|| Master Thesis Conflict Resolution and Governance ||
Between hell and hope:
The process of gang desistance in Los Angeles’
Latino gangs
Name: Zeineb Al-Itejawi Student number: 10148728 Supervisor: Dr. Anja van Heelsum Second Assessor: Prof. Dennis Rodgers Date: 30 June 2017 Word Count: ± 23.200Title page art: Tattoo of an interviewee symbolizing the beauty (woman), but danger (gun) of the gang, death that is always looming in the background as part of the lifestyle (skull), and the feeling of being trapped in it (widow).
Abstract
Research on gang desistance has only recently started to emerge. While this phenomenon has generally been viewed through the theoretical lens of the developmental life course theory, I argue for a model based in evaluation of their past, present and future lives: an evaluation of the rewardingness of their past, present and future relationships with the gang and other social institutions, and an evaluation of their aspirations - futures they hope for and fear. These evaluations will ultimately decide their level of commitment to the gang or to others. Through in-depth semi-structured interviews, I have collected the life stories of seven former gang members of Latino American decent in Los Angeles. The findings indicate that while there is a continuous evaluation of rewardingness of the gang and other relationships throughout their involvement, these evaluations only become salient when a vital event takes place. A vital conjuncture - a zone of possibility and future orientation – opens up. During this time, they experience the relationship with the gang as less rewarding as a result of having to deal with the negative consequences – mainly prison sentences and violence - of gang membership. In addition, the value of other relationships, mostly of their biological family, increases. Moreover, they recognize that their association with the gang will not favor their future aspirations: being there for their families, having a job and taking on an identity that they value.Acknowledgements
Jorim, love of my life, your never-ending support and love has made me want to push further and further. Thank you for always looking out for me and being a source of strength and encouragement in whatever I do and wherever I go on this world. My small but powerful family, you support and trust me in every crazy thing I want to do. Thank you for trying to keep me safe, being there when I need you and making me laugh. My supervisor Anja van Heelsum, your enthusiasm from the start and guidance throughout this whole process was exactly what I needed during my first time writing a thesis for social sciences. My professor David Laws, thank you for making me see that this subject was an option and setting me on this path. Professor Dennis Rodgers, thank you for your willingness to share your knowledge, for all the advice and for making me more enthusiastic about this subject. Now “the guys”: Anti Recidivism Coalition, you guys basically made my thesis. Without you it would also not have been as much fun, thank you for making me part of your ARC family and welcoming me in your organization and hearts and telling me your incredible stories of strength and hope. Homies Unidos, you guys have been my starting point and introduced me to this world that I knew so little about. Thank you for your patience, help and the laughs. I want to thank Sam in particular. Having you as my first interviewee was the best way to start my fieldwork. Thank you for being such an inspiration not just to me, but to everyone around you. I also can’t say enough how proud I am of every person that I spoke to on my journey in Los Angeles. I hope I have done justice to your stories.Table of Contents
1. Introduction ... 6
2. Theory ... 8
2.1 Joining gangs ... 8 2.2 Gang desistance ... 9 2.3 Model on gang desistance ... 11 Vital Conjunctures ... 12 Group socialization ... 133. Research design and methods ... 16
3.1 Design ... 16 3.2 Operationalization ... 16 3.3 Respondents and fieldwork ... 174. Results – Evaluation of rewardingness & vital conjunctures .... 19
4.1 Joining and full involvement in the gang – Evaluation of rewardingness ... 19 4.2 Questioning rewardingness of the relationship during gang involvement ... 25 4.3 Desistance: Evaluation of the rewardingness of gang involvement ... 29 4.4 Desistance: Vital Conjuncture – Evaluation of futures hoped for or feared ... 375. Conclusion ... 57
1. Introduction
Gangs can be found in most societies around the world and while members also engage in prosocial gang activities, they are usually depicted as brutal groups, associated with senseless violence (Hazen & Rodgers 2014, 1). It is this violence and antisocial behavior that draw the attention of law enforcement and researchers in an effort to understand and to tackle the sources and impact on the communities. Although many scholars do not fully agree on the exact definition of what a gang is, most endorse the Eurogang definition: “A street gang is any durable, street-oriented youth group whose involvement in illegal activity is part of its group identity” (Klein and Maxson 2006, 4). In this thesis, former gang members in Los Angeles, “the gang capital” in the world will be studied. LA represents a “chronic” gang city, where gang violence related issues have been taking place before 1980. The gangs in this city are well developed: they seem to be resilient to prevention and intervention strategies, they have formal organizational structures, and they are intergenerational (Decker & Pyrooz 2011, 3). Gangs in LA are mainly the result of long-term poverty, social discrimination and cultural conflict of ethnic and racial minorities. The destabilizing marginalization African American minorities and immigrants from Latin American has led to a reduced social control and an increased street socialization (Vigil 2014, 49). The presence of the notorious maras in Los Angeles are mainly the result of the migration from primarily Latin American countries. An estimated number of more than 1 million youth are part of a gang in the US. Interestingly, the probability of gang membership is highest at the age of 14 (Pyrooz & Sweeten 2015, 416). While a large body of literature has explored reasons for youth to join gangs, the literature on factors associated with gang desistance has only recently begun to emerge. This delay was mainly due to the myths surrounding the phenomenon: youth would join gangs for life and leaving would be dangerous, even life-threatening (“blood in, blood out”) (Bolden 2012, 218). Still, it has become clear that this is not the case and that for most individuals,gang membership is only temporary. In fact: “the majority of youth are gang-48%; Carson & Vecchio 2015, 257). Violence and crime are integral parts of gang life. Gangs feel that violence is necessary to establish and maintain their reputation as a group that has to be feared (Woo et al. 2015, 141). Violence is also necessary for respect: participation in violence and possessing the power to coerce others is a way of gaining respect. For youth, gang membership can therefore be appealing, since higher status is often associated with earning respect (Woo et al. 2015, 147). While gangs may not be highly structured groups, violent offending, victimization, and drug sales are found even at lower levels of organization of the gang (Decker et al. 2008, 169). The violence and fear gangs inflict on society clearly underscores the necessity of efforts to control the spread of gangs. Understanding individuals who joined and left violent gangs would provide valuable insight into the process of how and why gang desistance can evolve. While the literature on motivations of youth to leave gangs is on the rise, there is still much unknown about the different factors that precede and may contribute to gang desistance. This thesis will aim to gain a better understanding of the process of gang desistance by addressing the following research question: How do different factors contribute to the desistance process for youth in LA gangs? This thesis will try to identify key factors that influence why gang members decide to distance themselves from a social network that was integral to their lives. Identifying the temporal ordering of events preceding desistance may have implications for prevention and intervention programs: practitioners that recognize these critical moments may be better able to pull out the youth from the gang or prevent youth from joining altogether.
2. Theory
This chapter is dedicated to create a better understanding of what gang desistance encompasses. It first gives a concise description of the contexts and reasons of joining gangs, since knowledge of these factors can allow us to draw a broader picture of the factors involved in gang desistance. Subsequently, this chapter will be dedicated to explain gang desistance in more elaborate detail and the various motives associated with leaving the gang. Following this short literature review, a theoretical framework is brought forward as a lens to understand the events preceding gang desistance. This theoretical model is built on the theories of vital conjunctures and group socialization. 2.1 Joining gangs Several characteristics have been associated with an increased risk of youth joining gangs by Thornberry and colleagues (2003). These are location characteristics in which youth live, family socio-demographic factors, parent-child-relations, school factors, individual characteristics and prior delinquent behavior. There is not one single important factor that can fully explain why people decide to become part of a gang. Nevertheless, social psychological processes may explain what could take place when youth decide to become gang members (Woo et al. 2015, 136). The underlying motivations can be explained from social identity theory: behavior is motivated by obtaining or maintaining a well-defined, favorable social identity. Youth joining gangs can thus be explained as them having an unfavorable or an uncertain identity (idem, 137-138). Gangs offer to fill this void for easily susceptible adolescents by giving them a sense of belonging in a peer group, a clear social identity, increased autonomy from parents and a way to improve their social status (idem 138). In particular individuals who feel marginalized over being an ethnic minority, economically disadvantaged, and disadvantaged through geographical location, may experience a weaker identity. Marginalized youth have difficulties being part of their communities, leaving them to struggle to find somewhere theybelong and to construct a meaningful and validated identity (ibid.). Gangs are appealing in that they offer a clear sense of a defined personal and social identity when individuals feel uncertain (idem, 139). Furthermore, the social control theory posits that an individual is more likely to partake in criminal activities and deviant behavior when this person’s bonds to society are weak or broken (Hirschi, 1969). 2.2 Gang desistance While there is not much consensus on what gang desistance exactly encompasses, it is clear that for many, it is a process instead of a clear knifed-off event. Desistance from a gang can be described as the declining probability of gang membership (Pyrooz & Decker 2011, 419). This is consistent with the crime desistance framework from Bushway et al. (2001), where it is described as the reduced propensity to offend. Desistance can therefore conceptually be seen as the last half of the duration of gang membership, the first half consisting of initiating and ramping up to high levels of involvement. The onset and ending can operationally be marked by the identification and de-indentification of gang membership (Pyrooz & Decker 2011, 419). In desistance, de-identification as gang member is thus the event and disengagement from the group in the process. With the literature about gang desistance on the rise, there is an increased understanding of the motivations of why individuals desist from gangs. The process of leaving gangs is however more difficult than joining, which is partially because the gang provides social support and friendship. Gang members will often find a suitable substitute before choosing to desist (Vigil 1988, 109). According to Pyrooz and Decker (2011) motives or subjective reasoning for leaving the gang are organized into push and pull factors. Push factors are characterized by internal cognitive changes about gang life (for example violence fatigue), whereas pull factors are external “hooks” for change that allow the individual to break the “grip of the group” (for example a job). The most commonly reported push factor is disillusionment (reviewed by Carson & Vecchio 2015, 262). Many gang members become disillusioned by how the gang works or think that the
violence has gone too far. Another common factor closely related to disillusionment is the maturational reform experienced by gang members. They feel like they have grown out of the gang lifestyle because they seek a calmer existence and recognize the long-term consequences of their membership. Violence can also generate feelings of disillusionment and growing out of the gang lifestyle. The motivations associated with violence include victimization of themselves, a friend, a family member or a gang fellow, or the fear of victimization (ibid.). Pull factors can take place in the form of encouragement of influential adults (teachers, parents or others) to leave the gang (Carson & Vecchio 2015, 262). Other pull factors that motivate individuals to leave the gang are “turning points” in the life course, which provide an individual “hooks for change”. These can include meaningful employment, children or a meaningful relationship (idem, 263). Romantic relationships have been shown to decrease the involvement in criminal offending. Fatherhood acts as an important turning point for many young men, as a change in responsibilities led to a reorganization of their time and activities (e.g. Moloney et al. 2009, 305). This factor also required individual choice and agency, as individuals usually reported that the wanted to become positive role models for their children. Fatherhood resulted in changes in personal identity and emotional transformations. Nevertheless, while these individuals described their changes often as dramatic, the actual changes in behavior were more gradual and it sometimes took time to actually reorient the individual’s day-to-day practices (ibid.). Other turning points, although less common, are having moved to a new location (neighborhood, city, school) where the former peer gang members are not present (Carson & Vecchio 2015, 263). Both Vigil (1988) and Ebaugh (1988) found that to actually grow awareness of the problems associated with being a gang member, individuals usually needed a succession of turning points. An accumulation of events seems to precede the decision to leave and a gradual desistance from the group takes place (Vigil 1988, 109). Vigil’s findings are consistent with Ebaugh’s theory (1988), claiming that these multiple life-turning events serve as a catalyst for leaving a group by amplifying
and considers the costs and benefits of a transition. A turning point can also be a single event after which a gang member abruptly leaves, such as violent threats against themselves or their family members’ lives. The very violence that can strengthen the bonds of members within a gang seems to have an upper limit, and after it is exceeded, this violence appears to motivate individuals to leave (Decker and Lauritsen 2002, 61). Therefore, similar to that gang socialization can be viewed as a process rather than an event in which different elements can play a role to influence the outcome (Rodgers 2013, 8), gang resocialization (desistance) can also be a process. These different elements, ranging from the individual to the contextual, can intertwine to affect the desistance process. It is thus very likely that the progression evolves over time instead of taking place overnight. Therefore, instead of merely examining the motives for a gang member to leave and focus on this motive as a turning point, I aim to understand the different factors that may have contributed to this likely gradual process of desistance. A variety of events taking place over time may contribute to the eventual decision to leave the gang and these moments can create doubt in the minds of gang members. This thesis will thus explore how different factors intertwine for gang members to shape their desistance. Understanding these factors and mechanisms that influence gang membership trajectories has large implications for practitioners and policy makers working on gang prevention or intervention. Diverting the developmental trajectories and reducing the duration of gang membership can lead to lower offending rates and victimization, as well as the costs of incarceration, rehabilitation, re-entry and health care. 2.3 Model on gang desistance In this thesis, I propose a model of the gang desistance process that is based on (1) vital conjunctures and (2) group socialization dynamics. These two central concepts will be elaborated on in the following section.
Vital Conjunctures To explain the process of gang desistance, researchers have generally used the developmental life course theory (Dong et al. 2015, 78), as this theory provides a way to view how lives are socially organized (see chapter 2.2 Gang desistance). This theory is based on the notion that individuals follow social pathways – trajectories - constructed in relation to their own agency, but constrained by structure. (Mortimer & Shanahan 2003, 3). These trajectories can be marked by certain turning points, which involve a substantial change in life trajectories. (Mortimer & Shanahan 2003, 8). These turning points can be abrupt radical turnarounds or changes in life trajectory that separate past from future, but usually these moments are considered to be part of a process over time (Sampson & Laub 1993, 8). Turning points are for example getting married or becoming a parent, or in the case of desistance, experiencing violent victimization can serve as a turning point for leaving a gang. Turning points usually involve changes in status or identity and can open up opportunities for behavioral changes (Sampson & Laub 1993, 8). Nevertheless, while the life course perspective is most influential and used to date to investigate why people continue criminal and other problem behaviors and why they desist from it (Sampson and Laub 2003, 300), its usefulness is limited in the sense that “most vital life events are rarely coherent, clear in direction, or fixed in outcome” (Johnson-Hanks 2002, 865). This indeterminacy should be recognized when studying any vital life event, including gang desistance. Youth joining gangs have revealed that their decision to join the gang was a time hugely likely “contested, fraught with uncertainty, innovation, and ambivalence” (Rodgers 2013, 22). The same could then apply to gang members who desist: their decision to leave the gang is likely “contested, fraught with uncertainty, innovation, and ambivalence”. Different circumstances may have led to a different outcome, so rather than the inevitable and definite stage of desistance, this process has extreme variability, making the developmental life course theory less suitable to study this process. Rodgers claims that “ultimately, desistance has to be seen as a dynamic, variable, and plural process, often entailing both abrupt events and gradual
distancing, that can have different consequences for different individuals (...)” (Rodgers 2014, 4). Therefore, this thesis will use the vital conjunctures theory from Johnson- Hanks (2002) will be to analyze the process of gang desistance. She argues for a model “based in aspiration rather than event”, where the relevant frame is the contingent and anticipated future (Johnson- Hanks 2002, 871). She claims that all major life events, such as marriage, career change or migration can be construed as “vital conjunctures”: socially structured zones of potential transformation in a person’s life. When these events take place, a critical duration of uncertainty follows where the future at stake is significant, as well as the future identity of a person is contested (ibid.). A context opens up in which future orientation takes place and these potential futures motivate a person’s behavior (Johnson- Hanks 2002, 872). Therefore, the vital conjunctures are navigated in reference to a person’s aspirations: what future does the individual hope for or fear? (ibid.) Whereas events are conceptually instantaneous and can open up a vital conjuncture, these conjunctures have duration and can have various outcomes over time (ibid.). In this sense, gang membership can thus be seen as a fluid status. Group socialization In the group socialization model of Moreland and Levine (1982, 1994), the relationship between the group and an individual is assumed to change over time, in which both the group and the individual are agents that actively exert social influence (Levine & Moreland 1994, 305). Their model conceptualizes the temporal change and reciprocal influence that characterizes the relationship between both parties. It clarifies the affective, cognitive and behavioral changes that are the result of the relationship between the group and the individual (idem, 306). Three psychological processes would underlie group socialization, namely evaluation, commitment and role transition (idem, 307). Evaluation involves the assessment and maximization of the rewardingness of the relationship for both parties. An individual goes through this process to
determine to what extent the group satisfies his personal needs (idem, 308). This evaluation will then produce feelings of commitment to the group. Two perspectives are relevant in understanding commitment. First, the social exchange theory of commitment encompasses that the individual will assess how rewarding the relationship was in the past, how rewarding it is in the current situation and how rewarding it will be in the future. In addition, the individual also may assess the past, current and future rewardingness of their alternative relationships. Combined, these six evaluations will determine the individual’s feelings of commitment (idem, 308, 311-312). This theory suggests that commitment changes over time due to reasons as “accumulation of memories about past relationships, ongoing developments in current relationships and altered expectations about future relationships” (idem, 312). A second theory that is relevant in understanding commitment, is the identity theory of commitment. This theory is based on the idea that people internalize social roles as identities (ibid.). Commitment to their identity depends on the value, number and intensity of the relationships that they would loose if they would not play their social roles (idem, 312-313). Increased damage associated with losing these relationships can make a person become more committed to his identity as a group member (idem, 313). Commitment can have large consequences on behavior: strong feelings of commitment will make a person more likely to “accept the group’s goals and values, feel positive affect toward group members, work hard to fulfill group expectations and attain group goals, and seek to gain or maintain membership in the group.” (idem, 308). An individual’s commitment levels are dynamic however, and with changes in commitment, the nature of the relationship with the group also changes (idem, 309). The changes in the relationship between an individual and a group can be described by different phases of group socialization and role transitions (ibid.). During the phase of resocialization, the commitment of the person can reach its personal exit criteria and he or she can decide to leave the group. Thus, a role transition takes place and the individual becomes an ex-member (idem, 310).
changes can also influence the time spent in a group (idem, 311). During the final stage, the stage of remembrance, the person reminisces about their memories about the group’s contributions to his or her personal needs and makes sense of his or her departure (ibid.). Shortly, the commitment of an individual to a group depends on the beliefs about rewardingness and values of the relationships. If these beliefs and the commitment of an individual reach a personal exit criterion, the individual leaves the group. This process of resocialization likely also takes place during the desistance process from violent gangs. In this thesis, I will investigate the role of the evaluation of rewardingness of the gang life and the subsequent changes in commitment levels that lead to the role transition from a gang member to an ex-gang member. In sum, this thesis will aim to understand the process of desistance by using the theories of vital conjunctures (Johnson-Hanks 2002) and group socialization dynamics (Moreland & Levine 1982, 1994). The dynamics of the events and social and psychological processes preceding gang desistance are still largely unclear. I argue for a theoretical framework to analyze the process of gang desistance based in evaluations of their past, present and future lives: the rewardingness of their past and present relationships with the gang and other social institutions, and their aspirations and futures they hope for and fear. These evaluations then decide their level of commitment to the gang or others. I will argue that a combination of both models, as they are both based in evaluation of an individual's situation, will offer a better lens through which the process of gang desistance can be understood. Therefore, the sub questions that will be addressed in this thesis will be: - How does the evaluation of rewardingness of the relationship with the gang or others impact the desistance process? - How does the vital conjuncture of desistance unfold and how is it navigated?
3. Research design and methods
3.1 Design Stories from former gang members were collected through face-to-face qualitative in-depth interviews. A semi-structured interview setup was used to allow subjects to speak freely about their experiences, while also touching upon a list of topics during the interviews to get a comprehensive story that can be compared with other stories. To understand how the various factors may have led to their desistance and gain a complete picture from their time from joining to leaving, questions were asked about their motives for joining and the context under which this took place, their level of involvement in the gang, and the developments that occurred in their personal lives and in the gang leading up to their desistance. 3.2 Operationalization The desistance stories will be used to identify significant moments that have likely contributed to their desistance. These moments can be crucial in themselves or there may be a need for accumulation of events to make gang members desist. To understand how this process played out, the following list of questions and topics to discuss was followed during the interviews: - Can you tell me about when you joined the gang? Topics: - Approximate age of joining - Life context socially - Why did you join? - How much of a personal decision was it to join? - How much of a result of your environment was it when you joined? - How was your life when you were part of the gang? Topics: - How did you feel about being a gang member? - How did you identify yourself as a gang member? -- How much was your gang membership part of your identity? - During your time as gang member, can you tell me about moments, both small and big that made you consider that this gang lifestyle suited you/was good for you? - Can you tell me about moments, both small and big that made you question your membership or involvement, but still didn’t make you decide to leave? - What made you eventually leave the gang? - Hopes and fears - How did you leave? - Process of leaving - How is your life now? - Are there any consequences to leaving? - Ties to gang/peers still involved - Partake in gang activity or criminal activity, small and big, violent and non-violent - Family situation, education, work - What could have made you leave in an earlier stage? - What could have made you not join the gang altogether? By asking these questions, I have obtained their stories and where necessary, I have asked for elaborations on their experiences, beliefs, feelings, reasons for their behavior and the developments in this. Through their stories, I reconstruct the relationship with the theoretical concepts described in the previous chapter (Chapter 2. Theory). 3.3 Respondents and fieldwork Seven former gang members were interviewed in Los Angeles between April and May 2017. This fieldwork was conducted in Los Angeles (United States) as it is the “gang capital of the world” and represents a “chronic” gang city, where gang violence related issues have been taking place before 1980. The gangs in this city are well developed: they seem to be resilient to prevention and intervention strategies; they have formal organizational structures; and they are intergenerational (Decker
& Pyrooz 2011, 3). The sample in this thesis was obtained through opportunity sampling: several people were approached through organizations (Homies Unidos) and during a Community Safety Conference in Los Angeles. All interviewees were of Latino American decent. The interviews took place in a private space within the office of their organization or at a University campus. All were male and the age of the youngest person was 23 years old and the oldest 38 years old. All have been incarcerated at least once and the time spent out of prison ranges from 5 months to multiple years. One individual joined a prison gang and was not part of a gang outside of prison. With one individual the interview could not be finished and the only questions asked were about the first part of gang involvement (joining). 3.4 Ethical statement Participation in the study was voluntary and the participants were informed that they could withdraw from the study at any time. Participants also provided verbal consent to be recorded and quoted. The anonymity of all interviewees are kept and are only known to the principal researcher, unless they have agreed that their original first name could be used.
4. Results – Evaluation of rewardingness & vital
conjunctures
In this chapter, the stories of the interviewees will be analyzed first through the theoretical lens of the group socialization theory, in specific the evaluation of rewardingness and the feelings of commitment that it evokes (chapters 4.1-4.3). This analysis will start with their first association with the gang in and their full involvement in chapter 4.1, because understanding how gang association was rewarding during the initial phase of involvement will allow us to have a more complete picture of how this evaluation and commitment may have changed over time, until they decided to leave. Then, in chapter 4.2 I will try to understand how the interviewees questioned the rewardingness of their involvement, but not enough to make them leave, and eventually in chapter 4.3 I will try to understand how the evaluation of rewardingness of their ties to the gang or other social institutions, such as family or jobs, influenced them to distance themselves from the gang. Here, I will also answer sub question one: How does the evaluation of rewardingness of the relationship with the gang or others impact the desistance process? Following this, in chapter 4.4 their stories will be analyzed through the vital conjuncture theory, in which the relevant frame is the contingent and anticipated future. Through this lens, the time surrounding their desistance is viewed as a zone of possibility and uncertainty. I will try to understand how they navigate this time in relation to the future that they visualize and also answer sub question two: How does the vital conjuncture of desistance unfold and how is it navigated? 4.1 Joining and full involvement in the gang – Evaluation of rewardingness In this section, I will use the group socialization theory of Moreland & Levine (1982) to analyze the involvement of the individuals in the gang. I will try to understand the different factors that influence their involvement from the beginning to the end of the relationship (from entry to exit). First, I will discuss how an evaluation of the rewardingness of the relationship with the group or with others made them want tojoin the gang. Subsequently, I will examine the factors that strengthened the feeling of commitment to their gang during their involvement. Interestingly, for three individuals, a dysfunctional family (parents have a drug and/or alcohol addiction, are abusive or in the process of divorce) drove them to look for a substitute for a family, a place to fit in and get the attention and comfort they were craving as children. It was easily found in their neighborhood gangs: “My parents were intoxicated so many years [drugs and alcohol] that their choices affected me, their choices that they got stuck on drugs, I hated that, so I left, I went to the streets. I wanted to look for a family. So my homeboys give me a family.”(Noel, interview, Los Angeles, 25/4/2017) “Our family started dysfunctioning, (...) there wasn’t much discipline at home so it led me to just [be] around my own. (...) In the beginning, I was proud and excited [after being initiated into the gang], even at 9 years old. (...) Because my friends were already drawn in, and I was just going along with them and we were all going to his [main leader from the street gang] house and be part of the circle and be part of the community that he had, that involved me. That was like my home, where I had felt like family, that I was getting attention from, the peers, because of the people, they noticed that I was young and they wouldn’t look down on me and be like ‘wow look at this little youngster out here hanging out with us’ so that gave me the attention that I didn’t have at home.” (Joe, interview, Los Angeles, 3/5/2017) “I used to hang out with all these guys [gang members in alleys] and I would talk to them, I guess looking back, to me it felt really good to have a conversation with an adult. [At home or school] I was talked at, not talked with. And when I was talking to them, I was talked with. (...) That day I lost both my parents [after father passed away and his mother left him with grandparents]. That’s when the gang truly made itself apparent to me, and I was by myself, with my pain, my resentment, my anger, my sorrows, now I understood it. A lot of my friends who were the same age were already kind of filtering in and we all had that common bond, which was the pain, the misunderstandings, broken homes, whatever and that is when I think I truly and wholeheartedly embraced the gang. Because it gave me the comfort that I didn’t have. It was temporarily, it was conditional, but it gave me something that I didn’t have. (...)[In prison] there’s two sets of rules to follow, the rules
of the prison and the rules of the gang. I’m more afraid of what my friends are going to say about me than getting shot [by the guards during prison fights] or me getting stabbed and hurt. Where was I going to go? I had attached all my love, all my loyalty that I would have for a family to them. For them to be angry at me is like my father or my mother being angry at me, and I don’t want that. That’s how warped in the sense of person in the gang I had become. Two to three years into my sentence, my grandparents [his caregivers] had died, so in my understanding, I had nothing. So when I went in there, this was my family. So the gang was so perverse and deep rooted, that I didn’t give a fuck about death, about being maimed, about anything, other than how they viewed me, so that was what I lived since I was 17, 18, 20, 21, all the way to 30.” (Jose, interview, Los Angeles, 21/4/2017) Even as children as young as eight or nine years old, they seem to be looking for respect, to be talked with instead of talked at, and not being looked down on. This positive attention seems to lack in the dysfunctional families that they were growing up in and this basic need seems to be fulfilled by the gang, making these guys committed to them as a replacement for a family. The fact that their friends are involved as well makes the step to join easier and with the importance of friends increasing as they reach young adolescence, their commitment to the gang becomes stronger. Two other respondents described how them joining the gang was a given, because of their own family ties with the gang. In contrast to the previous three interviewees, another person (Sam) did not search for a substitution for a family. Sam instead describes how he grew up in a gang-infested neighborhood and how he was part of the same circles since he was a young child. His family members and friends he looked up to were also part of a gang and him joining seemed to be “kind of a given”, something “he was supposed to do as a man” when he would come of age. Him joining was just a rite of passage. Furthermore, he was labeled as part of that gang before officially joining even by forms of authority, such as the police and teachers. Likewise, Larry’s family and all his family friends were gang-involved and he stated that it was very normal for him to be part of a gang, it was something that was just going to happen eventually: “they already had names picked out for me”.
His mother was and still is a gang member to this day. Larry did not look for a replacement for a family, but for the affection of his own gang-involved family instead. He described how his fear of not being loved by his family drove him to committing crimes and being accepted by his family: “It (fear) drove me in any door, and it drove me to committing crimes (...). It was the fear of not being loved by my family because my mother and my stepdad valued the neighborhood friends more than they valued anything in life (...) So in my mind I thought like ‘okay if I’m not like them, then she ain’t gonna love me like she don’t love my family’. It’s just the fear of losing that touch.” (Larry, interview, Los Angeles, 24/4/2017) For Sam, the feeling of hopelessness was ultimately the underlying reason for him to want to join: the hopelessness that he felt by the combination of different experiences growing up – some of his own family members had been killed by gang violence - empowered him to join the gang. He also recalls how he felt during his childhood in 3-4th grade, when he temporarily went to another school with more resources, in a nicer neighborhood. He described how this experience had an effect on his commitment to his original gang-infested neighborhood and thereby, his gang: “The kids themselves draw lines, and I remember that was the first time, you know 3-4th grade, where I started to see ‘oh there’s classes, I’m different’. Now I have this understanding, there’s another class, another type that’s not us. And again going back to this whole hopelessness, and empowerment, all mashed into one, is that ‘okay if I'm the other one, I’m going to form the other, make a stronger other, me and my friends’.” (Sam, interview, Los Angeles, 18/4/2017) He felt a strong divide in classes and this marginalization made him feel hopeless and empowered him to feel a stronger commitment to his own “class”. The emotional impact of being in a disadvantaged position and marginalized have led him to want to construct a meaningful “stronger other” identity. Another individual,
loving upbringing by his mother and that he joined because he wanted to “be cool and fit in”. His feelings of commitment to the gang increased when a close friend got hurt because of the gang violence, and it made him feel like it was his obligation to get revenge. This strong emotional response due to the hurting of a close friend strengthened his commitment to join and being involved in gang-related criminal activities: “Maybe like before I went in, my friend used to get shot, I used to like (think) it was my obligation to just get back and get the guys that shot him. Trying to get revenge, this is my friend, I used to hang out with him everyday, not even for the gang but for me, for him and I got to go back for revenge. But in reality, it was really for the gang, because he would have never got shot if it wasn’t for the gang.” (Jason, interview, Los Angeles, 18/4/2017) The previous instances describe how joining a gang fulfilled a personal need for the men, which included the replacement of a family’s affection or the affection of their own family, being cool and fitting in with their friends, and creating a stronger identity due to experiencing marginalization. In all these instances, it seems to boil down to having a place to belong, feel valued and respected. Their involvement with the gang is rewarding to them, because it fulfills these basic personal needs and this feeling moved them towards a strong commitment to their gang. During their involvement in the gang however, some individuals describe certain circumstances that would strengthen their commitment to the gang. These can also be traced back to the reasons for them joining in the first place, to how the gang involvement fulfilled their personal needs, which included the need for family and feeling valued and respected. One such event was the aftermath of violence taking place, where the gang members help each other out. They thereby show their commitment to each other and the gang in dangerous situations, like the protection of a family. Even though this protection and love is conditional and violent at times, Jose describes that it was better than having nothing:
“In my mind I was so fucking scared. I was 15, in my mind I was like ‘am I going to die here? Is this really worth everything?’ [That] was a small moment, but that saving me [by gang-involved friends] nullified it, because now it was like ‘nobody is messing with me. I wasn’t alone, there are 30 guys to be there with me and now they're going to help me. We fight, yes we’re still going to get beat up, but there's someone there with me, someone who is going to protect me, someone who is going to be there for me, as opposed to having nothing’.” (Jose, interview, Los Angeles, 21/4/2017) Also, when Jose was imprisoned for the first time, he saw his friends in jail and he describes how this experience made him institutionalized and even more committed to his gang. Being in jail, where you are forced to become part of a gang, is where it “really turns” for him. The social environment and the fact that his friends were there as well, made jail “not so bad” and he describes that after he got out of prison, because of his experience there, he became extremely commitment to the gang: “I went to jail and this is where it really turns for someone. When you're on the street, you can pretty much dab around it, but once you go to jail, where gangs are all in there, you're forced. That was the thing that really messed me up. Once that first fear subsided, I thought ‘it’s not so bad’, and then I saw my friend who I knew from out there, like that made jail okay. It still was scary it still was bad, but now it wasn’t a threat anymore, it wasn’t something scary anymore. That moment was when I became institutionalized. And once I came out of there, I had so many issues already, but the only thing that I did agree upon was my attachment to the gang. My gang was my friends, my family. Once that happened, there was nothing that could be done. I wasn’t hearing people anymore, if you weren’t in that scope [his gang], I wouldn’t hear you. You weren’t getting through to me.” (Jose, interview, Los Angeles, 21/4/2017) Furthermore, for Noel, becoming a father made him more committed to his gang. Interestingly, his words “thinking that would have changed me” indicate that he knew there was directionality as a result of this event: he knew he could have changed and become less involved after becoming a father, but he instead chose to
to be viewed as a respectable role model by his son, and respect is one of the reasons why many individuals initially join a gang: “Thinking having kids at a young age, thinking that would have changed me, but it got me worse. I said like (...) I'm go leave a legacy now, I'm going to show my kid that I'm gangster, more gangster than the gangsters.” (Noel, interview, Los Angeles, 25/4/2017) In sum, the main reasons for these individuals to join the gangs are to have a family and a place to belong and feel valued, cool and respected. These personal needs are fulfilled by involvement in the gang, so these individuals become committed to joining the gang. During their involvement in the gang, the events where these personal needs are fulfilled in a strong way (having a social circle to rely on for protection, respect) will then strengthen their commitment to the gang even more. 4.2 Questioning rewardingness of the relationship during gang involvement During their time in the gang, individuals can start to question their involvement in it. Various situations can trigger this and make them evaluate the rewardingness of their relationship with the gang. These moments described below seem to not be enough for them to actually desist however, but identifying these moments can give us insight into what circumstances may contribute to stronger negative feelings towards involvement and increased willingness to detach from the gang.
Worth it or part of it? A recurring theme that can be observed from the stories of the interviewees is that during their active time in the gang, the instances that made them question their gang membership, were usually violent situations or the threat of violence. During or after the violent event (almost or actually getting shot at, being beaten up), they would question how much their involvement is worth. Interestingly, multiple individuals explained that following the violent event and questioning about how
much its worth, they would have the realization that the violence was “part of it” and have to accept it: [Following being beat up by other gang and threat of getting shot and killed] “I’m sitting there on the ground just questioning all of it, like ‘is this worth it?’ But because you're so engulfed in this life style, that just kind of just crosses your mind. There’s also the thought of ‘this is what it is, this is a part of it’.” (Sam, interview, Los Angeles, 18/4/2017) “When people started getting shot, stabbed. Maybe (also) the moments where I almost got killed when I was coming out of my home, riding my bike, someone was waiting for me, outside of my home and just started pulling the trigger at me, chased me for like a few houses down, like four feet away from me, pulling the trigger and no bullets were fired. The gun jammed and I was luckily saved and he was trying real hard to make the gun work and it didn’t happen. (...) That made me question (whether) what I was doing was going to let me live long”. This happened “a lot of times, and I would question it, but at the same time I was like ‘it’s part of it’.” (Joe, interview, Los Angeles, 3/5/2017) “I had many moments but they weren’t enough to tell me that this was.. (not good for me). There were times where I would think ‘this is it? This is what? I’m going to be that person that dies here for this? Is this really worth everything? ” (Jose, interview, Los Angeles, 21/4/2017) These individuals describe how they would question whether their relationship with the gang was worth the consequences (being beat up, risk of dying). Still, because they have been taught from a young age that this is all part of the lifestyle they have chosen, they have been taught to accept it. They have internalized the norms, values and attitudes of the gang, where violence is normalized and it is socially acceptable to go to prison or die a violent death for the gang. Since these young men still greatly value the other aspects the gang offers - a place to belong and feel recognized - they accept the violence that comes with their gang membership. The way the violent event is treated by fellow gang members, thus also affects their ideas on the gang lifestyle and what is considered normal. After being
shot at 17 years old, Sam stated that he had a few questions to himself internally, but he did not voice this to anyone of his friends or the circle “because then that would be deemed as a sign of being weak.” This same person described how the violent event is treated as a badge of honor: “Going back to this whole male façade of being tough, a gangster, cool I can own this, it’s nothing. Then that’s also reinforced when you go back to the neighborhood and you tell people ‘this is what happened, and I still stood up and I still said my name and I still said the name of the gang’ and then you get these pats on the back for having densed up.” (Sam, interview, Los Angeles, 18/4/2017) Similar to the men that describe how the violence is accepted as part of their reality, Jose accepted his reality is prison where gangs are forced upon them. Even though he had questioned his relationship with the gang to an extent that he stopped participating and behaving as a gangster, him having a life sentence in prison, did not allow for a complete detachment from the gang: “There were numerous incidences (...) in prison that I started to like [question it], but then I’m thinking ‘I’m here, I’m in prison, where am I going to go, home? No, I’m here’. That glossed over it, every time, because of my reality. It wasn’t until I came out [of prison], I’m not going to say it was up to my release that I was a gang, because I had stopped, I had stopped participating, I had stopped behaving [as a gangster], but I was still technically involved, because where am I going to go? [I thought] ‘It’s kind of messed up to die here, in prison’. And the people that were dying there, made me doubt it in a certain way. But it still wasn’t enough for me to detach fully because in theory everything but the fact that I was there made it difficult. But I’m here, so it’s like what other option did I have, other than that?” (Jose, interview, Los Angeles, 21/4/2017) In these violent moments the rewardingness of the relationship is questioned, because while it is made clear from the beginning that gang membership is “do or die” – you either die or end up in prison for the gang - they are not willing to make this ultimate sacrifice that is expected from them. This feeling becomes stronger
when they have “already done time” (in prison) for the gang, they are not willing to spend more time or even a life sentence in prison or die for that cause. Moreover, non-violent factors can also make them question their involvement. For example, when someone is being arrested and sent to prison, not just the prospect of time in jail, but also them seeing how they hurt their mothers, usually triggers a moment where they question their involvement. Ironically however, when they are in this environment in jail with other kids that are similar to them, or even their own friends, this social environment can then normalize the fact that they are there and make them think that going to jail is also part of it: “So it kind of just comes into question and again (...) I mean the different times I went to juvenile hall, I would question it, you know I’m sitting there in the back of the patrol car and I’m like (...) ‘here we go again, my mom’s crying’, or you’d stop and think ‘is this what I should be doing?’ But then they ship you into the juvenile hall and you're surrounded by a ton of other kids that are just as lost so you’re like ‘oh okay yeah this is who I am, this is what I’m supposed to be doing’. It’s sad but it is what it is.” (Sam, interview, Los Angeles, 18/4/2017) “I went to jail and this is where it really turns for someone. When you're on the street, you can pretty much dab around it, but once you go to jail, where gangs are all in there, you're forced. That was the thing that really messed me up. Once they put me in the cells, I was claustrophobic, but once that first fear subsided, I thought it’s not so bad, and then I see my friend who I knew from out there, he was in there too because he got arrested for something else. That made jail okay. It still was scary it still was bad, but now it wasn’t a threat anymore, it wasn’t something scary anymore, that moment was when I became institutionalized.” (Jose, interview, Los Angeles, 21/4/2017) Another non-violent factor that can influence their thoughts on the rewardingness of the involvement, is being given the opportunity to get out of prison. Having the opportunity to be removed from the social environment that is dominated by gangs and their activities, would allow a person to completely detach from the gang:
“Maybe a year before I was released, until those laws started to pass, which gave those type of individuals like myself the opportunity for meaningful parole. Now something that was outlandish (...) was becoming a reality from one day to the next. And I don’t know if it was really like impactful like that, but I know it started to plant a seed.” (Jose, interview, Los Angeles, 21/4/2017) Moreover, the risk of getting back to prison due to their behavior and ties to their peers who are still gang-involved, makes a person question his association with them. Interestingly, even the social ties, the feelings of belonging that were so greatly valued initially, seem to be too risky when they could go back to prison and have to give up their freedom for the gang: “When I got pulled over with my friend and he had a gun, we got away. After that I thought to myself ‘what am I doing here? I’m so much better than this, I’m putting myself at risk again when he could have simply said it wasn’t his and they’re going to take me in and they're going to put me for it.’ I had doubts then and there, like ‘what am I doing, why am I here?’” (Jason, interview, Los Angeles, 18/4/2017) In short, there are violent and non-violent factors that can make gang members question their association with the gang. The moments where they experience violence and/or the risk of dying make them uncertain about whether they should continue their lifestyle. In addition, non-violent factors such as (risking) being sent to prison and giving up their freedom also make them debate their choice. However, these doubts quickly disappear as they realize that the violence it is part of the lifestyle. This can then also be reinforced by being surrounded by their peers and friends in prison, creating a social environment that they know. 4.3 Desistance: Evaluation of the rewardingness of gang involvement Leaving a gang is a process that can be complex and take a lot of time. For this detachment, a change in affective, cognitive and behavioral aspects is likely needed. An individual can evaluate the past, current and future relationship with the gang
and the alternative relationships. Commitment can thus change over time due to reasons as “accumulation of memories about past relationships, ongoing developments in current relationships and altered expectations about future relationships” (Moreland & Levine, 192). For two men, biological family seems to be a reason to have changed their behavior, get out of prison and detach from gang involvement or association completely. Instead of giving their lives for the gang and/or spending their lives in prison, they wanted to be there for their family: “[It was] based on, I'm tired doing time and the only ones that really looked out (for me) were my loved ones, my family. At the end of every chapter, it was just not right what I was doing, it was right in my environment and my mind, but it’s not really right, because there’s bad consequences to it and I just got tired of the consequences. And now I have to deal with immigration and with parole, those are the situations that I put upon myself. I learned at a young age that I knew what was right and what was wrong, but I chose not to [do the right thing], and that’s what I have to pay for right now. I got an 18 year old and an 11 year old, my mom got sick, my oldest kid got sick, (...) he went through a radiation stage and he had some stages of bad thoughts. I was very selfish for many years, that’s what changed me, not being selfish, and being in a situation where I can get deported and get killed and not seeing my kids ever again, and my loved ones, my parents too.” (Noel, interview, Los Angeles, 25/4/2017) Likewise, for Joe, the doubts emerged when he became concerned about his mother’s situation. He reassessed his position, whether he would want to spend more time in jail or get out of prison and be there for her: “After I was coming out of the solitary confinement (...) so when they were adding on time, and I was already getting ready for my next mission and my next mission would be like something that would probably cause me a lot of years in prison, and I just thought about it. And I was on the cell phone with like my family and I would talk to them ‘how are you guys doing’ and they would say like ‘mom just got out of the hospital’ or ‘she just got out of jail’ (...) and I'm like ‘oh my mother, she's struggling, she's having problems’, that’s
what started making me think like ‘what if I was out there, would I be able to support them and help them so they don't have to be in those kinds of issues, I should just try to get out and be there for my family’ and that’s when I started questioning whether I should continue being involved with this gang, give my whole life to them and maybe end up in prison for the rest of my life, never have a chance ever again to support my family or to give them something, like a hand or be there for them in any way. Would I want that, my freedom and to be able to do that for them or to stay in prison and think that I'm going to earn something out of being something for them. That’s when I started questioning myself.” (Joe, interview, Los Angeles, 3/5/2017) The rewardingness of relationships with biological family seems to increase, while the rewardingness of the ties to the gang seem to decrease as a result of the prison sentences they have to deal with. The personal needs that the gang initially fulfilled (a place to belong and feel valued) may not have changed, but they seem to have a different direction: instead of the salience of peer associations during adolescence, they seem to value their biological family more, likely as a result of maturation. Giving up their freedom and not being able to be there for their family is not worth the association with the gang. Thus, their commitment to the gang decreases as they review the negative consequences of past, present and future involvement with the gang – being in prison and/or risking a longer sentence - they seem to anticipate a higher rewardingness from their increased future association with their family. Moreover, losing family members is another element that can trigger an individual to re-evaluate their situation. In the case of both Jason and Lex, this occurred in prison, similar to Joe and Noel described above. Jason had served five years in prison and during his sentence, his grandfather passed away. The emotional impact his grandfather’s death had on him and in specific him not being out there to be there for his grandfather’s funeral and services, made him reflect on his life. He re-evaluated the rewardingness of his life style and decided that it was not worth the hurt that it caused him:
“So five years in [prison], lost my brother, my mom is hurting, then I lose my grandpa, which is like my father figure. That right there just put me in a depression (...). Right then and there I was like ‘wow I’m in prison and I’m not doing anything to get out, like I could have possibly made the funeral, I could have went to the services, but I’m over here getting in trouble’, so right then and there I was like ‘I need to stop messing around and I need to get out of prison’. It took some time, but I ended up staying away from the cellphones, and the weed, which was hard.” [After release] “I was on a rampage to just party. I felt like I missed the most important part of my life, which was 17-25, my 18th, my 21st, I didn’t graduate, I wasn’t able to go to a bar on my 21st. I’m out for about 14 months now and it took me about 6 months to really get the hint and wake up (...) and stop thinking like a kid, because obviously a grown person has responsibilities, a job, things to do and cares for and I was careless. Right then and there I changed my way of thinking. (...) I was tired of the partying, my body was telling me that’s it, there were a few times that I would think ‘where am I going to be in five years? I want to have a house, my own stuff, I want people to be like ‘oh wow he was in prison came out and look at him’, I want people to just change their thinking of me. Not just ‘oh look at him, just partying all the time’”. (Jason, interview, Los Angeles, 18/4/2017) He slowly changed his behavior in prison to get out, but even after he got out, it took him time to realize that he wanted to change his lifestyle. During this time, he also distanced himself from his peers who were involved in the gang. His commitment to the gang decreased as he realized that association with the gang would not help him in getting what he want in the future. He seems to have an increased sense of value on building his future - having a job and a house. He describes instances where slowly had the realization that he needed to change his lifestyle and distance himself from the gang as follows: “ (...) When my cousin got shot. I was like ‘wow this could have happened to me’. I was like ‘what for? What’s the reason? I’m willing to risk my life for a gang? I already did time for the gang, now I’m still here and I’m going to put myself at jeopardy and risk?’ I think a few moments like that, if it’s fighting, getting pulled over [by police] and me being at the wrong place, wrong time, I always thought like that I’m not going benefit anything from that.” (Jason,
Jason claims that these instances served as “a wake up call that I was playing with fire”. He risked getting back to jail for life, since he was on parole and he was not willing to sacrifice his freedom or his life for the gang. He would not benefit anything from his ties to the gang, so at this point, the gang was more damaging to his life than it did fulfill any personal needs (which was “being cool and fitting in” for this person). He decided that he “did not care anymore what other’s thought of me” and anticipated a more rewarding future by distancing himself from the gang and seeking other relations in the form of a job. Similar to Jason, Lex - who joined a prison gang during imprisonment - describes his reasons for wanting to get out and to change his behavior as the result of losing multiple family members. The emotional impact it had on him and his feelings of loneliness made him reflective on his present situation. When he then also reflected on what his future would be like, he knew that the behavior that sends him to prison would not get him the future he wanted. Therefore, his behavior and continued imprisonment and involvement in the prison gang was would not be rewarding for him as it did not help him to build the future he wanted and thus, he decided to distance himself from it: “Losing people I think is one of the changes. I didn’t have many people to start off with and now I'm getting people that are getting killed, people killing themselves, and then I got people dying on me, it’s pretty lonely sometimes. So that right there, it’s not good for somebody, if you lose the little bit you got, it’s crazy. (...) The stuff with my family that I was going through and I seen some other stuff that was like somebody with a family, somebody with kids, if you start thinking about the stuff that you want for the future, you know that the behavior that sends you to prison is not the best. I want to buy my own house, that’s why I’m going to school and doing all this that I’m doing, my mom being my auntie, I want to buy her a house, I want to have a family, I want a baby girl, I want a little girl, I want a boy. Those pro’s, those good things will not be there if I keep fucking up and if I go to prison. That’s when my grandma died. I was like ‘alright it’s time to be the man that she raised and stop being a little fucker’.” (Lex, interview, Los Angeles, 20/4/2017)
Likewise, Jose had a life sentence in prison and started questioning his involvement in the gang. His maturation process and his education made him see his situation more clearly. He saw he was not just not benefitting from being involved, but he was actually even “losing a lot”. The rewardingness that he felt previously from being in a gang - belonging to a family - slowly started to decrease when he matured and continued his education in prison. He understood that it (gang activities and involvement) was “fruitless” and started looking at them (the other gang members) differently. Being involved did not make sense anymore, was not rewarding anymore, so he started to distance himself from the activities and association with them: “[It was] everything, I didn’t agree with the stuff we were doing anymore, I didn’t really feel it anymore, I saw what it was fruitless, I had the understanding like, I was not gaining anything, I’m actually losing a lot. In those transitional times, like I started to detach, not because I said no in that sense, but I'll say I got wiser and I started to understand a lot of things. I started to see that the guys telling me what to do were not very bright. (...) Through that learning [education], through that I started to understand a lot of things, looking at them differently, like wait a minute, like this guy is telling me what to do? This guy?’ And where you are thinking about it and it’s like ‘wait a minute. Why am I doing this? This doesn’t compute’, you know?”(Jose, interview, Los Angeles, 21/4/2017) Still, he was in a gang-dominated area, a prison. Because of his environment, he felt like he could not detach completely even though he wanted to. He was not committed to his gang anymore, since had stopped participating and behaving like a gangster. Nevertheless, it wasn’t until he had the chance of leaving prison that he got the chance to really detach from it: a law had passed that gave him the opportunity for meaningful parole. He claims that while he did not know what future would await him, he knew that he did not want a future that was similar to his present situation. Furthermore, having to deal with violence is also a consequence of the gang
lifestyle that can make individuals experience a decreased feeling of rewardingness and thus commitment. This can be seen in the account of Sam, who experienced a life-threatening event. Following this event, he did not immediately leave his gang, because he was taught that violence was part of it and had to be accepted. Still, after this event, he was provided a space for reflection. He claims that “the most influential in changing my trajectory” was this space provided for him by his “mentors” to reflect on his life - the accumulated memories about past and present relationships. He described the most significant events as follows: “October 23, 2009 stands out as a pivotal day that signaled the beginning of the end of a cycle of violence that had infected the fabric of my family for generations.” (Sam, personal statement, 2015, Pacoima) “I was shot in the face. (...) It [being shot] brought to question a lot of things. Throughout that year, I did have these talks with these mentors and things, which I think provided like the framework for it, but that house wasn’t built just yet, until really that day at the park. I was hanging around two boys walking alongside me who were only 13 and 14.” (Sam, interview, Los Angeles, 18/4/2017) “I had no inkling that my ‘moment of clarity’ was about to stare me in the face in the eyes of those boys. Without warning, I experienced an overwhelmingly profound sadness that altered the direction of my life. “ (Sam, personal statement, 2015, Pacoima) “It all just came crashing down on me, everything was weighing heavily, my father was back in prison, my best friend (...) was back in prison (...). So, I’m at the park, I’m not happy with how my life is, being reflective, (...) thinking about life (...). I think like even right before having that epiphany, I felt like I just wanted to break down in tears with where my life was. I turn and I look over at my little homies (...), it all just hit me that that kid’s 12 and he’s 13, they’re who I was, and here I was leading them down that same path and I couldn’t do it anymore, I knew that the only reason those boys were there with me was because I was there. I understood my place in their lives, like it was just too much to carry and I needed to walk away because I was literally breaking down (...). As soon as I got myself a little more composed, I got on
the phone with one of my mentors and I said ‘dude what the fuck do I do, I don’t want this anymore’. (...) They emailed a whole outline of what I needed to do, the steps I needed to take.” (Sam, interview, Los Angeles, 18/4/2017) After he was provided this space for reflection, Sam experienced one strong reflective moment, where he was extremely unhappy with the ongoing developments in his life (his father and friend in prison, “I just wanted to break down in tears with where my life was”). Furthermore, when he looked at those kids, he recognized himself in them, he saw his own past and realized he was leading them down that same path of violence and he “did not want to do it anymore”. He did not want be in his present situation and did not want to go down the same path and face the future that was awaiting him. Moreover, he did not want these kids to go through the same experiences he had to deal with. He thereby reflected on the past, present and future rewardingness of his gang involvement and decided it – this violent lifestyle - was not what he wanted anymore, for him and for those kids. He also describes how challenging his transition was: “And it wasn’t all smooth sailing after that, I went through a ton of different things when I first started going back to school, again me questioning my own identity of what it was what I was doing, this decision that I was making. I was sitting in a classroom and question, like ‘what the fuck am I doing in this classroom? I don’t look like anyone next to me’. (I had) different manners, my entire life experience was different than anyone sitting in the classroom next to me. And at the same time, I would have certain friends who would contact me and say ‘well come meet me over here, don’t go to class’ (...). They would kind of make fun of it, and so then again internally I’m just kind of being torn in all these directions, not only because of what I’m being told from my friends and people around you, but just me, who I was. But I would constantly remind myself of that day at the park, you know when it got really tough ‘this isn’t me, I don’t need to do this shit, I don’t need to be in school, I want to make some money’, I would think what it felt like watching these two kids at the park and that kept me grounded.” (Sam, interview, Los Angeles, 18/4/2017)
