
B e g i n n i n g (ag a in )
W e w e re w a lk in g on th e stre e ts o f T o ro n to . It w a s a w arm su m m e r ev e n in g . I w as cry in g . "I'm tired o f s ta rtin g o v er. It fe els lik e, no m atter w h a t I do, it gets w ip ed o u t a n d I am le ft w ith n o th in g and h av e to begin ag a in . I w a n t to be a b le to bu ild so m eth in g . T o h av e it left. I c a n 't k ee p s ta rtin g ag ain ." I d o n 't re m e m b e r h im s a y in g m u ch in r e tu r n , j u s t w a lk in g , k e e p in g m e co m p an y , h e lp in g me th in k it m ig h t be p o s s ib le . I d o n 't k n o w th at it h a s n 't alw ay s been true: th at I am alw a y s, in so m e w ay, sta rtin g over. T h a t b u ild in g is a lw a y s b e g in n in g (a g a in ). T h a t liv in g is not a b o u t m o n u m e n ts le ft b e h in d b u t ab o u t w h a t is here, now : the p re sen t a c tio n , the c u rre n t p a ssa g e.
G iv in g birth to a tex t is a d e lib e ra te labor: a lo n g and d e lic a te p ro cess. H e re, n ea r the end o f the process o f m ak in g this tex t, I am
w ritin g a b e g in n in g , a w a re o f the ten sio n s and d iffic u ltie s th a t e x is t in a w ritin g jo u rn e y . T o tell the tale o f a te x t is to ad o p t n a rra tiv e as the h o st (L a tin , h o s p -e s -itis (m) h o st, e n te rta in e r). N a rra tiv e p ro v id e s a h o s p ita b le s p a c e to e x p lo re s p iritu a lity , to c o n s id e r e d u c a tio n , to e n te rta in th o u g h ts and id e a s th at lin k the tw o. S paces in s id e sto rie s. S to rie s as v e s s e ls ; c o n ta in e rs to h o ld , c o n ta in e rs to p o u r o u t from . S tories as v e sse ls: sh ip s fo r Jou rn ey s acro ss the w a te rs, on the w a te rs, in the w aters. S to rie s as v essels: vas, blo o d v e sse ls that ca rry life b lo o d , the v ital fo rce o f liv e s, o f people.
B u t as h o st (L atin , h o s p -e s -itis (m ) g u est, v isito r, frie n d , stra n g e r, fo re ig n e r) n a r r a tiv e m ay c o m e from bey o n d m e b rin g in g re la tio n s and d iffe re n c e in to m y life , in to m y m id st. N a rra tiv e re q u ires w e lc o m e , em b ra ce; n a r ra tiv e is te m p o ra ry , b rin g s th e d iffe re n c e o f o ( 0 ) th e r in to m y life.
N a rra tiv e , as h o st (L a tin , m u ltitu d - o -in is (f) im m e n se n u m b e r) fo r th is in q u iry , p ro v id e s th e o p p o rtu n ity fo r d iv e rs ity , fo r m u ltip lic ity and g e n e ra tiv ity . N a rra tiv e ad m its a d iffu sio n o f p o ssib ility :
in te rp re ta tio n s , r e -te llin g , re -w o rk in g . N a rra tiv e m u ltip lie s th e p o s s i b i l i t i e s .
N a rra tiv e , as h o st (L a tin , h o s ti-a -ae (f) w afer) for this in q u iry , serves as a so u rc e o f n o u rish m en t. It inv o k es m y stery an d lin k s m e to s p iritu a l tr a d itio n s , to im a g in a tio n . N a rra tiv e is p a la ta b le , s u b s ta n tia l. It can be c h e w e d on, d ig e ste d , p o n d e re d , re fle c te d .
T he sh a p e o f a vessel is a c ritic a l co n sid e ra tio n in its use. In tellin g this ta le , I am p re sen tin g the n atu re o f th is v esse l (th is te x t), in o rd e r th a t its lin e s be ack n o w led g ed . I am d e sc rib in g its th em es and q u a litie s— its w o rk in g a b ility — su g g e stin g th at it w ill be s u ita b le fo r
p assa g e on this jo u r n e y , su ita b le fo r my Journey o f d isc o v e ry , th a t it w ill hold w h a t it n eed s to hold. T h e lines of m y vessel a re m u ltip le . T h ey are b len d ed and lin k ed . The process o f w ritin g , the n a tu re o f in q u iry , th e p ra c tic e o f s p iritu a lity b ecom e a lig n e d , p a ra lle l, p a ra b o lic (from th e G re ek , p a r a besid e): lines m oving, strea m s in a s im ila r flo w .
T h e w o rk o f m y in q u iry is to form a tex t that ex p lo re s s p iritu a lity , re -c o n c e p tu a liz e s s p iritu a lity . B y tellin g my o w n sto ry , b y e x p lic a tin g th e m o v em en t o f the sp iritu a l in the spaces o f m y life, I o ffe r m y e x p e rie n c e as te x t— a sto ry w ithin this sto ry — open to a re a d in g th a t in c lu d e s s p iritu a lity . T h e ord erin g o f this text, its stru c tu re and
m o v em en t, a ssu m e s th a t m ak in g a te x t and m ak in g a life are p a ra b o lic . L iving and w ritin g a re in ter-n e sted . T h ere is a d eg ree o f self-
c o n s c io u s n e s s , an a tte n tio n to the q u a litie s th a t sh a p e (in -fo rm ) b o th w ritin g an d liv in g .
Y et, th ere is no c le a r first m om ent in w ritin g , in in q u iry . N or can I m ark the b e g in n in g o f th e sp iritu al Journey th a t lead m e to this in q u iry . I am te llin g a sto ry w ith an in d e te rm in a te b eg in n in g , p ic k in g up the sto ry in the m id d le .
In the s a n d
I w as s ta n d in g on a beach kn o w in g m y life had to m ove on . I d e c id e d it w a s tim e to do so. W ith m y toe, I c a rv e d a lin e in fro n t o f m e, a sm a ll tren ch in the sa n d , an d s te p p e d o v e r. I w a lk e d a fe w ste p s w ith a sen se o f re le a se . I h ad m a d e the cho ice. It w as a new start. I had begun. I w as m o v in g on.
T h e n I tu rn e d a n d lo o k e d b eh in d a n d sa w th e s te p s , m y fo o tp rin ts, th a t led up to th e line I had ju s t c ro sse d . I saw the
d e e p e r m ark s o f sta n d in g : m y w e ig h t m a rk e d on th e e a rth . I re a liz e d th a t I c o u ld n o t see w here I had c o m e d o w n o n to the b each. I th o u g h t o f o th er w a lk s on this shore: tid e s e ra s in g my p a s s a g e .
I m ig h t claim a m o m en t o f c h o ic e b u t I c o u ld n o t fo r g e t the longer jo u rn e y o f co m in g to the choice. It w as n ested , as I w as, in a la rg e r m o v em en t o f life.
I h eard the w aves b re ak in g as the tid e b egan to clim b th e shore: B ay o f F undy b ea c h e s d isa p p e a r quick ly . I m oved aw ay.
A text has a b eg in n in g : the first p art o f an a rra n g e m e n t o f w ritin g in a form o rd e re d and stru c tu re d , w ith n u m b ere d p a g e s, a n d a
c o n sid e re d p ro g re ssio n o f id eas, u n d e rsta n d in g , and in sig h t. B u t the b eg in n in g o f a text is a m o m en t n ested in a lo n g er flo w , fo rm e d in the m id st o f w riting. The p ro cess o f w ritin g is u n lik e th e p ro d u c t. T h e p ro c e ss of w ritin g and th e te x t p ro d u c e d h av e d iffe re n t rh y th m s , d iffe re n t sen sib ilitie s. T h e w ork o f w ritin g is unev en , u n tid y , irre g u la r, s tre tc h e d acro ss days and w eeks. A tex t lies on the p a g e (s), s tru c tu re d , d e lin ea te d , com p o sed . "T he m aking o f a life is sim ila r to th e m a k in g of a text," says L ynda S exson (in M oore, 1996, p. 54). L iving is a sp iritu a l jo u rn e y . T he sp iritu al jo u rn e y d raw s clo ser to th e p ro cess o f w ritin g
th an to the te x t p roduced. T h e c h a lle n g e a t h an d is to m a k e th e te x t te ll o f the jo u rn e y .
O f th e c u r r e n t o f tim e : a f i r s t c o n s i d e r a t i o n
C o n sid e r the cu rre n t o f tim e in w riting. T h e p ro c e ss o f w ritin g in v o lv es one flo w o f tim e, the w ritte n tex t d isp la y s an o th er. A w ritte n
te x t d isp la y s an o rd e red tim e th a t is not the e x p e rie n c e o f tim e in its a sse m b la g e . T he stru c tu re o f tim e in a w ritten te x t is a lm o st lin e a r— b e g in n in g , m id d le , e n d — n o t re v e rsib le , th o u g h p e rh a p s c y c lic a l. T h e p ro c e ss o f w ritin g m oves through d iffe re n t e x p e rie n c e s o f tim e : c h a o tic , n o n -lin e a r, re v e rsib le , c y c lic a l. T im e flu c tu a te s. T h in g s— id e a s , th e m e s, in s ig h ts , c o n n e c tio n s, e v e n ts — re tu rn : re cu r. M o m e n ts c o in c id e , a d h e re , and c o a le sc e . T h in g s b re ak in, fa ll aw ay, d isso lv e , a p p e a r u n in v ite d . T h ro u g h tim e , a tex t is asse m b led , (re )o rd e re d , and ed ite d in to a f in is h e d fo rm .
D u rin g the pro cess o f w riting, the tex t re m a in s in c o m p le te . A s a life. I c a n n o t im ag in e it as finished. It w ill h av e a "final" form : a t so m e p o in t I w ill sto p (re)w ritin g , stop ed itin g , stop. B u t ev en th en , the te x t is n o t clo sed . In h erm e n eu tics, the te x t is alw ay s o p en to a n o th e r r e a d in g , a n o th e r in te rp re ta tio n . T h e fin ish e d , w ritte n te x t re m a in s o p en . In p o st-m o d e rn tra d itio n (alread y it is h isto ric ) th e te x t is b e y o n d th e c o n tro l o f th e au th o r, su b je c t to in flu e n c e s b e y o n d its e lf, and e m b e d d e d w ith m essag e s th a t are n o t d e lib e ra te . I am also
d e s c rib in g m y life: s u b je c t to in flu en ces bey o n d m e, b e y o n d m y c o n tro l; e m b e d d e d w ith m essag e s, w ith sig n s th a t are n o t d e lib e ra te ; an d op en to be read by o thers. L iv in g rem ain s open, cu rren t. "W e liv e b y re a d in g o u r o w n sto rie s."
T im e is a fa c to r in u n d erstan d in g the s p iritu a l. T h e sp iritu a l is also n o t a lin e a r p rocess. One th in g do es not alw a y s fo llo w a n o th er. S o m e tim es w h a t arises la te r is from before. I d isc o v e r trac es in m y ow n p o e try and jo u rn a ls o f id eas and in sig h ts th a t w ere th ere b e fo re I knew th em . I d is c o v e r th a t I have c o m p an io n s in th o u g h t and id e a from o th e r tim es w ho b ecom e c lo se r to m e th an m uch o f the p re se n t, o f
p re se n t id e a s and th eo rie s. I d isc o v e r th a t th e w o rld o f sp irit an d m ind (a sin g le w ord: esp rit in F rench) is a p lace o f flow , o f flu ctu a tio n s. I w o n d e r i f w h a t is b ey o n d m e is n o t d ra w in g m e, c a llin g m e to th is task? Am I c a u g h t up in a c u rre n t that com pels m e to go th is w ay? Is the jo u rn e y o f m y life p re p a ra tio n fo r w ritin g , fo r w h a t is now b e/co m /in g ?
W ritin g — lik e a sp iritu a l p ra c tic e — is a w ay o f p ay in g atte n tio n , o f n o ticin g . W ritin g is ac k n o w le d g in g the traces, le ttin g them h a v e a p lace. I t is see k in g the co m p an y o f v o ices, from a c ro ss tim e (s), to sp eak to an in q u iry , to a jo u rn e y . W ritin g illu stra te s a tru e r sp iritu a l
p a ra b o lic in its p ro c ess th an it o ffers in its p ro d u c t. U n d e rsta n d in g m ay a p p e a r, a t th e end, to be settled , so lid bu t in th e p ro c ess o f liv in g , o f d e v e lo p in g a s p iritu a lity , o f w ritin g , s h ift and c h a n g e are the
o p erativ e q u a litie s. In the m id d le o f th e jo u rn e y w h a t was so n e a r at the b e g in n in g see m s fa r aw ay . T h in g s— id eas, in s ig h ts , c o n n e c tio n s, e v e n ts— m o v e, a p p e a r, a n d d isa p p e a r. T h in g s b re a k in to th in k in g and im ag in atio n to beco m e w o rd s on a page, liv ed e x p e rie n c e s in a life . As in w ritin g , so it is w ith sp irit: th e re a re irru p tio n s th a t m ark a life , out- o f-c o n tro l a m e n d m e n ts th a t c h a n g e th e c o u rse o f b e /c o m /in g , that b e c o m e in sc rib e d in a life.
T h e p a r a b o l i c : a s e c o n d c o n s i d e r a t i o n
T o u n d e rs ta n d the p a ra b o lic n a tu re o f w ritin g , liv in g and
sp iritu a lity , I p au se to c o n sid er: If m aking a te x t and m aking a life are s im ila r (p a ra b o lic ), then p e rh a p s a g ra p h m ay illu s tra te th e ir re la tio n . T he m ak in g o f a te x t— w ritin g — m u st in te rse c t w ith th e re ad in g o f a text, the tex t w ritten . . A t so m e p o in t they are in co m m o n . T h e re fo re , the m ak in g o f a te x t becom es one axis and the reading o f a text serv es as
th e o th e r ax es fo r the line: m aking a life. T he lin e scrib e d is a p arab o la o f liv in g th a t n e v e r re ach e s eith er the m aking or the re ad in g o f text: o n ly d ra w in g c lo se .
A P a ra b o lic o f L iv in g on the Axes o f R ead in g an d M aking a T ext.
I w o n d e r, h o w ev er, ab o u t the m ovem ent o f lin e s in the grap h . D o es th e lin e o f liv in g fa ll tow ard reading h av in g b eg u n n e a r m ak in g ? D oes it rise from m aking tow ard reading? O r does life arise from re a d in g to m o v e to w ard m ak in g ? W hich w ay d oes a life m ove? D oes life b e g in in th e m id d le , a t the fu rth est po in t from e ith e r re a d in g or m a k in g an d flo w to w ard both?
I f the m ak in g o f a life is sim ilar to the m aking o f tex t, and also, h e rm e n e u tic a lly , to th e re a d in g of a text, p erh ap s b o th the ax es, m aking
an d re a d in g , a p p a re n t as s tra ig h t lin es in the g ra p h , are a c tu a lly
p a ra b o la s on o th e r ax es in fin ite ly exten d ed so th a t they a p p e a r h e re as in te rse c tin g s tra ig h t lin es. P erh a p s th ey are sets o f in te r-lin k e d
p a ra b o lic cu rv es on a v a rie ty o f axes. P erhaps the spin o f d im e n sio n an d ax es m ak e a v is u a liz a tio n im p o ssib le . P erh a p s to u n d e rsta n d th e form o f the sim ila rity o f m ak in g a te x t (w ritin g ), re ad in g
h e rm e n e u tic a lly , and m a k in g a life (b e /c o m /in g ), th e v isu a l im ag e sh o u ld be:
P ara b o lic P arallels; W ritin g , R eading, L iving . . .
I am d raw in g lin es: p arab o la (G reek p a r a b o l e , a p la c in g a lo n g sid e , co m p ariso n , p a ra b o la )— w ritin g , read in g , living. In so d o in g , I o ffe r m y sto ry , m y v ersio n o f jo u rn e y , m y acco u n t o f co n sid e rin g s p iritu a lity . I add a fo u rth cu rv e in th e set: th e sp iritu a l jo u rn e y as a n o th e r p a ra b o la , a n o th e r s im ila r m o v e m e n t.
