Master’s Thesis
Medical Anthropology and Sociology Graduate School of Social Science
“AS A GUY, I’M PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS READY TO GO”: A GENDERED ANALYSIS
OF SEXUAL CONSENT
Kara Gitter
Personal Email: kgitter512@hotmail.com Student Number: 11248165
Supervisor: Anja Hiddinga Second Reader: Patrick Brown
Amsterdam June 30, 2017
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Acknowledgements
First and foremost, I must thank Allie for the inspiration to this thesis. Your continued discussions with me about consent opened up a new world of questions and made this thesis possible. I would also like to thank all of my informants—both formal and informal—for their insight into a typically taboo topic. Thank you for being willing to discuss some of the most intimate moments of your life with me. Topics of sexuality are rarely easy to talk about, and your honesty and self-analysis were humbling and extremely valued. Without all of you, there would be no thesis.
I would also like to thank my supervisor, Anja Hiddinga, for her continued support and advice despite the many changes this thesis has gone through since the beginning. Furthermore, a giant thank you to my peers within the Medical Anthropology and Sociology program. The support, brainstorming, and suggestions have been incredibly valuable. Ingrid and Laura—thank you for always being available to answer questions, listen to complaints, and help me relax during this process.
Lastly, I would like to thank my friends and family for their continued love and support during this thesis. Every time I struggled along the way, you were there to pick me up and send me back on my way. Meghan—thank you for being my cheerleader and my editor. Without you, there would be at least 500 more times “that” was used in this thesis.
“AS A GUY, I’M PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS READY TO GO”: A GENDERED ANALYSIS OF SEXUAL CONSENT 3 Abstract
Due to the ambiguity in definitions and legality of consent, it is no surprise many young men and women are not sure what consent is supposed to look or sound like. Aside from this confusion, people have embodied certain ideas about sexual behavior that are ultimately
gendered. The goal of this research was to determine how young adults approach consent despite all the cultural ambiguity that surrounds the topic. This paper takes a deeper look at connections between consent and topics such as intoxication, previous consent, and non-disclosure. Applying the concepts of habitus, gender roles, the heterosexual script, and male sexual discourse to this analysis are imperative to explore the behavior of my participants.
4 Table of Contents: Acknowledgments………...……….2 Abstract………...3 1. Introduction………...5
1.1 Theoretical Background/Literature Review………..…….7
Consent………...……….…....8
Gender Roles………..…..…..10
Heterosexual Script………....11
Token Resistance………....13
1.2 Objectives and Research Questions……….13
2. Methodology……….….14
2.1 Study Location……….14
2.2 Study Type and Population………..14
2.3 Data Collection Techniques and Analysis………...15
2.4 Ethical Considerations……….16
2.5 Reflection……….17
3. “Sex to men is like candy to a baby”: Considering Gender and Consent……...………...18
3.1 Gendered Stereotypes………..18
3.2 Initiation and Behaviors……….………..23
Traumas and Consent………26
Women Initiators………..…..27
3.3 Why is Male Consent Viewed as Ever-Present?...28
Female Perspective………..………..28
Male Perspective………31
4. “I just have to use my best judgment to figure out if that person is able to consent”: Other Considerations of Consent……….………33
5.1 Consent While Intoxicated…….…………..………33
5.2 Long-Term Partnership and Consent (Previous Consent)…………..……….38
5.3 Non-disclosure………...………..40
“AS A GUY, I’M PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS READY TO GO”: A GENDERED ANALYSIS OF SEXUAL CONSENT 5 Chapter 1- Introduction
As an undergraduate student, I attended an American university known for its binge drinking and hookup culture. I was confronted with the idea of consent many times in this environment through observations, stories, and personal experiences. Each of these experiences left me with an awful feeling in my stomach, yet I wasn’t sure what to do or say to fix the problem. Was what happened to me important enough to report? Since I didn’t say “no” but I also didn’t say “yes”, did I consent? Was this all just a big misunderstanding since we were both drunk? These questions are all common ones within a college campus. My experiences and observations during undergrad left me with a vague understanding of consent; I was, and still am, unsure how to define my own experiences.
I returned to my alma mater to conduct fieldwork for this thesis, which began as a desire to analyze the sexual education of young women in Wisconsin. While this data was interesting to me, I soon found the women being interviewed did not have much to say on the topic. Many of them did not remember any formal sexual education and never received any from their parents, either. My goal was to find out where they learned about sexual education, yet I was met with roadblocks, as no one could remember what their true influencers were. Despite attempting to trigger these memories through narratives, questions, and various other avenues, it became clear that my interviews on this particular topic would not make for a rich analysis.
During one of these interviews, one of my participants discussed their1 involvement with
a sexual assault services provider on campus. Over the course of three interviews, our
conversations frequently ended up about consent, sexual violence, and campus life. I became inspired by these conversations and suddenly began to see consent everywhere: in bars, in my personal life, and even within my research, as I began every session asking for consent. As I considered consent, I was once again reminded of my struggles defining consent as an undergraduate student, and I was inspired to find out what my peers thought about the topic.
After a few informal interviews with colleagues, I soon realized this is the topic I should be studying. “I’ve never thought this much about consent before” became a sentence I heard repeatedly. Narratives were rich, and it was abundantly clear consent is a topic that is not
1 Within this thesis, I will be using “they/them” pronouns as a gender-neutral alternative to
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discussed nearly enough among young adults. Many of my participants shared stories of being accused of sexual assault when they thought their partner consented, such as Kevin’s narrative of uncertain consent while intoxicated.
Kevin (28): I was going to my friend’s wedding. My friend’s cousin ended up being on the party bus, and we were both very, very, very intoxicated. Long story short, we ended up hooking up that night. Some of the details were a little foggy, but then we continued to date for close to two months. I would stay over at her apartment quite a bit. As part of the relationship, we continued to hook up. This is where the story takes a turn. She ends up telling her cousin that she doesn’t want to see me, doesn’t want to ever talk to me again, because I raped her that night in the casino. She says she was black out drunk, and she woke up in the middle of sex with me taking advantage of her. The fact that she continued to date me for the next two months and regularly was with me was just kind of omitted. In that particular instance, we were both drunk. There was no verbal consent. She took off my pants. We were both horny as hell, and we just went to work.
Even more participants shared stories of when they did not consent, but were coerced or assaulted. Emily was brave enough to share her narrative of sexual assault.
Emily (24): I was sexually assaulted when I was in college. I was drunk. I never said no, but I never said yes. I never gave consent, but my body just kind of froze up. It was really violent, and I felt unsafe saying no. I never said stop. I just lay there frozen, because I knew he was bigger than me and that I couldn’t stop it, and I was scared.
These two narratives are more common that one would expect. Within my 10 interviews with women, at least half of them admitted to being sexually assaulted in some form. Not a single man admitted the same thing. This may be due to not wanting to admit to something that would challenge their embodiment of masculinity, but due to their candidness on other topics, I believe it simply is due to them not experiencing those situations. At the same time many men revealed stories of being accused of sexual assault. None of the women had experienced this, though. Many of those scenarios were due to miscommunication with the man believing the sex was consensual even though it was not, such as Kevin described. Most of these individuals have kept these stories to themselves for years despite the fact that so many of their peers have experienced similar circumstances. When I discovered most young adults struggled with the grey areas of consent, from either side of the spectrum, I knew I had to do my research on this perplexing topic
“AS A GUY, I’M PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS READY TO GO”: A GENDERED ANALYSIS OF SEXUAL CONSENT 7 to find out how young adults view consent, how they handle consent in practice, and why these miscommunications occur.
As a result of this newfound inspiration, I changed my research topic to be focused on analyzing sexual consent. I kept many of my former participants, only dropping those who were not comfortable participating any longer. I also found some new participants who were in a slightly older age range, as I expanded the range from 18-24 to 18-28. This allowed for
participants who had more time to experience consent within sexuality. Along with this change, I also opened up my research to males. Informal interviews revealed some men thought about consent in a different way than the women participants. Additionally, they faced different social dilemmas and circumstances, such as the reality of sexual assault. As Anthony states, “If we have sex and we both go to the police and say we were raped, I am the one getting arrested. It’s just a fact.” This indicates that consent, or a lack thereof, has different implications for men and women due to societal factors and gender stereotypes. The comparative study between men and women made for a fascinating analysis that I was missing in my first group of participants.
While these setbacks in the field shortened my fieldwork time, I found new enthusiasm with the change of topic. The resulting narratives and themes will be discussed within this thesis. First, I will begin by describing my theoretical framework, where I first problematize the notion of consent. I will also introduce the concepts of consent, gender roles, the heterosexual script, and token resistance, which are essential for my analysis. Following the introduction of my research question and methodology, I will explain why these concepts are crucial for understanding the grey areas of consent. The subsequent chapters include how gendered stereotypes, initiation and behaviors, the male sexual discourse, intoxication, long-term partnership, and non-disclosure impact consent.
1.1 Theoretical Background/ Literature Review
My beginning interviews on sexual education informed me that my peers are
knowledgeable about sex. They could describe many aspects of sexuality in extraordinary detail, such as the biological components of contraception. Many of my participants know how sex works, participate in it freely, and dismiss the stigmas that come with being sexually active. For young adults today, sex appears to be a normal part of life.
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Young adults are bombarded with images and ideas of sexuality in media and through various other sources, such as songs lyrics, advertisements, and magazines, yet these images are all diverse, which leads to confusion about how sexuality should be enacted. When I began to discuss consent with my participants, it was abundantly clear there is a gap in the knowledge of young adults. Despite being so open about their sexuality, the topic of consent is rarely a point of discussion. Their strong, positive answers dwindled into hesitant, embarrassed answers. No one had ever taught them about consent and, if they did learn, it was in very formal, official
capacities that were hard to relate to real life. Most participants explained they never discussed sexuality with their parents in general, so they would not have explained consent. More so, they explained that their sexual education programs in high school missed the concept of consent completely. My participants demonstrated to me that sexuality is a confusing and messy concept, and consent is something that just further blurs the lines of understanding. In the following section, I will clarify different meanings of consent and what makes it difficult to handle consent in practice.
Consent
Consent has many grey areas. Most individuals struggled with the word when I mentioned it in a question. Some of this was due to never discussing consent in the past. However, for many others, it was because the discussions of consent in abstract are difficult to align with uncertainties encountered in the practices of consent. When I asked participants “what does consent look like?”, some of their responses included:
Jack (23): [Consent] looks like one person demonstrating to the other person that they approve of what is occurring and what could potentially occur in the future. Consent is a complex subject that I don’t think about nearly ever.
Nicole (28): Consent is respect for me. You respect each other’s wishes and each other’s privacy, and if anyone doesn’t feel comfortable at any time, you can stop at any time. While these are answers that coincide nicely with the standard discourses on consent, as the interviews continued, it was clear that consent is not as black and white as these answers would imply. While most individuals had a strong answer to my original question, when I began to ask more specific questions, their certainty waivered. For instance, I asked both Jack and Nicole what these demonstrations of consent looked like specifically. Is it verbal or non-verbal? Is it one
“AS A GUY, I’M PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS READY TO GO”: A GENDERED ANALYSIS OF SEXUAL CONSENT 9 person or both parties? Despite their certainty in the original response, as I continued to ask more specific questions, the confusion began to set in. It became clear to me most people have an idea of what consent looks like as a theory, but when this theory is picked apart, there is a lot of room for grey areas and questions.
My participants showed me they know enough about consent to give me a formal answer. However, even that can lead to confusion, as many different sources have individual
explanations of consent and instances where consent is not possible. According to the End Violence on Campus (EVOC) program (2017) at the University of Wisconsin-Madison,
“Sexual assault is any sexual contact made without consent. Consent must be freely given with overt words or actions that clearly communicate an individual’s desire to engage in sexual activities. Consent is a clear yes, not the absence of a no. Consent cannot legally be obtained if an individual is incapacitated due to alcohol or other drugs, is
unconscious or asleep, or has limited mental capacity.”
The definition by EVOC indicates that consent can be verbal or non-verbal as long as the response is clear. What makes a response clear? Does active participation, such as moaning or eye contact, in the activities indicate consent? In addition to this, how much alcohol renders someone “incapacitated”?
According to the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) (2015), “Consent is an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity.” This definition gives the impression that consent is simple: if both parties agree, there is no problem. However, it fails to consider scenarios where this is not possible. Some of these instances are outlined in the EVOC definition, such as intoxication. Another problematic aspect of the RAINN definition is that it does not explain how one goes about consenting. Is it a verbal agreement or a non-verbal one? Do both count as consent? Even “clear” definitions of consent, such as the EVOC and RAINN definitions, continue to leave questions regarding the “right” way to consent.
The legal implications of consent are just as unclear as the moral implications of consent. For instance, if a sexual partner does not disclose their HIV status, there is legal precedent that claims the sex was not consensual (Buchanan 2015: 1260-1270). If the lack of sexual disclosure influences the individual’s decision to have sex, the sex can be considered non-consensual (Buchanan 2015: 1260-1270). Additionally, while an argument of “no means yes” is not legally valid, if consent was given at any time for any act, there is a grey area in the law concerning
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whether the preceding acts were consensual (Harvard Law Review 2004: 2341-2364). According to the 1979 case State v. Way, 297 N.C. 293 (N.C. 1979), “If the actual penetration is
accomplished with the woman’s consent, the accused is not guilty of rape” (Palmer 2003). This means that if consent was given for the original act, it cannot be withdrawn, which goes against many non-legal definitions of consent that states that consent is a continued yes. According to EVOC (2017), if a “yes” turns to “no” at any time, consent is withdrawn. This indicates that even under the law, the definition of consent is unclear and may not agree with non-legal definitions of consent.
Due to the ambiguity in definitions and laws regarding consent, it is no surprise many young men and women are not sure what consent is supposed to look or sound like. Even those who are very familiar with teachings on consent tend to be confused on how these rules relate to their individual sex lives. In the United States, one in five women experience rape during their lifetime (National Sexual Violence and Research Center 2015). This statistic, while alarming, is a conservative estimate, as there is a much larger number of women who experience other forms of sexual violence besides the true definition of rape (National Sexual Violence Research Center 2015). The lack of clarity that surrounds this issue makes it more likely for young men and women to be unaware of how to consent or ask for consent, in addition to being more unlikely to report sexual violence. Despite this confusion, people have embodied certain ideas about sexual behavior that are ultimately gendered. In the next subsection, I will explore how gender roles interact with sexuality and consent.
Gender Roles
Gender roles play an important role in how individuals view their sexuality and, in turn, consent. Gender role stereotypes—or one’s perceptions of how a man or woman acts within society—influence how an individual interacts with the world (Crooks and Baur 2010: 140). The idea of gender roles begins at an extremely young age (Levy and Carter 1989) and is internalized to such a degree that most adults continue to express these roles as part of their identity (Zhang et al 2015). A study by Levy and Carter (1989) determined that children between the ages of two and five already exhibit signs of gender roles. Gender roles can thus be seen as part of what Bourdieu conceptualized as habitus, which is “internalized during early childhood and is a primarily unconscious process” (Dumais 2002: 46). Habitus, otherwise known as one’s
“AS A GUY, I’M PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS READY TO GO”: A GENDERED ANALYSIS OF SEXUAL CONSENT 11 internalized disposition, skills, or habits, works by internalizing social structure, which, in turn, becomes embodied behavior (Dumais 2002: 46). According to Bourdieu, class and gender are important determinants in this social structure, and it influences everything from the way people see the world to the way they act (Bourdieu 1984: 107). Bourdieu’s habitus is an essential tool for analyzing actions in relation to social structures. In this thesis, I will relate habitus to gender roles and sexuality and their consequences on consent.
By using Bourdieu’s theory of habitus, McCall (1992: 846) argues that gendered
dispositions are attached to the body in a way that constrains and subordinates the meaning of a woman’s activities. As a result, a woman’s actions in regard to consent are deeply affected by habitus and the constraints that society places on a woman’s sexuality. Additionally, McCall (1992: 844) states, “Gender as a principle of division is secondary because it is hidden and it is hidden because it appears to be universal and natural.” The belief that sexual behaviors are universal and natural are common among my participants, and McCall’s interpretation of Bourdieu’s habitus will assist me in demonstrating how this impacts consent.
Judith Butler (1956) argues that gender is constructed outside of the individual and that, as a result, all people embody a gendered self. Since gender is constructed, it is not innate or universal, and those that deviate from gendered norms demonstrate this fact (Butler 1956). In this way, I argue that gender is an aspect of habitus. Since gender is performed through the imitation of dominant conventions of gender (Butler 1956), one’s societally determined gender is deeply internalized and demonstrated through disposition, skills, or habits. Throughout this thesis, I will demonstrate how gender as habitus greatly impacts how my participants view their sexuality and expected gender roles within those scenarios. For a more concrete understanding of how this concept plays out in today’s society, the next subsection will consider media influences of gender through the concept of the heterosexual script.
Heterosexual Script
The heterosexual script is a heteronormative and dominant sexual script within media that defines how male and female characters must enact their sexuality (Kim et al 2007: 154). Per Seabrook et al (2016), the heterosexual script is comprised of three facets. The first is the sexual double standard, which states that men want sex, and women set the sexual limits (Seabrook et al 2016). The second facet is comprised of courtship strategies (Seabrook et al 2016). This part of
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the script demonstrates the important factors in finding sexual partners; men attract women through their power, and women attract men through their beauty and sex appeal (Seabrook et al 2016). The last facet of the script includes commitment strategies that position men as
commitment phobic and women as commitment hungry (Seabrook et al 2016). These three aspects of the heterosexual script work together to describe how men and women should act in sexual scenarios, which is demonstrated throughout media, specifically within popular TV shows and movies (Seabrook et al 2016).
According to Kim et al (2007), the heterosexual script works by sustaining power inequalities between men and women through reward or punishment of character thoughts and actions. In the rare instances that characters go off the script and act in ways that are not deemed appropriate for their gender, they are met with shame, embarrassment, and regret (Kim et al 2007: 154). While Kim et al’s (2007) ideas of the heterosexual script mostly agree with the facets introduced by Seabrook et al (2016), there is one large difference. Seabrook et al (2016) suggests that a woman’s role within the heterosexual script is always the gatekeeper of sex. However, Kim et al (2007) identifies a dichotomy within the female script.
“Whereas boys must constantly work to construct and assert their masculinity, girls walk the precarious line between making themselves sexually available to men and being appropriately demure—the tension at the heart of femininity” (Kim et al 2007: 154). Kim et al’s (2007) dichotomy of women being sexually available, yet appropriately demure is a crucial aspect of the heterosexual script that I identified within my participants’ scenarios. Therefore, within this thesis, I will be using Seabrook et al’s (2016) three facets of the
heterosexual script with the addition of the woman’s dichotomy proposed by Kim et al (2007). In conjunction with the theory of heterosexual script, I will use scenario as a concept to describe sexual situations. In this thesis, I will describe how heterosexual scripts play out into sexual scenarios, imagined or in real life. In this way, I use scenario as the physical embodiment of heterosexual scripts. The development of scenarios is frequently used as a technique in
research to identify social structures and the powers that lie within them to better understand how these situations impact future events and the human actions that may occur (MacKay and
Tambeau 2013). Additionally, the use of scenarios demonstrates the normative actions and ideals of society (Andreescu et al. 2013). Within my research, the transformation of heterosexual scripts into scenarios was a useful tool to better engage my participants. The use of scenarios
“AS A GUY, I’M PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS READY TO GO”: A GENDERED ANALYSIS OF SEXUAL CONSENT 13 caused participants to rethink sexual situations they were describing to me in addition to
considering how they would handle various theoretical situations. Furthermore, it allowed me to determine the normative thinking of my research group. This tool was particularly useful when considering the concept of token resistance, which I will explore in the following subtopic.
Token Resistance
As stated by Muehlenhard and Hallabaugh (1988), token resistance is when women say no to sex but mean yes. Muelenhard and Hallabaugh (1988) describe this phenomenon as a response to traditional sexual scripts and the sexual double standard that was previously discussed. Muelenhard and McCoy (1991) later confirmed this finding with the understanding that women who employ token resistance do so not because they themselves believe in the sexual double standard, but rather they believe their male sexual partner believes in the sexual double standard. Thus, the women did not want to appear too eager for sex in order to maintain the feminine persona they believe their partners desire (Muelenhard and McCoy 1991).
In contrast to these results, Shotland and Hunter (1995) concluded that token resistance does not exist. Rather, the women who reported engaging in token resistance said no and meant no, or alternately maybe, but changed their minds to yes (Shotland and Hunter 1995). Since the women did not say no while meaning yes, token resistance did not occur (Shotland and Hunter 1995). In response to the findings of Shotland and Hunter (1995), Muelenhard and Rogers (1998) published a new study, which found that token resistance does exist, but it exists for both genders for a variety of reasons such as power, morals, or the sexual double standard.
Within my own research, I will be using the original Muelenhard and Hallabaugh article to describe the phenomenon my participants indicated. The first reason for this is that it is the most descriptive article of what it means to participate in token resistance. Beyond this, I believe this finding of token resistance best fits my participants’ experiences. While it is possible the women described changed their minds from the original no, the male descriptions of token resistance seem to better fit the scenario where the woman says no but means yes due to their emphasis on non-verbal communication. Additionally, while I find the later findings of
Muelenhard and Rogers useful, none of my male participants reported saying no while meaning yes, nor saying no and changing their minds. As a result, I have made the decision to focus on
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the first article by Muelenhard and Hallabaugh as my basis for token resistance, which will be seen in the analysis section of this thesis.
1.2 Objectives and Research Question
This research aims to explore the grey areas of consent. The main objective of this study is to gain understanding into the differences between how young adults are taught about or view consent and how consent works in practice. To explore this topic, the following research question was considered:
How do gender roles and particular ideas about desirable behaviors in sexual encounters impact how young adults in Wisconsin, United States, deal with consent in practice?
Chapter 2- Methodology 2.1 Study Location
Of the estimated 25% of American women who have been sexually assaulted, approximately one half of those cases involved alcohol by the perpetrator, victim, or both (Abbey et al 2001). While drinking does not necessarily lead to sexual assault, various factors while drinking can increase the likelihood of an assault occurring, such as the drinking
environment, cognitive impairments of both the victim and perpetrator, and motor impairments of the victim (Abbey et al 2001).
My study location was Madison, Wisconsin. Madison is home of the University of Wisconsin-Madison, which is a state school known for both academics and binge drinking. The University of Wisconsin-Madison was ranked the top party school in the United States in 2017 by the Princeton Review (Franek 2017). It has also been ranked among the top 20 party schools in 22 surveys over the past 25 years (Franek 2017). According to a study done by the university known as AlcoholEdu, students at the University of Wisconsin-Madison have double the rate of high-risk drinkers than the control group (AlcoholEdu 2013). This is of little surprise when looking at state statistics in general. The Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation (2015) determined that Wisconsin is the heaviest drinking state in the country. The high drinking rates of Wisconsin and the potential links that drinking has to sexual assault make Wisconsin a noteworthy choice for research on consent.
“AS A GUY, I’M PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS READY TO GO”: A GENDERED ANALYSIS OF SEXUAL CONSENT 15 2.2 Study Type and Population
This is a qualitative, exploratory study aimed to provide insight into understanding and practices of consent of young adults in Wisconsin. My study focused on men and women between the ages of 18 and 28.
Due to the population of this study being mostly heterosexual, this study focuses on heterosexual relationships. While not all participants identify as heterosexual, many of the examples given during interviews remained heteronormative and, therefore, will be reflected as such within this thesis.
2.3 Data Collection Techniques and Analysis
Due to the sensitive nature of my chosen topic and the need for participant self-analysis, interviews were the only logical choice for my data collection. Twenty semi-structured in-depth interviews were performed over a fieldwork period of eight weeks. Ten of these were men and the other 10 were women. All participants resided in Wisconsin, were college educated (or currently enrolled in college), young, white, and, generally, middle to upper class. All interviews were voluntary, and participants were chosen due to their willingness to discuss personal details of their sexual exploits. There were six main questions asked, but other than these structured questions, I let the participant lead the interview. As a result, many of my interviews were rich with narratives and self-analysis by the participants. Beyond the formal interviews, I had many informal discussions with participants and non-participants alike about consent. Each of these discussions helped me better understand the confusion surrounding consent and how to better approach this sensitive topic. All formal interviews were recorded, and subsequently, transcribed and coded by hand.
Informed consent was asked of each participant in line with the American Anthropological Association’s (AAA) (2012) Code of Ethics. AAA states that written consent is not necessary to have informed consent. Because of this, my interviews all began with a thorough explanation of my research, any possible harm that may come to the participants, and an explanation that their participation is voluntary and, due to this, they can withdraw consent at any time. Participants have informed consent throughout the whole process through the constant negotiation of consent. This consent includes input from the participant during the writing process of my subsequent thesis and the level of anonymity the participant desired. All names of
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participants within this thesis have been changed for their privacy. Each participant gave verbal consent to be recorded and their narrative used within this thesis.
Grounded theory was used for data analysis along with the societal understandings of the environment and current literature on the topic.
2.4 Ethical Considerations
Gloria González-López considers mindful ethics while doing ethnographic research. I used her work as a basis for my own ethical considerations of this research. My participants all have “complex everyday lives characterized by unique social circumstances” (González-López 2011: 448). There are many social circumstances I will fail to see, as I spent such a short amount of time with each participant, and what they told me is completely voluntary. Because of this, I needed to consider my questions carefully and leave interviews open to whatever the participants cared to discuss.
Mindfulness entails engaging everyday life critically (González-López 2011: 449). Rather than abiding by arbitrary categories that society dictates, I critically challenged the assumptions I have due to these categories and let my participants dictate their own position within society. This is especially relevant since I am researching sexuality. Many people reject societal labels and expectations regarding sexuality, so it was important I did not assume sexual practices based on certain labels. For instance, just because one of my participants may identify as heterosexual when asked, it does not mean that he or she never engages in sexual activity with other men or women. Likewise, it is important not to assume monogamy even if the participants are in a relationship. Not only do these assumptions make my research less mindful, but they also take away from the rich ethnography I may encounter by asking questions that may seem obvious and leaving my assumptions out of the interviews.
Mindfulness also means being contentious and aware of what we are thinking, feeling, saying, and doing (González-López 2011: 450). As sexuality is a very personal topic for many people, it is important the participants felt comfortable discussing the details with me. If I was not mindful of how I come across to my participants, it was possible that my actions or words would come across as judgmental, and then the participant would not want to share any further thoughts.
“AS A GUY, I’M PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS READY TO GO”: A GENDERED ANALYSIS OF SEXUAL CONSENT 17 Lastly, González-López (2011: 450) discusses how grounded theory helps her be more mindful during research. “Grounded theory is an approach that accounts for and appreciates how knowledge emerges from fieldwork and ethnographic journeys” (González-López 2011: 450). In this way, grounded theory allows researchers to stay open to unexpected knowledge that may arise from interviews. I exhibited grounded theory by being open to topics beyond my original ideas, which ended up being the basis for this thesis. Through grounded theory, I accepted that there are many factors that are out of a researcher’s control. Beyond this, there was a need for me to remain vigilant of possible ethical dilemmas during all aspects of the research. Mindful research allows for reflexivity and careful considerations of the ethical issues that arise during research.
2.5 Reflection My Identity
My position as a researcher was a precarious one. As a young woman who has
experienced coercion, sexual harassment, and forms of sexual assault, it was difficult to hear the answers to some of my questions. I tried to be an objective third party, but that is not completely possible when you are connected to a topic like I am. Due to my previous experiences, I strongly believe in consent from both parties, and it was disheartening to hear some of the responses. While most individuals did not know that aspect of my identity until I revealed it, many men were still cautious about the way they described their experiences due to my position as a woman.
Despite the downfalls of my position, I feel my experiences also made me a better researcher. My position allowed me a unique perspective. When survivors of sexual assault shared their stories, I was not only able to sympathize, I was also able to share my own
experiences and create a dialogue rather than a formal interview. Likewise, when someone had an opinion that made me uncomfortable, my unique position allowed me to ask different questions, challenge the words said for meaning, and create a two-sided dialogue rather than simply their narrative. Therefore, my position as a young woman who has experienced many of the topics surrounding consent has aided this research.
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My Informants
Many informants, especially men, were worried about participating in my research. Their fears were that I was looking for stories of rape or sexual assault, and that they would be painted in this light. Many women did not feel they had anything of importance to share with me, since they were not survivors of sexual assault. Both sets of participants were eased when I explained I was curious about consent in and out of relationships, whether they are positive or negative experiences.
Within an hour of meeting them, most participants were sharing intimate details of sexual encounters openly. Many people described horrific experiences, from sexual assault to getting accused of sexual assault. I allowed room for participants to go through a “self-evaluation” during the interview, and many of them broke down and analyzed their own experiences. This was extremely humbling to witness as a researcher, as well as extremely useful in comparison to my own analysis. After every interview, the participants made comments like, “I never thought this much about consent before.” I believe this indicates that consent should be a topic discussed more frequently, as most people have had struggles on one side of it or the other, but rarely is there a forum to discuss it in detail.
Chapter 3- “Sex to men is like candy to a baby”: Considering Gender and Consent 3.1 Gendered Stereotypes
Within my research, I attempted to stay away from gendered stereotypes, but it became a challenge that was virtually impossible. Most of the responses I received from participants were gendered in some way. This made me realize that gender roles play an important role in consent. Gender role stereotypes—or one’s perceptions of how a man or woman acts within society— greatly influence how an individual approaches their sexuality and interacts with sexual partners (Crooks and Baur 2010: 140). Within American society, there is a common assumption that men are “naturally” more sexual beings than women (Crooks and Baur 2010: 140). As a result, women are socialized from a young age to suppress their sexual urges at the same time that men are encouraged to embrace them (Crooks and Baur 2010: 140). Because these stereotypes are so engrained in society, it is first crucial to examine these cultural ideas to better understand my informants’ stories.
“AS A GUY, I’M PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS READY TO GO”: A GENDERED ANALYSIS OF SEXUAL CONSENT 19 Where do these ideas stem from? Jennifer Jewell and Christia Brown (2013) suggest these ideas begin within the media. Women are referenced as sex objects in TV shows almost six times per hour, and 80.5% of women within popular men’s magazines are portrayed as sex objects (Jewell and Brown 2013: 594). In addition, men are referred to as sex-focused almost four times per hour in the same TV shows (Jewell and Brown 2013: 594). By the time a girl reaches her teenage years, 67% have been the target of verbal sexual harassment, and 51% have been the victim of physical sexual harassment (Jewell and Brown 2013: 595). According to Jewell and Brown (2013: 595), these verbal and physical harassments are stereotypical because they are not overtly sexual, yet are normally performed in front of peers to portray a certain image. Because of media depictions of sexuality, as well as constant reinforcement by peers, by the time children become young adults, these attitudes toward sexuality are well engrained.
Anthony (26): I mean I don’t know, because I’m not a woman, but I have been told that there is a certain amount of restraint that women have toward sex. I think about like what if she wants to have sex but she feels like she can’t initiate? The idea is that guys, in general, are supposed to take charge. I’m supposed to bring her flowers, I’m supposed to woo her, and I’m supposed to make sure she knows I’m interested. Don’t even get me started on popular culture. If the average guy did what they did in romance movies, they would be stalkers! It’s freakish! Not only would he be in jail, but also he should be! He just showed up to her work, and she didn’t even tell him her name! Guys are growing up watching that, and so are women, so to a certain extent, I think we are a product of our popular culture. When guys grow up seeing that so many of the romance movies that girls are like “no, no, I’m not interested in you” but then the guy eventually wins her over, they think that’s how it should be. How many movies show women pursuing guys? It’s rare. I mean, I’m sure they exist, but I can’t name any.
Anthony describes exactly how media, such as romance movies, impacts the way he approaches dating. As Jewell and Brown (2013) describe, Anthony was constantly bombarded with media images of how relationships or sexuality should look and this, in turn, impacted his attitudes toward women.
Kim et al (2007) and Seabrook et al (2016) further explore this notion of media
influencers by considering the heterosexual script, as the heterosexual script defines how male and female characters must enact their sexuality. The men and women in popular TV shows and
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movies construct their sexualities in standard, stereotypical ways (Kim et al 2007; Seabrook et al 2016). Based on how they act, they are either rewarded or punished for their actions (Kim et al 2007). Shame, embarrassment, and regret are the consequences characters face when they go off script and act in ways that are not deemed appropriate for their gender (Kim et al 2007: 154). For instance, per Kim et al’s (2007) theory of heterosexual script, if a woman experiences sexual desire and acts on it, she is shamed for her desires and lack of self-control. Additionally, the male shaming comes from acting too feminine, which can include not having the hyper-masculine viewpoint of sexuality (Kim et al 2007: 154). Since the heterosexual script is so prominent within the media, young children see characters acting in a certain way and getting rewarded or punished accordingly. This is then internalized to become the stereotypes regarding who wants sex, who the gatekeepers of sex are, how individuals attract partners, and who desires
commitment (Seabrook et al 2016).
These gendered stereotypes can be seen clearly within many of my interviews. Jack, for example, was a fascinating case study because, while he tended to live by gendered stereotypes without much thought, he was also quick to consider societal reasons without being asked about it. When asked if he ever felt like he had to give verbal consent, Jack responded with no. His reasoning began as a joke, which was punctuated with laughter, but finished with a serious thought.
Jack (23): Society. Patriarchy. But for real though, it’s a double standard. Society in general looks down on women who have a lot of sexual partners over a man who has a lot of sexual partners. Obviously, that’s not the case much anymore, but it still does exist. So, there’s no harm in consenting if you’re a male. Whereas, a female, I feel like you probably get judged more, so you’re more likely to not want to have sex with someone based on societal repercussions.
Despite this insight, he related himself to the male stereotype many times throughout the interview. He did not feel he had to give verbal consent to his female partner, because his “no” would be sufficient in any circumstance. His approach to his own consent, or lack thereof, relies on his assumption that his consent is always implied unless he states an explicit “no”. He goes on to state that he would “take any opportunity I can get!” He also made a comment that “as a guy, I’m pretty much always ready to go” in reference to sexual scenarios. While these comments may be true in Jack’s personal life, it can be questioned why he felt the need to add “as a guy” in
“AS A GUY, I’M PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS READY TO GO”: A GENDERED ANALYSIS OF SEXUAL CONSENT 21 front of his statement saying that he was always ready for sex. Based on the notion of the
heterosexual script, Jack may be trying to prove his masculinity through his sexual readiness. Additionally, Jack’s statements may be analyzed according to Bourdieu’s theory of habitus in conjunction with Butler’s ideas on gender performativity. As previously stated, gender is performed through the imitation of dominant conventions of gender (Butler 1956). As a result, one’s societally determined gender is deeply internalized and demonstrated through disposition, skills, or habits. In Jack’s case, his maleness is demonstrated by his sexual willingness. While he seems to be aware of this gender performativity, the habitus is too strong to completely negate his desire to act masculine. This results in habits of overt sexuality and a hyper-masculine disposition.
Matt describes an example of the first facet of the heterosexual script in line with Seabrook et al (2016).
Matt (23): There are fewer consequences for a guy to have sex with someone than for a woman to. Maybe most of that is social stigma, but also, they are scared of pregnancy, but I guess the rest of it is social stigma. For guys, from a very young age, there is constant pressure from peers to have sex.
Matt felt men need to abide by the heterosexual script in order to fit in with their peers. That constant pressure Matt described reiterates the push that young men feel to “act like a man,” which in many cases means demonstrating their masculinity through sexuality. Matt also pointed out the “good girl” mentality that many women struggle with. Matt’s descriptions highlight the sexual double standard within the heterosexual script due to his ideas that men are supposed to want sex all the time and women are supposed to be the gatekeepers of sex due to their risk of pregnancy (Seabrook et al 2016).
There are social stigmas that come with a woman’s sexuality, as being chaste is
rewarded within society for females (Kim et al 2007). This is clearly seen by the “appropriately demure” description of women within the heterosexual script (Kim et al 2007:154). As these chaste women are the ones who enact the heterosexual script, they are rewarded for their actions, as opposed to their peers, who are punished and shamed for being sexual beings (Kim et al 2007: 154).
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The other side of the heterosexual script as per Kim et al (2007: 154) is women being “sexually available for men”. Nicole describes a time she felt she had to act a certain way to impress a guy.
Nicole (28): There was one experience where I wasn’t comfortable with what was happening, but I was in high school. I was dumb, and I didn’t know how to speak up. I was afraid to say anything, but I was uncomfortable. A few minutes in he asked, “Is this okay?” and I said no, and then I felt okay saying no, but I didn’t feel okay saying it— starting it—saying it first. I didn’t feel like I could say anything. I felt like I needed to impress this guy, so I didn’t feel comfortable telling him no until he asked if it was okay. Nicole felt she had to abide by the heterosexual script by being sexually available for this boy when she was not ready for the sexual experience. If further analyzed, it is possible she felt conflicted between the two aspects of the desirable female: sexually available, yet modest. While she did not go into detail about why she did not feel comfortable in this situation, perhaps her young age caused her to be conflicted on how she should act. Should she be a “good girl” and follow the script that says girls should remain chaste and pure, or should she allow the sexual acts to occur to keep the boy’s interest? According to Jennifer Drobac (2006: 14), an
adolescent’s brain is continuing to develop at such an extreme rate that it may greatly impact whether they can reason, control their impulses, and make judgments. Along with this, teenagers have trouble regulating emotional responses and tend to take more risks (Drobac 2006: 14-15). Because of the lack of complete development of an adolescent’s brain, Drobac argues that teenagers are not capable of truly consenting to sexual situations. That, combined with the fact that the heterosexual script is well engrained by the time a child reaches the teenage years (Kim et al 2007), would indicate that Nicole may have been conflicted about the way she should act due to the dichotomous nature of the heterosexual script for females combined with her lack of cognitive capabilities to reason through this decision.
Another problem that arises from the heterosexual script is that a woman’s sexuality becomes more about her partner than herself.
Jessica (24): Sometimes the way they talk about sex, it’s almost a burdening thing. They aren’t doing it for their own pleasure; it’s almost a bargaining tool.
Jessica described the behavior she saw from her female friends. On the flip side of the demure female is the one who holds the power through her sexuality (Kim et al 2007). The vixen that
“AS A GUY, I’M PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS READY TO GO”: A GENDERED ANALYSIS OF SEXUAL CONSENT 23 dangles sex in front of her partner to get her way is an all-too-common narrative within the media (Kim et al 2007). This narrative is a conflicting one, as it assigns power to women, but only through the use of their bodies. This once again reinforces the heterosexual script that states men are constantly looking for sex and women do not want sex for pleasure, but for power or a desire to keep their partner satisfied (Kim et al 2007).
Gendered stereotypes, such as the ones described in Jack and Nicole’s narratives, were seen frequently within my research. Off-handed comments like “because I’m a guy” were found in almost every male interview, which further emphasizes the engrained stereotypes. Within the following sections of this thesis, I will analyze other aspects of sexual consent. While it may seem like men and women reinforce the stereotypes, it is important to remember the socio-cultural contexts from which these ideas and behaviors stem, as previously described through Bourdieu’s habitus. This can further be evaluated when considering initiation of sexual activities.
3.2 Initiation and Behaviors
One context in which expectations of genders are relevant is initiation of sexual activities. In American society, men are conditioned to initiate sexual intimacy (Kowalski 1992: 429). As stated by Muehlenhard and Hollabaugh (1988), women are trained to offer resistance to the sexual advances of men, even if that resistance is purely an act or “token resistance”. Matt is a good example of men viewing resistance as token resistance even if it is not.
Matt (23): We had started to do stuff, and she kind of said no, so I asked for verbal consent, and she said no. Then, I was being really persistent, and she said fine. So, that was like the steps of verbal consent. Then after I started, it was just her non-verbal cues that made it obvious that she didn’t want to, so I stopped. Then I asked again if
everything was okay, because I wasn’t sure at that point, and then she dissented—she said no. It started out as a pressuring situation—I pressured her into consenting, and then I realized afterward that I did and it wasn’t good for either of us. I didn’t take her no’s as serious no’s because that had never happened before. She was saying like “no, I’m kind of tired”, “not right now”, but then I just kept kind of pressuring and asking until she said yes, and I think I should have just accepted the no’s without assuming that if I kept trying it would be okay. I never have done that again. If there is a no involved, I will stop immediately.
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While Matt seems to have learned from his mistake, it is not an uncommon one to make. In response to token resistance, men are trained to ignore any resistance by females unless they are met with a strong resistance (Muehlenhard and Hallabaugh 1988). As a result, American men are much less likely to listen to verbal resistance and instead focus on non-verbal compliance
(Muelenhard and Hallabaugh 1988). However, non-verbal cues are not always perceived correctly.
“These findings suggest that when a woman’s behavior is unambiguously sexual, men and women do not perceive the sexual connotativeness of the behavior differently.
However, behaviors that are low in sexual connotation (e.g., behaviors that a woman may intend as friendly gestures) may be construed by men as reflections of sexual interest. Men may perceive that the woman is hiding her true sexual desires behind her female role of sexual conservatism. Thus, regardless of how little her behaviors connote a desire for sex, men may perceive that the desire is nevertheless present” (Kowalski 1992: 441- 442).
Kowalski’s findings reflect a concerning trend within my interviews. Frequently, I was told non-verbal cues were more important than non-verbal cues. Per Kowalski’s (1992) idea that males
commonly misconstrue behavior of females, relying solely on non-verbal cues for consent could easily lead to a disastrous situation.
Edward was one of my participants who described how he listens mostly to non-verbal cues during sexual acts. He explained that many times in his past, he had experienced girls who verbally indicated they were not interested in sex, yet end up having sex when the moment becomes more heated. Because of this token resistance that Edward has seen, he now relies almost exclusively on non-verbal cues.
Edward (28): For me, it’s a lot of non-verbal. That’s mostly what I look for with consent. One of the biggest issues that I have with consent is that there is so much non-verbal and if you read that wrong that’s where everything goes to hell.
Edward indicated that there is danger relying on non-verbal cues, such as Kowalski suggests, due to the many chances for miscommunication. Despite this risk, many of the men I talked to relied heavily on non-verbal communication within sexual scenarios.
To many of these men, kissing or eye contact are indications of sexual interest. In this way, verbal indication is not an important role in the sex lives of American men.
“AS A GUY, I’M PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS READY TO GO”: A GENDERED ANALYSIS OF SEXUAL CONSENT 25 Anthony (26): I think verbal things can lead to it if you’re having a conversation and talking about sex, but sometimes you’re just sitting there and someone goes in for the kiss and it just escalates.
As Anthony describes, verbal consent can come into play, but many times sexual activities stem from non-verbal cues such as kissing. Anthony goes on to describe that he believes in dissent rather than consent. He stated that he is not looking for a “yes”, but rather a “no”; If there is no negative verbalization occurring, consent is not necessary. However, token resistance further complicates this notion.
Regardless of what kind of signals the men received, it was clear that a “no” is not always perceived as a “no”, such as Muehlenhard and Hallabaugh (1988) described with token
resistance. Many of my participants described encounters where their sexual partners changed their minds and decided to have sex after saying they did not want to.
Kevin (28): It’s interesting thinking back on some of my sexual encounters—how I have hit all four or five ways. I’ve gotten a yes, I’ve gotten a no, I’ve gotten a yes then no, I’ve gotten a no then yes, and I’ve gotten where we just don’t talk about it—it was just
inherent or implied. I think no is more vocalized than people just saying yes. A lot more people are more up front with no than yes.
These different ways that Kevin described clearly indicate that, while no two sexual encounters are the same, the initial yes or no does not always carry through the entire scenario. This further perpetuates the idea that women say “no” in an effort for token resistance, which can lead to coercion, whether intentional or unintentional by the male partner.
The idea of women participating in token resistance is a problematic stereotype. This allows for men to continue pushing for sex even when met by resistance, because they believe women do not really mean what they are saying. Not only does this perpetuate the confusing heterosexual script, but it also reinforces rape culture, where there is a normalization of male sexual conquests (Sills et al 2016) and victim-blaming for when women do not say “no” quite as forcefully as apparently necessary to stop sexual activities (Kowalski 1992).
This token resistance can be better understood through the lens of gender performativity. I argue that token resistance is an act that is sometimes performed by females to embody their femininity. As seen in the heterosexual script, actions that describe femininity are demonstrated frequently within the media. I suggest that, by performing this act, women are unconsciously
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stating they employ the societal ideals about how women should behave. However, not all
women that I interviewed used these tactics to display their femininity, which suggests that token resistance is only one of many ways that women act out their gender in the context of consent. In the following subsection, I will consider how past sexual traumas may impact how one gives to a partner or desires to receive consent.
Traumas and Consent
Many of the women participants who performed their gender in ways other than token resistance also felt strongly about verbal consent. Whether coincidently or not, these women tended to have encountered traumas in the past. Jessica was adamant that, even after three years together, she always gives verbal consent to her partner and requires verbal consent from her partner as well. Later on, she explained the importance was due to a negative situation within a past relationship.
Jessica (24): I did not want to engage in sex, but I thought it was something that I had to do. It was one of those instances where someone uses a coercive phrase and guilt
associated with it to take what they believe they are owed. In this case, what he said was, “If you love me, you would do this”.
Due to this coercion, consent became an important part of her life in many aspects, but particularly for relationships. Her partner did not stop when she said “no”. Rather, he used coercion to convince her this was what needed to happen for him to remain happy, such as part of the heterosexual script. Jessica is not the only one who insists on verbal consent due to previous bad situations.
Rachel (18): I’m looking for a verbal yes. Obviously a verbal no is respected, but if I don’t get a yes, that’s very concerning. I think it might stem from me starting to have sex at a very young age—I think 14 is very young—and not really knowing about all of this. I was in situations where I didn’t say “no” but I didn’t say “yes”, and it was fairly
traumatic.
Like Jessica, the trauma that Rachel experienced caused her to consider verbal consent as an important aspect of her sexuality. However, not all women who agree with verbal consent had past traumas that made them feel that way. Not only does “no” mean “no”, but also a great majority of women were looking to give a verbal yes to their partner.
“AS A GUY, I’M PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS READY TO GO”: A GENDERED ANALYSIS OF SEXUAL CONSENT 27 Emily (24): I think for me, consent means a yes. So, having your partner asking you if you want to have sex or whatever it is you are doing, and getting a verbal yes or no. Your body language can show if you’re not interested, but consent needs to be verbal.
As Emily stated, even though non-verbal cues can show your interest or disinterest, it does not replace a need for verbal consent. The way many of these women describe consent is very different than the way the men describe consent. I argue that stereotypical gender roles are extremely clear in this regard, as women take on the meeker role of offering consent, while men embody the more dominant role by ignoring the need for consent at all. However, this
completely changes if the woman is the one doing the initiating, which will be briefly considered in the next subsection.
Women Initiators
While my female participants mostly described being initiated with, there are a select few who prefer to do the initiating of sexual activities. Tara is one of those women who normally initiate her sexual encounters. This flip in stereotypical sexual norms allows for Tara to have a different insight on consent than other women who are typically initiated with.
Tara (23): If I seem like I want sex, if I take my shirt off or something, I would not expect someone else to give me verbal consent. Then again, because I’m more forward than other people, I feel like it’s normally me who needs someone else’s consent. I know consent normally revolves around the woman—did the woman give consent? I know that’s not always, but in my mind, the woman gives consent. If anything, it should be me asking consent, but I never do. If they look like they want to kiss me, I’m just going to do it, and if they didn’t want that, then I’m going to apologize. So, I mostly look at non-verbal things. Are they looking at me? Do they seem into me? Are they smiling at me? Are they flirting with me?
Tara felt strongly that she did not need to give consent because her initiation indicated her consent. Tara’s statement that she only looks for non-verbal cues to know that her partner is consenting sounds exactly like the males that were previously quoted. The deviation of women who initiate sex from the normative heterosexual script can indicate that the heterosexual script is not a fixed concept and that gender performativity is not an innate, universal action (McCall 1992: 844). Rather, regarding sexuality, Tara chooses to perform a gender that deviates from the
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norm. Tara rejects the feminine heterosexual script in favor of a more traditionally masculine approach to sexuality, which she enacts through sexual initiation.
She also indicated she feels she does not need to ask for consent from her male partners. Her viewpoint on consent coincided with the typical male viewpoint, which was in sharp contrast to the typical female viewpoint. While most males indicated they did not feel an obligation to verbalize consent to their partners, only females who typically initiated sex felt the same way. This indicates that consent is gendered, and that males and females tend not to be like-minded in this regard, but have the potential to have their thoughts coincide if there is some deviation from the gendered norm. The gendered nature of consent is reflected in sexual violence statistics and sexual stereotypes (Beres 2007: 97), and will continue to be explored in the next section.
3.3 Why is Male Consent Viewed as Ever-Present? Female Perspective
As seen in Tara’s interview, there is a pervasive stereotype that follows male consent. Both male and female participates believe consent is for women to give and for men to ask for. This coincides with the ‘male sexual drive’ discourse, a term introduced by Hollway (1984: 63), which states that men are “sexually insatiable” and male sexuality is an “uncontrollable drive”. Hollway (1984) argues against the male sexual drive discourse, stating that the powers men derive from sex are not inherent or biological, but socially created. This social creation of male hyper-sexuality coincides with Butler’s theory of gender performativity, as the male sex drive is not natural or innate but rather performed by males in order to demonstrate their masculinity.
If the male sexual drive discourse is taken at face value, it states that men are viewed as always wanting sex (Beres 2007: 97). In this way, males are not required to give consent
because, within this stereotype, their consent is ever-present (Beres 2007: 97). The fact that male consent is never contested allows for males only to assume the position of consent seeker rather than consent giver, which is reminiscent of the first facet of the sexual double standard that states men want sex and women set the sexual limits (Seabrook et al 2016). Tara described the sexual double standard through an analogy of “candy to a baby”.
Tara (23): I don’t view men in a very good light. I think that’s why I give myself the authority to do whatever I want. I know that sounds really messed up, but in my mind, sex to men is like candy to a baby. In general, will a baby always say yes to candy? Yes.
“AS A GUY, I’M PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS READY TO GO”: A GENDERED ANALYSIS OF SEXUAL CONSENT 29 Granted sure, maybe some babies don’t like candy or don’t want to eat it on such and such a day but, as a general rule, the baby will take the candy. In my mind, when I think about a woman having sex, if she doesn’t want to have sex, it’s probably capped there. Sure, you might be able to touch some buttons and get her in the mood, but as a general rule, it’s not going to happen. I feel like I could convince a guy much more easily to have sex and it would be an easier convince. A guy would have to try a lot harder to get a girl in the mood than to get a guy in the mood.
Even though Tara describes herself as going against gender norms and “taking what she wants” in regard to sexuality, she also perpetuates this idea that men are always ready for sex. If she is in the mood, she expects her partner to be as well. However, the opposite does not apply. Tara’s description reiterates the idea that women are the gatekeepers to sex because men are easier to convince. However, what is perplexing about Tara’s case is that she takes the male sexual drive discourse as justification for her actions of being the more forward person in her relationships. According to the male sexual drive discourse, men have higher libidos than women and,
therefore, are always in the mood, make it so that men are “naturally” seen as the ones initiating sex (Hollway 1984: 63). Tara holds a stereotyped perspective, yet uses it for a different purpose; the stereotype that men are always consenting makes it easier for her to assume the position of initiator due to a lack of fear of being rejected.
Despite the discourse on male sexual drive, many women are still vigilant in making sure their partner desires the same activities they do.
Madison (23): One of the guys I slept with was a virgin and I asked him, “Are you sure you want to do this?” It usually seems like guys are the ones who are supposed to ask girls for consent, which is a totally not cool paradigm.
As Madison suggests, for various reasons including previous experiences, the power dynamics can shift. Unlike the usual assumption that women are hesitant and men always want sex, his lack of sexual experience put Madison in a position to ask him for consent rather than him ask her. This shift of position reiterates that the male sexual drive discourse is not accurate, as men are not always the ones with the “uncontrollable sex drive” (Hollway 1984: 63). Additionally, this shift in power challenges the habitus of my participant, as her behavior deviates from the embodied behaviors that typically describe a woman’s sexuality. Katie also experiences a shift in power during her sexual scenarios.
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Katie (22): Within sexual experiences, I normally am the one asking consent, but in subtle ways. I guess I mirror my actions to theirs more than ask, but still. I always insist on condoms, so when things are heating up, I’ll say something like “Hey, do you want to put a condom on?” I try to always ask it like a question so that they are able to say no if they want. I guess that’s my way of showing them that I consent to what is about to happen, and them putting the condom on is their way of showing me that they consent, too.
By taking the lead and asking for a condom, both parties have a chance to consent or say no to the situation. According to Katie, mirroring a partner’s actions in order to ensure that they desire sexual activities as well rather than assuming they do, replaces questions of consent from either participant.
As previously stated, common themes of the male sexual drive discourse include the man being responsible for arranging sex, the man always wanting and being ready for sex, all
physical contact must lead to sex, and birth control being the woman’s responsibility (Gilbert et al 1999: 755). In Tara’s narrative, two themes are made apparent. The first is that the man is always ready for sex. Since she states that “sex to men is like candy to a baby”, Tara is assuming that men will always be willing to participate in sex. In addition to this, all physical contact must lead to sex, which is implied when she states she can easily get a man in the mood. In contrast to this, Madison and Katie’s narratives are a little less heteronormative, yet the themes can still be deciphered. For instance, Katie does not assume the male always wants to participate in sex, but she does take control of the birth control in the situation. Likewise, Madison makes sure to disregard the stereotype that men always want sex and that all physical contact leads to sex for men. However, later on in the interview, Madison shared that she is on birth control and will ask a man to use a condom if she is not in a relationship. This coincides with the common themes of male sexual discourse. The differences between these three women demonstrate that while some woman can be extremely contentious of the stereotypes of sexuality and have a desire to make sexuality more gender-neutral, there are still various aspects of social norms that continue to perpetuate within these scenarios. While I have demonstrated that the male sexual drive discourse falsely represents a universal male sexual life, my female participants’ ideas of what male sexuality entails shows that, despite being false, these ideals are well engrained, which I
