“THERE AREN’T ENOUGH MEN”
the dating practices and experiences of unmarried women
in a demographically and culturally problematic dating
market
By Samuel Verbi
Supervised by Professor Gert Hekma
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ABSTRACT
Unmarried single Christian women are presented with a problem. On the one hand cultural norms from mainstream society and subcultural norms from evangelical theology, strongly prescribe marriage with a Christian man as a major life goal. On the other hand however, with a sex-ratio of 3:2 within the UK Christian church, there statistically aren’t enough men to make this a reality. Through a triangulation of online questionnaires, interviews, and observant participation the subsequent dating behavior and experiences of women in Holy Trinity Brompton is subsequently mapped out. Initial inspection reveals a general lack of official dating and commitment from Christian men, whilst a significant presence of emotional and physical exchange from HTB women. Through a market framework this is interpreted as a symptom of the oversupply of female resources, allowing the cost of intimacy to fall below that of exclusive commitment. Secondly however, rather than capitulate and conform to these norms several forms of adaptation are noted. Here, using culture as a tool kit, HTB women create new narratives and paths of action. Dating the secular other outside of the marriage market; romanticizing their relationship with Jesus; or pursuing individual career and calling, are paths that allow both escape and remedy to the unfavorable marriage market.
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ACKNOWLEDGMENT
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The following study forms something of a project that I have both personally and academically been involved in for a while. It would not have been remotely possible without the help of key groups and individuals.
Firstly and fore-mostly thanks go to my supervisor Professor Gert Hekma at the University of Amsterdam. Over the past year he has proved to be not only a patient and helpful supervisor, but also someone that has been a privilege to get to know more personally. Whether it was in lectures during modules back in 2014, or indeed coffee with fellow thesis writers in his apartment in downtown Amsterdam – I will miss our lively discussions covering a seemingly endless range of topics on gender and sexuality.
On this note thanks also goes to the UVA sociology department as a whole. Ever since I sat down for coffee with Professor Marie-Louise Jansen at Central Station to discuss a masters at UVA, right up to the very last few lectures this year, it has genuinely been a joy and privilege to have completed my masters at UVA. Whilst the going hasn’t always been easy, it is thanks to the understanding and flexibility of the department that I have been able to adapt to a new country and city, as well as a new nuanced understanding of sociology. Specifically on this note the care and support from Student Counselor Marieke van Leeuwen was really lovely.
This project of course would not have been possible if it weren’t for the amazing cooperation of HTB church in general, and key individuals within, as well as my local church St Marks. Thanks therefore goes to the members who not only allowed this study to occur and facilitated its logistics, but also supported and encouraged me to go ahead with it. Whilst for anonymity reasons I have chosen to not name them specifically, I am in debt to your fellowship and help in this area.
Finally thanks goes to my immediate and extended family. Not only have they endured several months of me shoehorning in Christian dating discussions into most family meals, but have also been a great source of encouragement and emotional support. Particular mention has to go to my sister on this note - who managed to withhold legitimate anger when I asked her to proof read a section on ‘the plight of Christian women and the lack of Christian men’…. on valentines night.
CONTENTS
Abstract
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Acknowledgement
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Contents
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Chapter 1 – Introduction
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Chapter 2 – Theory & Literature Review
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Conceptualizing HTB as a Dating Market
Demographic influences: the lack of ‘men’ within the church Cultural influences: the webs and tools of Christianity
Chapter 3 – Methodology
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Research Design
Population and Sampling Methods & Data Analysis
Researcher as semi-complete member Ethics
Chapter 4 – Results: Dating at HTB
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Stagnant dating culture
Emotional intimacy within and without dates Sexual intimacy pressure within dates
Chapter 5 – Discussion: Market Values
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The price of commitment
The price of emotional and physical intimacy
Chapter 6 – Results: Adaptive Solutions
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Breaking market boundaries Alternative Sexualities Pursuing Independence
Chapter 7 – Discussion: Narratives and Paths of Adaptation
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Missionary Dating
Talking down marriage, talking up independence Romancing Jesus
Chapter 8 – Conclusion
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Epilogue – A Single Christian researching Christian Dating
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Bibliography
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Appendix A – Survey Questionnaire
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INTRODUCTION
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“There just aren’t any single Christian men Samuel! I know that God is in control and all of that, but when there literally isn’t enough men I really don’t know what else we are supposed to do? I want to get married, I want the fairly tale story, but it just seems so out of reach half the time” - Lizzie
The drive and desire to find a spouse is one of the strongest social constructions of modern western culture (Reynolds, 2007). Whilst modern notions of independence may veneer on top through various levels of pioneering feminist critique – beneath the surface for women there is a very real social drive to find a life partner – “from about the age of eight onwards… the race is on to get a boyfriend” (Mangan, 2007:28). But what happens where there simply aren’t enough options – “suppose that there were more young adult women than men?” Asks Marica Guttenttag and Paul Secord. “How would this make women feel?… what kinds of actions might they take?… would their attitudes and behavior toward men change?…would they begin to relate differently toward other women?…” (1983:21). In short – what would the resulting behaviors and experiences of women in this dynamic?
This is a question and indeed a dilemma for women in the Anglican evangelical Church. On the one hand cultural norms from mainstream society and especially subcultural norms from evangelical theology strongly prescribe marriage with a Christian man as a major life goal (Irby, 2014). Adherence to this path is seen as normal and successful, whilst deviation is seen as abnormal and a failure (Aune, 2002). On the other hand however, there statistically aren’t enough men to make this a reality. Currently there is approximately a 70:30 ratio of single men to single women in churches across the United Kingdom (Single Christians, 2015). This means that optimistically only 50% of single Christian females will be able to even get close to achieving the partner standards being preached and taught at churches.
Focusing on one particular evangelical Anglican congregation – Holy Trinity Brompton in central London - this research project firstly depicts the dating behaviors and experiences of unmarried Christian women in an unbalanced marriage market. With it’s
INTRODUCTION
singles ratio of 2:1, the dating lifestyle of unmarried Christian women aged 18-40 is analyzed with respect to the undersupply of men, as well as the cultural norms of evangelicalism. Secondly however this report analysises how these unmarried women are navigating this statistical gap in a marriage market that both prescribes and often promises marriage. How do they adapt, and how do they cope with such a problematic scenario.
Background information
The church of Holy Trinity Brompton (furthermore referred to as HTB) is one example out of thousands where this ratio has become an issue. Described as a “vibrant Anglican church in the heart of London” HTB aims to “play our part in the re-evangelisation of the nations and the transformation of society” (HTB, 2015). Although officially Anglican, the church has strong influences from Charismatic and Evangelical movements in the UK and the USA. With a congregation of at least 3000 individuals, and founder of the world renowned ‘Alpha Course’, the church is something of a landmark in UK Christianity. More relevantly however the church’s key demographic is young wealthy professionals from the ages of 18-40, and thus has become one of the unofficial locations for many Christian singles to search for a partner. Such is its reputation in this area for single women, that HTB has being colloquially re-termed ‘Hunt The Bride’ or ‘Hunt the Boy’ (Morton, 1999).
Research Topic and Questions
This research project focuses on the two main concepts of ‘sex-ratios’ and ‘Christian dating culture’. Following theorists Marcia Guttentag and Paul Secord (1983), dating behavior of Christian single women is analyzed within its context of an unbalanced sex ratio as well as the cultural norms of Anglican evangelical theology. What happens in this marriage market when there aren’t enough men for women? What are the female beliefs regarding single Christian men? How do single women adapt to this uncertain balance? And what are their resulting experiences? In short, the research question is therefore: What are the behaviors, and experiences of unmarried Christian women in the skewed gender ratio marriage market of HTB?
INTRODUCTION
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The role of this study
Michael Burawoy (2005) argues that sociology should have a strong policy role in the contemporary world: providing information and solving problems for other disciplines and organizations. In this regard, this report is vital for the church itself. As one of HTB’s roles involves pastoring and caring for their congregation through all various walks of life, it is key that they know the stories of their women that they profess to care for. Working with HTB leadership therefore this study, as well as independent research in its own right, is an official report commissioned by HTB leadership. As the recent Anglican evangelical ENGAGE symposium summarized “the biggest threat to Christian marriage (marriage between Christians) is the church itself. There are at least half as many men as women in the Church. There is a massive need for widespread, biblical teaching around healthy Christian singleness, relationships and marriage. These are key barriers to Christian marriage” (Chatfield and Clarke, 2013:3). Through this study such a teaching is further facilitated for both HTB as well as the Anglican evangelical church as a whole.
Secondly however, and following in the footsteps of the Guttentag and Secord’s seminal thesis in 1983, this study contributes needed nuance to the analysis of unbalanced gender dating markets. Whilst significant study has been conducted in other populations, very little has been done within the idiosyncratic sphere of Christianity. As this population represents one of the most consistent areas of sex-ratio imbalances (Trzebiatowska and Bruce, 2012), such an analysis is both needed as well as extremely relevant for both the sociology of religion as well as the sociology of dating.
Chapter guide
Over the next few chapters a nuanced, in-depth, and illustrative analysis of HTB’s dating market occurs. Having given an overview through chapter one, chapter two focuses on the previous literature and theory behind this study. Using a market metaphor as an overarching theory, two main strands of contributing literature are analyzed. The first is demography – or the influence that an imbalanced sex-ratio has upon dating dynamics. Here Marcia Guttentag and Paul Secord’s main thesis is reviewed regarding the influence of skewed sex-ratios. Whilst numerous studies exist
INTRODUCTION
within African American and college campus population (both of which has an over supply of women), almost no research however has been conducted within a religious community. One possible reason for this is that there is a multiplicity of other social forces at work within the subculture of a religion, thus significantly complicating the question of study. With regards to this therefore, the second body of literature reviewed is that of Anglican evangelical Christian dating norms. Through an understanding of culture as both ‘webs of meaning’ (Geertz, 1973) as well as a ‘tool kit’ (Swidler, 1986), the Anglican evangelical world view surrounding dating, and subsequent studies of dating behavior and experiences, is summarized. Here an interesting clash of social forces is becomes apparent, as market forces push women to act one way, whilst cultural ones act to push them in them another.
Having taken both contextual as well as practical notes from previous research, chapter three looks at the methodology chosen for this study. In line with a variety of authors within the sociology of religion and the sociology of marriage markets, a nuanced triangulation of methods is constructed. Here, under a cross-sectional survey design - an online questionnaire; follow up interviews; and brief ethnographic field work, is used to properly access the broad statistical picture as well as the small detail of HTB women’s behavior and experiences. The position of researcher as semi complete member (Adler and Adler, 1986) is also discussed in light of both its advantages and disadvantages.
Chapter four paints a descriptive picture of the main dating scene at HTB and dating experience of HTB women. Initial inspection of HTB dating reveals a general lack, rather than presence, of romantic activity. Here women are asked out rarely by HTB men, asked out more by non Christians, and subsequently rarely go on dates / date like scenarios. As a result a loud voice of frustration is expressed through open questions from HTB women, often blaming HTB men and male action for their predicament. Closer examination of the gender dynamics at HTB however reveals that outside of official relationships there exists a strong degree of emotional and romantic intimacy between men and women. Here both genders indicate that they are getting much of their romantic needs met through their relationships with those from the opposite sex. Within the relationships that are occurring, there appears also to be a pressure from Christian men in particular for HTB women to compromise some of their sexual standards. Here in several interviews women spoke of numerous instances where they themselves experienced, or heard of other people experiencing, a lack of sexual boundaries and a subsequent pressure to break these boundaries.
INTRODUCTION
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Chapter five subsequently analyses and discusses this initial pattern through the lens of previous literature. Here it is argued that Guttentag and Secord’s ‘dyadic power’ is very much present and influential within the gender imbalanced dating market of HTB. Because HTB women more numerous, the ‘cost’ of their intimacy doesn’t require exclusive commitment. Men are able to access much of the resources available for them without ever needing to commit to an exclusive dating dynamic. It is for this reason that there appears to be so little activity in regards to official dating at HTB. Indeed such a move would only narrow their pool of resources for Christian men. However, once in a relationship the same dyadic power is lowering the cost of the sexual resources of HTB women. Here again, there is a pressure on women to give more of themselves sexually in order to keep the Christian man interested.
Whilst this paints a relatively negative image of the dating culture at HTB, in chapter six, three alternative lines of adaptive action are identified to be occurring with the church by HTB women. The first is the obvious breaking of market boundary. Here, despite cultural pressure to remain within the market, women are not only dating secular men but also mobilizing various theologies to justify it. Whilst this does have draw backs regarding ideals, it seems to at least offer a short term romantic solution to HTB women. A second strategy adopted is to find alternative sources for romantic intimacy. Here women are re-conceptualizing their relationship with Jesus as a romantic one, facilitating various emotional and indeed sometimes physical experiences through the culture’s interactional ritual chains. Finally, many HTB women have adjusted to their state of singleness through an adjustment of priorities in their lives. Here marriage is no longer the ultimate goal, but rather calling and individual purpose is elevated to be the main focus for life.
Regardless of what response or solution women have found, it is interesting to note that relatively no one at HTB occupies the territory of despair – each having found a variety of ways in tackling their scenario. Here therefore, in chapter seven, the adaptation shown by HTB women is discussed through a narrative lens. Based on theological cultural tools HTB women are shown to piece together a new story that can allow them to behave and act in a particular manner. This ‘adaptation of narrative’ is subsequently followed by various forms of physical and romantic action. In doing this new paths are created. Indeed as Gallagher and Wood have argued, “the experience of ordinary evangelicals may be reshaping the production of evangelical culture as much as evangelical cultural producers shape the subculture itself’’ (2005: 156).
INTRODUCTION
The final chapter therefore concludes with an overarching picture and analysis of HTB’s dating market. Whilst market forces do indeed create a problematic picture for HTB women, it is through cultural tools that they work to solve the dilemma and re-create new webs of meaning and new stories to legitimize their behavior and change their experiences.
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THEORY & LITERATURE REVIEW
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Because the Anglican evangelical dating market sits at the intersection of several influencing variables, this chapter includes a substantial review of the relevant theories, literature, and past studies. Firstly HTB is conceptualized as a dating market as the overarching framework to understand subsequent analysis. With this as the broad framework, the two variables of demography (or sex-ratios) and culture as then also reviewed as to their influence upon this dating market.
2.1 - HTB as a dating market
It was in the early 1970s that academics started noting the relevance of economic models to understand the search for a spouse. Because this process was almost always voluntary; is perceived as a way of raising utility; and, due to a monogamous culture, has very real limited supplies and demands of resources, Gary Becker argued that it “could be successfully analyzed within the framework of modern economics” (1973:814). Subsequent studies and applications of this model followed by numerous authors, and the theory was expanded to conceptualize a notion of what some have called “mating markets” (Regnerus, 2012:1), “dating markets” (Fisman et al, 2002), “sex markets” (Ellingson, 2004:8), or “marriage markets” (Guttentag and Secord, 1983). The view was that “there is a basic economics that typically precedes relationships and constitutes the setting in which they develop, end, or continue” (Regnerus, 2012:1). With this concept as the underlying framework for this study, we can understand HTB’s dating market as “the spatially and culturally bounded arena in which searches for [romantic] partners and a variety of exchanges or transactions are conducted” (Ellingson, 2004:8). Through this market lens there are three main aspects of romantic partnering that are illuminated.
Firstly, there is an initial desire (or demand) for a gain in utility through the benefits of finding a spouse. Individuals, through both biological drives as well as social norms desire to find a romantic relationship within their culture in order to raise their utility and social satisfaction. The desire for various aspects of romantic relational intimacy is one of the basic demands of human existence. Humans desire to raise their
THEORY & LITERATURE REVIEW
personal utility by developing strong and intimate sexual and romantic relationships with other humans. Material gains such as wealth and sexual intimacy, and immaterial gains such as status, social influence, and emotional satisfaction, are all things that are attractive and therefore demanded by individuals looking for a spouse (Baumeister, 2004).
Secondly, however there is a limit on the supplies of these resources as there is a limit to the number of spouses with desirable characteristics. Here through market boundaries there exist a finite amount of options based on space and culture. Culturally, a persons pool of available mates is strongly defined by the rules and norms outlined by the culture. Here cultural practices of endogamy and homogamy have historically enforced which groups of people an individual can, and can’t pursue in the search of a spouse. Obvious examples of this include racial and ethnic barriers that only up until recently were often illegal to romantically cross. Secondly however there are also spatial boundaries that define a dating market. The location, geography, and accessibility of a group of people also strongly influences whom one can and can’t date simply by virtue of allowing initial contact as well as facilitating or hampering regular interaction (Ellingson, 2004).
The third implication of a market metaphor is also the most important. Because there is both a limited demand and a limited supply of various resources there necessarily follows subsequent exchange in order to receive said resources. In their 1983 thesis Marcia Guttentag and Paul Secord highlighted this third main aspect in the market dynamic for dating, framing resulting relationships as “a continuing series of transactions” or “exchanges where each party experiences certain benefits and costs” (1983:158). In order to receive something, say emotional intimacy, from an individual – one has to ‘pay’ a certain price in exchange, say physical intimacy. The result of the relationship would therefore be a certain level of satisfaction as certain needs are met through this exchange. However, what was key for Guttentag and Secord was that this level of satisfaction is based not only upon the result of the exchange, but also on what was expected, what was desired, and crucially what were the alternative options. “Human satisfactions are always relative; their evaluation depends on what might have been experienced instead” (1983:158). When the relationship resulted in outcomes that were higher than expected and higher than the perceived alternatives, the “more satisfying and attractive the relationship”. When the outcomes were lower than expected / perceived, the relationship is “unattractive or distressing” (1983:21). This varying levels of satisfaction with a given relationship option therefore has a strong
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power / dependency dynamic attached to it. “The more than one party is dependent on the other for satisfaction, the greater the power of the other party… conversely, the one with the lesser dependency is in a strong position with respect to obtaining satisfaction from the relationship” (1983:21). This potential imbalance in a relationship power dynamic is what underlies the main theory of Guttentag and Secord.
With regards to these three aspects therefore HTB can be conceptualized as a dating market. Whilst almost humans have a desire to gain physical and emotional utility through romantic relationships, the demand to find a spouse, and to enter into the highly sacred institution of marriage is not just a way of life, but the way of living for evangelical Christians (Irby, 2014). As shall be expanded upon later, HTB Christians have a very high demand to meet a partner and to start a romantic relationship.
Secondly however, and more idiosyncratically, HTB and evangelical Christianity in general has very strong rules and norms as to whom you can and can’t marry. ‘Do not be unevenly yoked’ - one of the few biblical passages that is used in this regard, requires that believers only seek romance with other believers (Aune, 2002). This combined with norms and rules surrounding sexual intimacy mean that evangelical / Anglican men and women are strongly encouraged to, and predominantly want to, only date those from the same denomination. However, HTB also has spatial boundaries. Although located within the Centre of London, it represents a space that other individuals might not naturally cross. For example a member of a Catholic church simply is never in or near the protestant church, there is a significant reduction in the chances or potentials for a dating relationship to start between him and an HTB woman. The result of these two boundaries is that the market, or in this case HTB’s dating market, has very real boundaries and therefore very real limits of the supply and demand of number of individuals available to those looking to raise their relational utility.
Lastly therefore HTB’s members use and exploit a variety of their own resources in order to gain access to others. Here again there exist cultural idiosyncrasies that empower certain characteristics and disempower others. Strong gender normative rules and beliefs likewise distribute other resources unevenly between both sexes – which in turn act as valuable resources to exchange in a romantic scenario. The result is that members attempt to experience varying levels of satisfaction relative in their romantic endeavors through the giving and receiving of their physical and meta-physical resources.
THEORY & LITERATURE REVIEW
With this as the framework for this paper, and with HTB conceptualized as a ‘dating market’, it becomes possible to approach the main question of this study. Namely, what are the resulting beliefs, behaviors, and experiences of single Christian women within this HTB dating market? Indeed, whilst understanding the dynamic at HTB through a market lens helps dramatically with our comprehension of the situation, it does little to offer any prediction or explanation behind subsequent experiences and behaviors. In this regard there are two main variables that are fundamental: demography and culture (Ellingson et al, 2004). The former refers mainly to the actors that make up the HTB market – here the limited number of men, as well as the ‘type’ of man, are major influencing forces into the behavior of single HTB women. The latter of course refers to the underpinning norms and rules surrounding the market in general. 2.2 - Demographic influences: the lack of ‘men’ within the church
As already alluded to, HTB represents a marriage market that has a significant undersupply of men. Spatially the entire UK church has a singles gender ratio of 3:2 (Single Christians, 2015). With regards to the HTB’s denomination, Anglican evangelical, this ratio decreases to 2:1 (Tear Fund, 2007). Finally – for HTB’s congregation in particular, the spatial ratio of single women to single men becomes closer to 3:1 (Lee, 2015). Whilst this appears to already be heavily unfavorable to single women, this ratio debatably becomes even more severe when the cultural barriers of the marriage market are erected. Here the values and standards of Christian dating culture themselves only serve to further reduce the size of the datable population (Verbi, 2015). Single women find that their marriageable population is only further depleted. The result of this is that HTB consists of a highly gender ratio skewed marriage market influenced by strong cultural forces.
What was key for Guttentag and Secord in this regard, is that whilst exchange was somewhat even between men and women in a 50:50 ratio marriage market, it becomes highly influential when viewed in a skewed dating market. “When one sex is in short supply, the individual member who sex is in short supply has a strong position and is less dependent on the partner because of the larger number of alterative relationships” (1983:25). They can achieve a higher level of satisfaction whilst limiting their costs. This “dyadic power” influences the feelings, behavior, and experiences for women in dating culture.
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Based upon this, within HTB’s market of undersupplied men, the reaction of the women to their situation would be cognitive, behavioral, and experiential. In such a market, men would hold the dyadic power – whilst women would be far more dependent. This would manifest first with women feeling “powerless, resentful, and angry” towards their male counterparts. Negative appraisals, and frustrated blame would be common. Secondly, behavior would involve increased efforts and greater sacrifices of particular standards to attempt to secure a partner. Women would “redouble their efforts to attract or keep a man… making sacrifices and going out of their way to please him”. Tailoring to what men are perceived to want, single girls would give more sexually whilst expecting less commitment. A form of “sexual libertarianism would be the prevailing ethos”, with “sexual relationships outside of marriage accepted”. Here “women would more often share a man with other women”, and “men would have opportunities to move successively from woman to woman or to maintain multiple relationships with different women”. Experientially therefore there would be a high frequency of relationship turnover, a high level of female singleness, as well as an increase sacrifice of desired standards from single women. Where culture permitted there would also be an increase in “sexual alternatives in which men are not needed”. Here practices “such as lesbianism, might become more prevalent as possible sexual alternatives for women” (1983:20). Outside of sexuality there would simultaneously be an attempt for women to “establish themselves as independent persons in their own right”, with “various forms of feminism to be accelerated”.
Subsequent studies surrounding this theory have been scattered over a wide range of markets. The most studied ratio skewed marriage market is that of the African-Americans. Here the high incarceration and mortality rates of black American males creates a marriage squeeze for single black females. From a general review of past studies Tuck and Taylor (1989) found a consistent response of compromise on spouse standards as well as an increase of sexual promiscuity for single black women. Further levels of inter-racial marriage from black men only further exacerbated the problem. In this instance Crowder and Tolnay (2000) showed such a practice severely lowered the chances of marriage for women. Crucially those who were aware of this process were the ones most likely to also engage in inter-racial dating.
Another skewed dating market occurs at university. With regard to College Campuses, Uecker and Regnerus (2010) explicitly put to test the “dyadic power thesis” argued by Guttentag and Secord. They found that women on campuses with a more
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skewed gender ratio ”express more negative appraisals of men on campus; they hold more pessimistic views of their own romantic relationships; they go on fewer dates; and they have a lower likelihood of having a boyfriend (or having had one since entering college)” (2010:411). This study is backed up by other studies that have found similar patterns. The National Longitudinal Study of Freshmen reveals that women are more likely to have sex in their freshman year when there are more women part of the campus population.
Whilst these studies contribute useful research to sex-ratio influence in general,
they aren’t concerned with the nuances of a religious (or indeed a Christian) marriage market. In this regard the work of Ashley Palmer at Victory Fellowship Church (a not too dissimilar denomination to HTBs), is highly useful. Here in a 2014 study, she found that cultural influences played a far stronger role in dating behavior than previous marriage markets. “Despite the ostensible impact of community sex ratio... not all women feel the hypothetical pinch of limited partnering options” (2014:234). The reason for this was that those women who fitted the ideal “feminine performance” had a high market value, whilst those who didn’t shouldered the entire weight of the skewed ratio. Aside from this however there were some changes in behavior, including “trying to be more open to romantic possibilities with men they would not have previously considered”, as well as seeking other avenues to have their emotional needs met either through community or romanticized images of God. “We’re all together a lot. So I do have a lot of those relational needs met in the context of these relationships” said one girl (2014:244).
Outside these three these markets individual cases have also been focused on. Kalmijn (1994) found in general that the most practiced adaptation to an unfavorable sex ratio was the date outside the group (rather than compromise). Whilst Raley & Bratter (2004) found the opposite, with single women more readily compromising their standards. With regards to specific dating habits, Browning and Olinger-Wilbon (2003) found that the sex ratio was positively associated with the number of short term partners. Conversely both Edin & Keflas (2005) - and Lewis and Oppenheimer (2000), found that single women seemed to postpone dating till a later age in order to avoid pain associated with availability.
Within sex-ratio research therefore the obvious area where this study would contribute is the understanding of marriage markets in Religious contexts. Although Palmer’s study does provide some light on this issue, it is the only one of its kind that does so. Indeed the skewed ratio of the church is something that is typically treated as a
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dependent variable (why is it there? etc), rather than the independent one. Here this study would understand dating behavior within the highly peculiar context of mainstream UK theology. With religion being one of the most consistent sights of unbalanced gender ratios, such a study has indeed long been needed. Another issue on this note is that no previous study has looked closely at one localized marriage market in particular. Here again, instead of researching the entire UK church – this study will be able to take into account specific cultural influences, sermons, books, and histories surrounding HTB - appreciating their idiosyncratic influences. A third and final area of significant contribution comes in the methodology of research. As almost all these previous studies conducted have been statistical and involve large marriage markets, they often fail to take into account the nuanced emotions of their contexts. As Palmer (2014) agrees, “much of this work is quantitative and, as such, does not account for the variable impact of this constraint in relation to other features of market context and culture” (2014:82). Indeed, due to the scale that many have employed, there has been very little room for interviews or participant observation (aside from Palmer’s study). This study in particular aims to add a far more in-depth and emotional aspect in telling the stories of individual’s dating behaviors.
2.3 - Cultural influences: the webs and tools of Christianity
Whilst indeed the effects of demographics and market boundaries upon partner selection has been analyzed in a variety of settings, it is relatively meaningless without the appreciation that culture plays in the beliefs and behaviors of Christians. As Guttentag and Secord agree - “this cluster of characteristics would be filtered through existing cultural patterns and conditions, so that at different times and in different societies the trends would be manifested differently” (1983:19). In this second body of literature therefore our focus is on the culture that informs the beliefs and behaviors of Christian women. How does this second key variable change affect their subsequent practices and experiences in the HTB dating market.
The anthropologist, Clifford Geertz, paints an initial useful background to our conception of culture as an interconnected system of meaning. He writes of its nature “believing, with Max Weber, that man is an animal suspended in webs of significance he himself has spun, I take culture to be those webs, and the analysis of its to be therefore not an experimental science in search of law but an interpretative in search of meaning”
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(1973:4). With regards to religion in particular, he proposed that these cultural webs compel action through the provision of a persistent framework that defines the world and how to act in it. Religion - “a system of symbols which act to establish powerful, pervasive, and long-lasting moods and motivations” (1973:90) – therefore makes up the majority of these webs for those who are situated within its boundaries.
Following this definition and based on previous research surrounding Christian dating culture, it is possible to point to four main symbolic formations that make up the webs of the culture. These are the institution of marriage; the understanding of gender; the practice of sexual intimacy; and the realm of spirituality. With each, as Geertz so predominantly argued, it is vital to understand not the norms of action and behaviors, but rather the meaning that was encoded within. Only here, as an “interpretative in search of meaning”, can we understand how these symbols act to “establish powerful, pervasive, and long-lasting moods and motivations” in those situated within the culture (1973:90).
The symbols of marriage, gender, sexual intercourse and spirit
The first major symbolic formation is that of marriage. As stated by Wiley (2013:12) “Evangelicals have elevated marriage to one of the most paramount (if not the most paramount) rituals in Christianity”. Under the theology of ‘becoming one’, marriage is conceptualized as the way to complete oneself, and to realize full human existence. It is the natural progress of life and the fundamental building block to church community. The initial result of this teleological view is that a state of singleness is something that should be temporary, and ultimately avoided the older one progresses through life. Kristen Aune in her various analysis of evangelical women noted that being single in a church is “non-normative” and thus there is a “sense of insignificance” that accompanies it (2008:60). Julie Ingersoll likewise found in evangelical small group meetings that “singleness is something of a defective state” and “there was an underlying assumption that women are either at home raising families or are striving to attain that status” (2003:110). This ‘marriage-centric’ in turn brings about secondary webs of meaning regarding the dynamics once in a relationship. Here “dating, like other stages in Christian relationships, is not something to be taken lightly. Rather than view dating as a process of self-discovery, young evangelicals evaluated even ‘casual dating’ for its marriage potential” (Irby, 2014:268).
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A second key symbol that is woven throughout the Christian world view is that of gender complimentarianism. Here there exists a belief that "God has created men and women equal in their essential dignity and human personhood, but different and complementary in function with male headship in the home and in the Church” (Ligon, 2004). As Palmer found in her Charismatic congregation - “assertiveness, provision, and authority are deemed fundamentally masculine qualities, while passivity, nurturance, and sensitivity, are inherently feminine” (2014:129). This gender essentialising symbolism is transposed onto highly modern notions of dating. “Such traits are, in turn woven into gendered ideals and norms for partnering that designate men as pursuers and women, responders, in romantic relationship” (Palmer, 2014:130). Romantic scripts therefore take on a highly normative framework, and are difficult to navigate if roles are not adopted.
This strength of male leadership is also mirrored by various weaknesses deemed essential within both genders. Irby found, “popular purity discourses present men as biologically weak because of their sexual desires, thus women are expected to support them in their struggle by wearing modest clothing”. Women on the other hand are seen as “emotionally weak because of their excessive desire for attachment”, resulting in the need for “men to protect them by setting clear boundaries and avoiding moving too quickly in the relationship” (2014:263). This simultaneous empowerment and disempowerment across gendered lines has a strong contextualizing affect in how Christian couples approach the opposite gender. Men will avoid commitment in order to ‘protect the women’, whilst the women will often fear and step back from being ‘sexual’ in order to ‘protect’ the men they interact with (Perry and Armstrong 2008).
However, whilst both gender norms and marriage “disrupted the landscape” of Christian dating, “sexuality provided its borders” (Irby, 2013:186). For the majority of Christian denominations, “the clearest rule in these communities is that sex should be reserved for marriage” (Irby, 2014:262). For the Christian, sex is a demonstration of the spiritual, emotional, and physical covenantal love two individuals have for one another. It represents something that cannot, and should not, be experienced with anyone apart from your spouse (Ethridge and Arterburn, 2004:25).
In this regard at its most basic the Anglican evangelical theoretical world view is almost unanimous. In a survey of a wide range of Christian dating books, Irby found “all authors universally agreed that sex represented a gift from God reserved for married people”, with a subsequent survey showing “everyone agreed that Christian dating always
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requires a physical boundary with sex on the other side”. However, once again when there appears a lack of concrete symbols in the bible, there opens up a flexibility regarding other forms of sexual intimacy. In this regard the Evangelical / Anglican ethics surrounding various levels of sexual intimacy is varied and nuanced. As Irby goes on to conclude “no universal answer existed to the question “how far is too far?” (Irby, 2013:180). This ambiguity has lead to what colloquially termed ‘loop holes’ in the abstinence rhetoric.
The final symbolic formation that underpins Christian romance, is yet another example of a policing of the boundary between the subculture and main stream society. Framed in a variety of terms and notions is the idea that there is a spiritual connection that needs to be formed between couples. As already was shown – marriage, sexual intimacy, and to a lesser extent gender norms – are all perceived to have a spiritual dimension (as well as physical and emotional). It is a vital part of the evangelical world view.
Objectively therefore “a base requirement for establishing a spiritual connection in Christian dating was that both partners must be Christian”. Not dissimilar from many cultural dating practices, endogamy is therefore strictly enforced throughout dating literature as well as from peers of the individual within the culture (Aune, 2008). Subjectively however as well there is logic in the idea that if couples do not align most of the previous categories already mentioned, there is a going to be too much discord and disharmony in the relationship. Indeed aside from just an endogamous drive within dating culture, there is a homogamy that is implicitly encouraged through the lifestyle practices and norms of being from a particular group of people.
Culture as tool kit
However, as Geertz would so rightly interject at this stage, we must realize that just because there exists such a structure of symbolic meaning within a subculture, does not necessarily mean there is a subsequent perfect reflection of action. After all, “there is a difference between building a house and drawing up a plan for building a house”…”reading a poem about having children by marriage is not quite the same thing as having children by marriage” (1973:92). Indeed importantly, and just as influentially, culture should also be seen as a facilitator to particular action. This “culture as a tool kit” approach was suggested by Ann Swidler in 1986. In this second sense culture provides
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individuals with the tools to engage and interact with the webs and symbols meaning they find themselves situated within. These tools both provide and again constrain the agency of individuals. “Symbols, stories, rituals, and world-views” can be used “in varying configurations to solve different kinds of problems”. Whilst a lack of specific tools simultaneously “constrain action by providing a limited set of resources out of which individuals and groups construct strategies of action” (1986:273).
The “tool kit” of Christian dating culture is of course again complex and fraught with meaning. Initial inspection from the outside would first notice the significant lack of certain tools.
As already highlighted in the previous section there is a high level of meaning attributed to gender – and therefore it is understandable that there are also gender specific tools. One such tool is the idea of ‘making the first move’, which is firmly placed within the hands of the men. Based upon literature sold from HTB’s book shop, Verbi (2015) found that this tool was one of the most emphasized for men. Attributed to the “essence of testosterone God created in you”, Dr. Henry Cloud of ‘How to get a date worth keeping’ (2005:150) argues that women are “wired to respond”. Men are the ones who need to “step out and make something happen... get your team together, work out your fears, and step up to the plate. She is waiting for you!”. From asking her hour directly, to speaking to her father, for men there is a large amount of agency available. Women on the other hand do not have this tool readily available.
So what are they supposed to do? In secular culture it has been argued that women are empowered is through what Catherine Hakim (2010) has called ‘erotic capital’ – redeeming elements of agency by making the first move themselves through flirtation and arousal. In the church however “the purity ideal sets a nearly impossible standard, requiring a girl to remain utterly “asleep” or “starved” when it comes to desire, romance and sexuality—until of course a prince comes along (at God’s command) to “wake her”” (Freitas, 2008:82). Elizabeth Shively likewise found that within the charismatic congregation, “almost anything a girl wears or does could be grounds for causing a young man to stumble” and therefore is heavily discouraged. Here “behavior like flirting and even certain attitudes, fall under the umbrella of immodesty” and therefore cannot be used (2012:105).
In these two regards we can see that certain tools of ‘initiation’ as well as ‘erotic capital’ are not available for Christian women to use. In these instances culture does
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indeed “constrain action by providing a limited set of resources out of which individuals and groups construct strategies of action” (Swidler, 1982:281).
This view of disempowerment through the lack of specific forms of capital on its own is in dangerous proximity to being ethnocentric. As Abu-Lughoud has argued multiple times regarding Islamic women, “veiling itself must not be confused with, or made to stand for, lack of agency” (2002:786). Here it is fruitful to visualise Christian culture as merely supplying different, rather than inferior, tools in tackling their situation.
In his 2013 ethnography Robin Wiley analysed the ‘sexual market place’ of the evangelical church, identifying – through the lens of Bourdieu – three types of capital that were available for use by women to navigate their situation. The first, termed ‘Christian capital’, saw “certain elements of faith, such as biblical knowledge and proper expression of faith” act to “potentially attract a mate” (2013:18). The second form, ‘Virgin Capital’, was the idea that abstinence could itself be seen as sexually attractive. As articulated by the men, “they deserved someone who put in as much effort into remaining “pure” as they did”” (2013:19). And the final form, that of ‘wordly capital’ incorporated aspects of “physical appearance, intelligence, and compassion” that are of course deemed attractive to Christian men (2013:15).
Finally another, although far more extreme, concept has been used to justify dating outside of the prescribed marriage market and breaking the sacred / profane divide. ‘Missionary dating’ or ‘Flirty Fishing’ are concepts identified by Susan Raine (2007), in a study of the extreme Christian movement ‘Children of God’. Here single women were in fact encouraged to use their sexuality in order to win over converts. By evoking the cultural norms of evangelism, sexual encounters with the un-saved other were legitimized as tools to be used to win over new converts.
Whilst some tools available are useful to engage with dating culture, there are others that can be used to cope and resolve a lack of personal dating experience. One such mechanism that has been noted by Sarah Palmer, was the romantisization of a relationship with Jesus. Through the framework of being the ‘bride of Christ’, and combined with the all encompassing love that Jesus offers, many women in Palmer’s study were finding “emotional fulfillment, safety, and intimacy, with God… paralleling the rewards associated with ideal romantic relationships” (2014:245).
Irby (2014), likewise found that there were three other types of responses to the cultural situation of dating. Framed in terms of adherence to Christian norms, she found
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that there were firstly ‘idealists’ – those who closely followed the culture set out for them. However, because they too had strong ideals about God providing a future spouse, they were able to avoid panic and concern over a lack of spouse through theologies of ‘God being in control’. The second group, the independents, on the other hand directly countered the gender essential discourses through “religiously framed, contradicting rationales that focused on independence in relationships” (2014:274). This use of feminist theology attempted to promote singleness as an acceptable way of living for the time being, whilst also opening up new channels for counter cultural dating practices (i.e. women taking the lead etc). Lastly there were the ‘ambivalents’ – or those who were hesitant and unsure about the right beliefs. This group were able to navigate singleness concerns through flexibility of their own uncertain theologies.
On this note – with reference to Irby’s ‘ambivalents’ - it worth adding something of a caveat to the ideas proposed by Geertz and Swidler regarding culture. Namely, that although individuals may very well identify as Christians, and participate within a subculture, it doesn’t mean they do fully ascribe to the rules and the limitation of the culture. “Christians do not make sense of their faith in a vacuum, even when the bible is cited as the lens through which life is understood… Rather, secular values do have an import, but this reckoning of secular values takes place in a specific religious context” (Page, 2014:113). In doing this there is yet another avenue of flexibility when it comes to action, and therefore culture outside of Christian practice is key to understand as well. For example, in a study of secular single women Jill Reynolds (2007:72) showed that single women adapt to their situation, and “construct singleness very positively through the repertoires of choice and independence and self-development and achievement”. In doing this they not only come to terms with it, but in fact often idealize it as a category for their own lives. Whilst this appeared as one option however, the authors questioned whether such an approach was merely masking “their failure to already have a man” (2007:17). Likewise Miranda Lewis’s (2005) report found that single women draw satisfaction and pride from living alone. The report suggests that for younger women, living alone can be constructed as a positive statement of emotional, financial and domestic independence (primarily from parents).
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2.4 – Conclusion: HTB dating as a market for demographic and cultural forces HTB therefore represents an interesting intersection and meeting point of two nuanced social forces. On the one hand for single women, the unfavorable sex ratio presses and pushed women to think and behave is specific ways. The ‘cost’ of obtaining and maintaining commitment from a Christian man is raised due to the scarcity of this resource. Sexual intimacy should in such a circumstance be more common, and commitment more rare, as men are able to get what they want for a lower price. Subsequently compromise and feelings of resentment should follow. However, as Palmer so rightly identified with her skewed religious marriage market, “where imbalanced sex ratios have been related to increased sexual activity in majority female markets, this pattern is unlikely to manifest in the cultural and institutional context of a religious market” (2014:14). In this regard opposing and controlling forces of culture overtly play a strong part in influencing the behaviors of single Christian women. Here, although far from universal, women are pushed away from the promiscuous nature that an unbalanced sex ratio should promote. Instead, webs of meaning surrounding marriage and sex, combined with a tool box of various other options promote actions
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As already explained, this study aims to establish the behavior and experiences of unmarried HTB women between the ages of 18-40. Because this research has never been conducted on such a group, and to such a scale, rigorous and nuanced methodology was required. This chapter will provide an in-depth discussion regarding research design, population choice, research methods, access strategies, and ethical considerations.
3.1 - Research Design
As advised by many sociologists of religion, a cross-sectional research design is often the most versatile for studies on religious behavior and experiences. It was therefore chosen as the overarching framework for this study. The benefit of such an approach allowed the researcher to establish the lifestyle of the HTB female singles population through just one period of analysis in 2015. Given the length of time allocated to conduct this project this initial aspect was extremely useful. However of similar value, was the ability to include multiple variables into the survey, something also made possible through a cross-sectional structure. Finally, the researcher was also able to navigate the typical ‘time’ critique leveled at a cross-sectional design. Although not a rigorous as a longitudinal approach, time was appreciated through retrospective questions with the survey and interviews. It is for these reasons that Juhem Navarro-Rivera and Barry Kosmin (2011) argue cross-sectional designs are the most useful approach for researching religious populations.
3.2 - Population and sampling
As has already been described, this research was focused on the dating market of HTB church in London. More specifically it was concerned with the demographic of members who weren’t married, between the ages 18-40. This therefore formed the research population of this study. Whilst the research question specifically addresses only women in this dynamic, men were included within this population for two main reasons. Firstly access to the population was only guaranteed via an official study for HTB on their dating culture. They naturally wanted to know about both genders, as well
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as to not cause problems within their congregation by only asking one sex’s opinion. Secondly however, as would later prove vital, the dating experience of HTB women is contingent upon the dating behavior of HTB men. In this regard valuable data was derived from their side of the story.
Access to this group of people was facilitated through personal connections of the researcher. As later discussed, the position of semi-complete member meant that many of the key individuals within HTB leadership were already acquainted with the researcher and what he was trying to achieve in this study. Subsequently, when the researcher approached the church there were several ears available to listen to the project proposal. On this note, a symbiotic relationship was suggested, whereby in exchange for access to their population (and indeed the official email list of their population) the researcher would work with HTB leadership in producing a separate study of their dating culture. As HTB themselves are in the business of caring and pastoring the romantic and emotional lives of their members, such an offer was greeted with enthusiasm.
Having gained access and approval in early April it was then suggested to sample around 600 members from the HTB email list of all members. Initially it was hoped that HTB would be able to filter this email list based upon age and marital status – allowing the study to only be sent to those who fitted the profile. However, it soon transpired that either such as list was far too out of date, or indeed was just simply not possible. Navigating this therefore involved moving from a strategic random sample, to more of a saturated census / snowball sampling technique. Here the survey was emailed out to all 60 connect group leaders asking for them to get the relevant members of their group to complete it. As everyone at HTB is supposedly a member of these connect groups, and as connect group membership was not seen an influential variable, this was deemed as a suitable alternative. Whilst there was no way of filtering the connect group based on age or marital status, the email specified quite clearly that the survey was intended for anyone who wasn’t married and who was between the ages of 18-39. Likewise, the first page of the questionnaire was premised with message stipulating the demographic requirements to answer it or not.
3. 3 - Methods
Because the subject in question is of a highly personal nature (both religion and dating practices), as well as difficult to accurately depict and quantify, a nuanced battery of
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research methods was required. This study therefore employed a form of methodological triangulation (Roof, 2011) utilizing questionnaires; interviews; and what Wacquant terms “observant participation” (2005:5). Indeed at varying occasions all three have been used by other sociologists studying dating behavior and religion
An online questionnaire was the first stage in this process (see appendix A). Constructed using survey monkey, a specific URL / website was created to host the questionnaire (http://www.thehtbdatingcourse.com/). Such an identifiable URL link was useful as it allowed not only digital but also word of mouth transmission between HTB members. The link to the questionnaire was then emailed to just over 60 connect groups (with around 10 members).
To allow for in-depth as well as quantifiable answers, a combination of open and closed questions was used. It was here that the majority of personal and private questions were asked - such as aspects of sexual promiscuity, or personal levels of sexual and dating ethics. As used in Uecker and Regnerus’ (2010) ‘Bare Market: Campus Sex Ratios’ study, questions with likert scales allowed a quantitative analysis on specific issues as well as comparable answers between respondents. However, unlike much of the previous research there were several open-ended questions at the end of each of the main sections. This was designed to give, and indeed ultimately gave, a greater level of freedom for the participant to be completely honest and far more nuanced (McAndrew and Voas, 2011). Whilst the questionnaire was of course anonymous, at the end the participant had the option to disclose their identity to the researcher (although not HTB itself) by providing their email address to allow a follow up interview. From the 22nd – 29th of April emails were sent out to the various groups at HTB advertising the survey and asking members to fill it out in a two week window. The survey was then digitally closed on May 15th preventing anymore responses. Out of the 600+ people contacted via email there were 171 responses to the survey (147 complete and 24 unfinished), representing a completed response rate of 24%.
However, whilst this developed a broad statistical picture of the HTB population as well as large aggregate categories of behavior, it was never going to provide the true nuanced stories that are vital to understanding HTB women’s dating lives. Based upon the survey data therefore interviews were set up with individuals from the main bands of experience. Kvale and Brinkmann (2009) fittingly use the metaphor of ‘interviewer as miner’ to describe this approach, and in this sense this research proceeded to dig
METHODOLOGY
deeper into these specific ‘vanes’ of data. Using a table similar to that shown in figure 1, individuals from each of the four categories were approached through email asking to meet for coffee with the researcher and chat through their experiences in more detail.
Figure 1 – sample table for interview categories
Dated More Dated Less
Asked out more Asked out less
With the majority of individuals contacted responding, interviews were set up in the second half of may with 11 women from HTB. As demonstrated by Sin (2003) the choice of site heavily influences the dynamics, focus, and content of the interview. To promote a feeling of informality, as well as anonymity the location of a small secluded café was chosen in near proximity to where the interviewee wanted to meet. During these interviews of particular use to the study was the ‘narrative inquiry’ (Connelly and Clandinin, 1990) approach, allowing stories to dictate the data produced rather than answers to structured questions. This line of approach is consistent feminist methodologies that emphasize beginning with women’s experiences (Smith 1990). Given the background of the researcher as participant, conversations were relaxed and natural – with a very high level of honesty. To complete the aura of warmth and friendliness, the researcher paid for coffee for each individual. Subsequently the interviews proved to be highly informative and successful, lasting around 1-2 hours each and recorded on the researchers iPhone.
Whilst both of these methods provided large amounts of valuable data, a third component was added to negotiate elements of self-deception and dishonesty of the respondents. Indeed, as the nature of this study is so personal and meaningful to those answering – this issue of honesty is likely to be an influential one. Three brief “observant participations” were therefore conducted at three HTB Sunday services. What marked this different to the more common ‘participant observations’, was the researcher’s role as semi-permanent member in Christian dating culture, and indeed in HTB. Here, instead of having to try to blend in with the cultural scenario and make an effort to participate, the default position of the research was already a participant. In this regard the ‘effort’ made was in observation, with the participation occurring naturally.
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3.4 - Data Analysis
Due to the multiplicity of data collected there was a subsequent set of analysis tools employed. For the closed questions and likert scales within the questionnaire, IBM’s SPSS was used to initially recode and map large trends. From these large trends it was then also possible to perform various correlation tests between independent and dependent variables. The open questions however were coded into main categories of answers using NVIVO software. Here again large trends were identified with both sub and parent codes applied to the variety of answers. For interviews a full transcript was made from the recordings. Once this had been completed, a form of axial coding was used to identify the main themes. Because the interviews were conducted through a narrative enquiry framework there were numerous themes and topics of discussion that proved to be largely irrelevant, or at best not relevant for now, and thus were sidelined in favor of more significant trends and patterns. Likewise, the ethnographic observant participations initially had streams of thought and documentations that haven’t contributed to this study. However, as they were conducted parallel with aspects of data analysis, they became more focused and more valuable to the final understanding of the culture.
3.5 - Researcher as a semi-complete member
A large part of this research was only made possible because the researcher is a semi-complete member (Adler and Adler, 1986). Having been raised a Christian at St. Marks Battersea (a plant from HTB), and engaged in the dependency and power dynamics of Christian dating culture, I found that my status as a single Christian facilitated the research in two main areas: access to the population, and the validity of research.
Obtaining initial access to the research field, and consent from both the church as well as the women, was not only made so much easier as it was done through a familiar face - but is also because researcher clearly had a vested interest in the outcomes of those he is researching (something that should be innate in every researcher, but is often more of a token gesture than an actual reality). Thirdly however the validity of the research however was also increased. As Margaret Poloma (1997) has noted, an in depth intellectual as well as emotional understanding of the behavior of the culture dramatically increases response rates, validity of responses, as well as a general understanding of sociological processes underway. The phrasing of the
