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From Love Child to Black Sheep
Secrecy Management and Families of Dutch-Indonesian War Love
Children
Proposal Master’s thesis Sociology (2018-2019) Erna van Burik 12424889
Department of Sociology Gender, Sexuality and Society Thesis Supervisor: Margriet van Heesch
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ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
For starters, I am especially grateful to my thesis supervisor Margriet van der Heesch. When I was faced with a tragic accident in my family, mere days before the deadline, I prioritized time with family over my thesis. Her support of this decision was very valuable to me and how she proceeded to guide my thesis, even throughout her days off in summer, is heartwarming. I would like to thank my loyal partner, Jelle Mak. He witnessed my rollercoaster like process of writing a thesis from the first row. He was the voluntary and involuntary audience at all times. Additionally, my critical sister An van Burik sat closely behind him on the second row of the audience, as she happened to be prescribed bedrest and was thus in need of daily visits anyway. I attribute some appreciation to her amnesia as well, since this made her an unspoiled, fresh hearer to every version. Both Jelle and An were, and remain, endless sources of emotional support to me.
Lastly, I am thoroughly appreciative of my committed cousin, Martin Spithoff, who went through the meticulous and time-consuming process of proofreading and doing grammar checks with me.
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1. FINDING THE HIDDEN WAR LOVE CHILDREN 1.1. The Affairs Erased From Memory: Introduction
Out of four children, Peter was the only one who was enthusiastic to hear they still had a fifth sibling. A grown woman, named Lucia, had contacted Peter’s father claiming to be his war love child, and that’s when his father’s secret unfolded of a child born of love during war. The circumstances were not optimal. For one, his father had kept the
romance and the child a secret from his wife all throughout their marriage. Years before their marriage, his father had also treated Lucia and her mother unjustly, by giving up their planned future and instead deserting them. But for Peter, that didn’t temper his curiosity and he was excited when his father was willing to share more details with him. As soon as they heard of each other’s existence, Peter and Lucia were delighted over their siblinghood. The better they got to know each other, the more they considered each other enrichments to their lives. At the other end of the spectrum were their other
paternal siblings, who ignored, suppressed and rejected the entire issue as much as they could. In contrast to them, Peter learned more about the events that had taken place. He came to realise how little say his father had in choosing his own future and on two occasions, thirteen years apart, he asked his father the most important question: would he, in retrospect, rather have returned to the Netherlands, and have the life he had, with them as children. Or otherwise, would he rather have stayed there? On both occasions, his father answered in a heartbeat: he would rather have stayed there and been with her. Peter’s family is not alone in this experience. When Dutch soldiers were stationed in the Netherlands East Indies (present day Indonesia) they spent time with people of different population groups in the Netherlands East Indies. This included both the native
population (Indonesians) as well as the Eurasion population (Indisch). From this contact romantic relationships emerged, in which sexual interaction could take place and
pregnancies occurred. These intimate interactions were generally not approved of by the church nor by the military, but how strict or how tolerant this was acted upon differed per setting. With the ending of the Dutch military involvement in the Netherlands East Indies, the majority of these soldiers returned to the Netherlands. For various reasons, few of these relationships lasted and few of these children grew up knowing their father (the soldier). The children were born in the Netherlands East Indies where their mother
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had remained. Many of these children experienced hardships due to their Dutch heritage and a lack of a father. This hardship includes financial struggles associated with a single-parent home, falling victim to violent expressions of anti-Dutch racism, and the
detachment from their family (as a result from being raised in an orphanage).
While the women were disadvantaged by how their Dutch lovers had treated them and the children were victimized because of their Dutch heritage, neither the women nor the children could count on Dutch support to aid them. In fact, in the Netherlands, war love children and their mothers were ignored and kept a secret. There was a high number of venereal diseases among the Dutch soldiers, which had a problematic impact on the number of soldiers remaining in the infirmary at any given moment. From this problem, the prevalence of soldiers’ sexual activity in the Netherlands East Indies naturally followed. Pregnancies and children had no war related relevance and received little attention. Even though the soldiers’ fidelity was questioned, the soldiers’ partners put little thought into the possible existence of children and of loving relationships. The focus was instead put on physical seductions. Especially once the war was lost, there was an eagerness in the Netherlands to leave the war, the country, and those lives behind. Firstly, because the war was lost, but more importantly because the war was deemed morally objectionable as it was aimed at maintaining a power position of
extortion. In addition to this national tendency to ignore, the war love children were also kept a secret on the individual level. A shared future of the war love child and its parents was not deemed an option. After leaving the Netherlands East Indies, the soldiers started a family, with a more approved of woman.
Silence and secrecy was easily accomplished as it remained uncontested. The war for independence was in general not spoken of. The unpopularity of this war has several reasons. For starters, the war was lost. Additionally, the moral view of the war had changed while the soldiers were stationed in the Netherlands East Indies. Upon their return, the war was considered immoral as a whole, because it aimed to reinforce
colonial power at the expense of the local population. When the soldiers returned, no one wanted to hear of the experiences the soldiers had had in fighting this immoral war. This sentiment explains why so little is known of Indonesia as a whole, and most specifically of the soldiers’ position in the war for independence.
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But as time passed by, some of these secrets resurfaced in the soldiers’ lives and/or in that of their families. How disclosure took place and how this was received differed strongly.
In this thesis, I will explore what shapes the responses of the descendants of the war love child’s parents. In this, I consider everyone who is either the child or the grandchild of one of the war love children’s biological parents. I will do so by addressing the following research question:
How is the secret of the war love child understood by the descendants of the war love child’s parents?
To answer this question, I will also answer the following sub questions: How is the descendants’ view of the matter of the war love child shaped by their perception of the war love child’s parents? How does a descendants’ perception of the secret of the war love child’s parents shape this descendant’s view of the war love child? And how does the descendants’ perception of the story of the secret of the war love child shape this descendant’s view of the war love child?
The general notion of a child born of love during war can be applied to other historical cases as well. In my thesis I limit the term to the definition as described by the foundation oorlogsliefdekind. This foundation coined the term to refer to children between 1945 and 1950, born of consensual unions between a Dutch soldier stationed in the Netherlands East Indies and a woman who lived there.
In these questions, I include the war love children, their siblings, and anyone they are (grand)parents of. Several of my participants expressed an aversion towards the term ‘half sibling’, because it does not do justice to how real, close and complete the participants’ bond is with these siblings. To honour those feelings, I adopt the term paternal sibling or maternal sibling to indicate there is only one shared parent between a set of siblings. I also use the term ‘war love child brother/sister’ to indicate the war love child him-, or herself. I refer to all siblings in one case with the term ‘war love child’s siblings’.
In my thesis, I refer to the Netherlands East Indies to refer to Indonesia prior to the
declaration of independence in 1949. When referring to Indonesia after the independence, I refer to the country as Indonesia.
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I specifically refer to the war love children’s mothers as ‘women living in the
Netherlands East Indies’, to avoid confusion. I refer to the native population of Indonesia as Indonesians, and to non-Indonesians living in the Netherlands East Indisch as people of Indisch decent. In this, the term ‘people of Indisch decent’ is more a reference to a socio economic class than an ethnic class, as it includes people of full Dutch, mixed and Chinese decent.
1.2. Relevance
There are many more occurrences of war love children (as defined by the foundation) that are not currently publicly shared. It is likely many more secrets of war love children have already successfully been taken into the graves, because most discoveries around this secret are coincidental and circumstantial. Because soldiers who had never had other children are less likely to have their secrets emerge via these inherited artefacts, their secrets may be more structurally overlooked. Because of the governmental stimulation of migration, some soldiers may have been more difficult to find due to their migration. Those stories may also be less publicly shared.
My thesis will generate an understanding of how descendants react to this extraordinary type of situation.
In addition to this specific, historic group of war love children (as defined and targeted by the war love child foundation), I also expect similar examples to have occurred, in which romances in times of war led to pregnancies. The Dutch military missions occur under very different circumstances nowadays. The missions are not on that large scale, deployments are not for years on end and technological advancement makes soldiers less detached while on a mission. Nonetheless, I still expect this phenomenon of secrets over romantic sexual relations during missions abroad to still occur. perhaps not necessarily in a military setting, not necessarily with Dutch parties and not with a colonial history. How the loved ones’ of those involved react may be one of the main concerns in choosing to disclose or not. Disclosure in turn is essential to adequately enforcing the child’s rights to know their parents. This insight into the underlying dynamics of these specific responses will support an understanding of relatives’ responses in similar situations. Additionally, this insight can be used as guide in reconsidering what changes should be made to ensure more desirable pathways for the people involved in those
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situations.
Descendants are often confronted with a double layer of taboos: the actual one, and the secrecy surrounding it. By understanding how participants place and perceive these taboos in my specific cases, a more general understanding is formed of transgenerational taboos, the secrecy of taboos, and the taboo of secrecy.
Exploring how taboos are maintained or rejected in relation to family history may contribute to larger studies on how taboos and norms are renegotiated over time. Keeping family secrets secretive, and especially when keeping them a secret from younger generations, may turn out to be detrimental to the development of norms. The present day applauding of openness towards children and the taboo of keeping secrets can in that sense be seen as catalysator to more rationally reconsidering taboos. With this thesis I hope to contribute to that as well, but before I do so I will elaborate on the
foundation Oorlogsliefdekind, as their efforts introduced me to this phenomenon in the first place and because they played a vital and irreplaceable role in the success of my thesis.
1.3. The foundation
For decades, these stories have remained hidden from public view and from historical accounts, until the founders of the foundation Oorlogsliefdekind brought the personal accounts of these stories and their prevalence under the attention. To refer to this group of children, the foundation coined the term ‘oorlogsliefdekind’, or ‘war love child’. This term refers to children born between 1945 and 1950 who were conceived by a Dutch soldier on a mission in the Netherlands East Indies. A vital characteristic of the
foundation’s definition is how it only includes children born of love. This aspect aims to exclude children born from violence or coercion such as prostitution and rape.
The foundation is funded by a grant. The objective of the foundation is to make the war love children visible and to make this hidden page of Dutch national history more widely known. In practice, the organisation also facilitates and supports the search for more of these stories by empowering descendants to search more effectively.
Several types of products are created by the foundation. First off, there is a website on which cases-articles are published, and on which a forum is hosted where people can share their search. The foundation also organised an event to meet face-to-face with
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everyone interested in or related to war love children. Later on, the organisation expanded their scope by searching and visiting war love children in Indonesia. There, they also obtained more information from different sources. They used all information available to them and wrote a book. They also produced a documentary in which the war love children and their relatives contribute by sharing their story.
I approached the war love child foundation when I was still in the beginning of my thesis. They provided guidance on my topic and directed me to additional information. Later on, they facilitated my contact with the participants, as they made initial contact with them.
1.4. Diving In: Methodology
I have adopted a qualitative design for this study, because of the focus on understanding personal experiences and because of the limited pre-existing academic knowledge. All projects realised by the foundation Oorlogsliefdekind provide relevant input for my study, but none were specific and detailed enough to suffice as data for my thesis. Therefor, I conducted interviews with contributors to the foundation in order to
adequately answer my research question. I used the foundation’s publicly available data and their personal guidance to select participants and prepare for the interviews.
I applied two selection criteria. Because of limitations due to language, I could only conduct interviews in English or Dutch. Participants had to be proficient in either one of those languages. Secondly, I would only interview descendants of the war love child’s parents. I excluded the generation of these parents since partaking in my interviews did not seem in their best interest, because of their age at the time of the study. I selected descendants based on their diversity and I strived to include exceptional cases. Because of the restrictions, I have an overrepresentation of Dutch descendants from the father and from war love children currently residing in the Netherlands.
For this study I conducted eight interviews. I visualized some of the general
characteristics of the cases in attachment 1. Six out of these were with paternal siblings of a war love child. One interview was with a war love child who had migrated to the Netherlands and one interviewee was the daughter of a war love child. Five interviewees found out about the war love child when they were already an adult. In two of these cases, the war love child had found their shared father and in both cases their father was
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still alive at the time. In the three remaining cases of disclosure as adult, the fathers had already passed away when the secret emerged. Two of these occurred via artefacts found among the soldiers’ belongings. In the three cases where disclosure occurred before adulthood, one was based on rumours voiced throughout her youth, one was because her father confided in his teenage daughter, and one was the war love child, who always knew her father was a Dutch soldier. Two of the soldiers were already in a steady relationship in the Netherlands while conceiving a child with a girl in the Netherlands East Indies. In comparison to their siblings, my participants were the most dedicated sibling in their family. Four participants have come to find the lost relatives and three of them are in close contact with their newly found sibling. None of the here regarded war love children grew up with their biological father. I have adopted pseudonyms to ensure my participants’ anonymity.
The interviews were semi-structured and preferably face to face. With one
intercontinental participant I had Skype interview. I was open towards the interviewees about the aim of this study and these interviews and formally obtained their consent via a consent form. All participants allowed me to record the interview, which I did.
Afterwards, I transcribed the interview and coded them using Atlas.ti. The first three interviews I coded closely. Based on this initial process I set up a coding tree which I then applied to all interviews. I expanded this structure where necessary, but I did not make any major changes. I further specified some of the more encompassing codes to consist of smaller subcodes. I analysed the data by rereading the codes while taking note of relevance for answering my questions. This resulted in a hand-written structure of processes and of their mutual influences on each other. Now that I have described my methodological approach, I will elaborate on the academic findings on which the current study will expand on.
1.5. Academic literature
The concept of war love children is very specific and unique in various aspects. It is an intersection of sexuality, racism, exoticism, family sociology, secrecy and power, in a politically divided country recovering from colonisation and from two consecutive wars. It is primarily, the setting of the Netherlands East Indies at the time, that makes
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the sentiment over them. As colonizers, the Dutch had ruled the archipelago and effectively drained it from resources and autonomy. The distinction between local population and colonizers faded. One reason was the Dutch people who settled in Netherlands East Indies long enough to raise their children there. A second reason were the children born of mixed decent, which was virtually the only social mobility. Via these routes the social class of the Indisch people emerged: well-educated inhabitants of the Netherlands East Indies who were European oriented. The local population of the Netherlands East Indies welcomed the Japanese ideal to remove the European power system and instead to return Asia to the Asians. Dutch people were interned, and so were Indo’s, unless they could convincingly make a case for their Indonesian identity. When the Japanese lost the war, the local population was quick to rebel against a continuation of European rule in Netherlands East Indies. The freedom fighters, called Pemuda’s, were in some areas so violent and numerous, it was safer for the Dutch and the Indo’s to stay in their imprisonment camps. Because of this entire background of the Dutch in Netherlands East Indies, comparisons with other soldiers on missions are always limited. The Netherlands East Indies was a colony of the Netherlands so exposure to Dutch culture and language was not new. The Dutch had occupied a high social class for over a century. How the Dutch soldiers were seen differed per social class and per region. (Wietsma & Scagliola, 2013)
As a result from these unique characteristics, I had little academic ground to work from. Therefore, I consulted academic literature about various related topics, but finding relevant overlaps proofed challenging. There was only a limited number of studies which I deemed relevant for this thesis because of important differences with the case of war love children. I thus had little academic ground to build upon.
Earlier studies on secrecy made me aware of the unique relation individuals personally have with a secret and how dynamic this relation is. As a result, I aspire to focus on the processes rather than static concepts.
Based on earlier studies on other children born of war, of adopted children and on children born of donor insemination, I expect similar social and psychological struggles were also manifested in the war love children.
11 1.6. Thesis outline
Now that I have introduced the topic and the overall context, I will further elaborate on the pre-existing academic literature in chapter two. In chapter three I answer the first sub question by describing how the descendants’ perception of the war love child’s parents and how it shapes their view. I address the disclosure, the judgment of the war love child’s parents, the descendants’ bonding with the war love child and ownership over the secret. I will answer the second sub question in chapter four by addressing the dynamics around the perception of the story of the war love child. I answer that question via the topics: storytelling, taboos, exoticism, collateral damage and collateral gain, and bonding. Based on chapter three and four I will answer the main research question in chapter five. In this chapter I will combine my findings to describe how the descendants’ responses are shaped. The final chapter consists of the conclusion. In that chapter, I provide a concise recap of the study I conducted and the answers I found. Finally, I will discuss any limitations of my findings and I make suggestion for future studies.
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2.1. Introduction
And a couple months later I’m over at my father’s brother helping him with his taxes. And I ask him “oh, and by the way, would you happen to know something about this?” And he just says: “Of course, those are two sisters of yours. Didn’t you know that?” - Gerrit
Because of the case of war love children is so unique, all pre-existing literature has a limited relevance. Thus, I resorted to more general themes that relate to the case of the war love children. I explored academic works in the fields of: other family secrets, other reproductive secrets (adoption and donor insemination), and other children born of war. 2.2. Family secrets
‘Family secret’ is a term which is used to cover different types of secrets. In the literature, the term is ill-defined. There was a wide range of topics covered under the term family secret. The literature I found covered vastly different criteria and I explain these differences in the table below (Table 1: types of family secrets).
The first three of the categories in the table are also presented by Karpel (1980), which I found in Vangelisti, Caughlin, & Timmerman (2001). The war love children’s secrets can fit
several of these categories at different moments in time. The category of ‘family relevant topic’ was always met, as the secret regarded either an extramarital child or the true identity of a child’s father. In most cases there was full external disclosure of the existence of the war love child during the time the soldier was in the Netherlands East Indies. Upon return, this could switch to full internal disclosure. This happened when a soldier intended to form a family with his war love child and it’s mother in the
Netherlands East Indies and thus informed his family in the Netherlands of the situation. When his situation became clear in his Dutch social setting, the soldier was encouraged to silence the matter and stay in the Netherlands. As time passed by and the family grew, new generations often were not told of the secret, and thus a situation of partial internal disclosure emerged. This type of generational development of family secrets was not discussed in any of the literature I found.
13 Table 1: types of family secrets
Characteristics of secret Full internal disclosure Partial internal disclosure No internal disclosure Family relevant topic Confidents/allies Family Some family members Non-family members Not specifically family
Object for secrecy
All non-family members Some family members Family Not specifically family Example of topic Socio economic status Addiction/mental health/criminal
activity Sexual preference Donor insemination
In my view, I came across some hurdles with the existing literature. For one, providing an explanation of what the assumed definition of ‘family’ is, is not common practice. Explanations are rarely given for what the base is for ‘family’ and what the minimum of this factor is. For example: How much shared genetic heritage is needed for the
minimum? There is also no attention given to how the term is extended to include families, adopted children, in-laws, and divorcees. ‘Family’ is also a culturally bounded concept. I propose that before applying the term ‘families’, ‘families’ first need to be conceptualised. In my thesis, I assume families are as they are experienced by the individuals. This assumption includes people’s cultural background and their acceptance in authorities in determining what is family, as well as their own beliefs and choices. The second point for which I argue for a slightly different course, regards the
conceptualisation and view on the secrecy and the disclosure.
In my view, secrecy and disclosure are both processes which are dynamic and which sometimes take place simultaneously. The simplified assumption of a secret with clear borders, clear confidents and clear objects for secrecy, does not do justice to the fluidity. This notion is also supported by other researchers. McNay is one of them, and she writes “Absent memories become family secrets, known to some members of the family, not known to other members, and, often, intuited by still others” (McNay 2009: 1179). Smart (2011) illustrates the constant process of avoidance in secret management as “a
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subtle choreography of secrecy management” (p. 549). Rober, P., Walravens, G., & Versteynen, L. (2012) applied the term ‘selective disclosure’ to avoid the rigidity of the notion of a secret.
In the existing literature I found little to guide my answer regarding how responses to disclosure are shaped. Based on studies which address what shapes the decision to disclose or not, I also expect to find a complexity of contributing factors. Some studies have seemingly contradicting findings. First off, I imagine these differences may be the result of the slight difference in types of secrets. Secondly, I suspect the inconsistencies may also be the result of exploring the complex interrelated factors with methodological approaches that are not sufficiently sensitive to this. This would be in line with
Vangelisti, Caughlin, & Timmerman (2001), who found complex relations between the various factors they found to influence the disclosure and secrecy.
Lastly, McNay (2009: 1183) addresses the notion of toxic secrecy as described by Imber-Black (1998: 15)“poison[ing] our relationships with each other. . . . disorient[ing] our identity, . . . disabl[ing] our lives”. The secrets of the war love children may have similar impacts.
2.3 Reproductive secrets
I included adoption and donor insemination literature, because of the similar position of people who fulfill the role of parent in the disclosure. What to tell, when to tell it, and how to tell it are dilemma’s these parents, as well as the war love child’s parents, face. In comparison to the youths of adopted children and of children of donor insemination, the war love child’s youths are less favorable. Children with an adoption or donor
insemination background are typically raised in two-parent homes. Having these children required considerable effort and the children were very much wanted. In contrast, the war love children were mostly unplanned and poorly prepared for. Their youth was spent in orphanages, or in their mothers’ single parent household, or with their mothers’ new family (where they were not always accepted). The war love children grew up in a war-torn setting in a country first deprived by colonialism, then deprived by the Japanese in the second world war and next divided by the war for independence. Depending on the specific region, there was mild to life-threatening racism against the Dutch and Dutch complexity. While their Dutch background was a liability in Indonesia, it also meant that
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they may be eligible for repatriation to The Netherlands. Many of the war love children were confronted with the option to migrate away from the violence and towards a better future, but this meant leaving their mother, their family, and their country behind. For all three categories of conception (adoption, donor insemination and war love child) there are taboos (McWhinnie 2000). Unlike the war love children’s parents’, one main concern voiced by the parents in the literature was the taboo of (male) infertility
(McWhinnie 2000). All three types of children may feel abandonment by their biological parent. In the literature, parents are described to have difficulty with disclosing the
reproduction background (Hunter, Salter-Ling & Glover 2000; Kirkman 2003). Parents in all three situations were encouraged by others to keep the child’s background secretive (Hunter, Salter-Ling & Glover 2000: 162; Kirkman 2003: 2230). Parents find it difficult to find the words and often consider waiting ‘for the right time’. However, at some point it becomes increasingly difficult to still disclose (Hunter, Salter-Ling & Glover 2000). Reasons for this include: the perceived difficulty of speaking of it; a desire to protect the children from feeling out of place, from being rejected or disappointed by their genetic parent; out of shame for having kept a secret; and because they don’t think it is necessary for the child to know (McWhinnie 2000). Children in turn feel that if they pursue contact with the genetic relatives, this may be disruptive to their relationship with their non-biological parent (Kirkman 2003). I expect that these topics to emerge from my interviews as well.
2.4 Children born of war
Literature on children born of war mostly assesses Western European women and their children born of war during the second world war (Mochmann, Lee, & Stelzl-Marx 2009). There is also a substantial body of literature on children born of rape in third world countries, but there is little overlap with the war love children discussed here. When children born of war are regarded, there is a tendency to focus on children born as a result of violence and rape (Mochmann, Lee, & Stelzl-Marx 2009; Rimmer 2006). Children born of consent are inconsistently included, and generally they receive less academic attention. According to the four categories of children born of war as described by Mochman, Lee and Stelzl-Marx (2009), children born from colonial disputes is not part of the definition. Literature on children born of war focusses generally on the perspective of the child and
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the woman (Voicu & Mochmann 201). This literature mostly refers to children fathered of by the enemy. The war love children have complex dynamics in this situation, because the soldiers intended to be the liberators from the second world war, but became a prime actor in the ensuing war for independence. What the sentiment was differed per ethnic, social and political group as well as per region. An important difference between war love children in the Netherlands East Indies and children born of war in Western Europe post world war two, is how recognizable the war love children are based on their looks. The war love children had an unmistakably white complexion and were, as a result, the victim of near unescapable hostility. In contrast to hostility against other children born of war, the hostility war love children faced was rooted in an extensive history of
colonization and oppression. Lastly, an important difference is how war love children were often sent to so called orphanages (though many of the children were by no means an orphan). At these facilities for Dutch children, the children would live safely and be given Dutch education. These types of facilities are unprecedented among other children born of war.
In terms of similarities, both were, at least according to some, children of the enemy. In those cases, the mothers were also looked down upon because the child proofed these mothers’ intimacies with the enemy. The children typically grew up with their mother, in a one-parent home. They knew their father was far away and difficult to get in contact with. They were conceived in times of war, and raised in times of post-war rebuilding. Not asking about the past, and assuming silence on matters deemed painful, was the norm. Dragojlovic (2015: 56) also notes how silence is honoured in relation to a family member’s trauma, and refers to duty and solidarity.
Voicu & Mochmann (2014) discern four dimensions of challenges children born of war are confronted with:socio-eceonomic, psychological, medical/biological,
political/juridicial. They review earlier literature and note how a mixture of various challenges is typically faced by children born of war. Some of these, which may also apply to the war love children, include: stigmatization, family rejection, secrecy about origin, being exposed to death threatens, lacking a clear identity, material deprivation and being abandoned/growing up outside of biological family (Voicu & Mochmann 2014: 190-191). In my study, I expect these effects to be stronger, because in comparison to
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some other children born of war the environment they grew up in was more hostile, their genetic background was more visible, and they grew up more detached from family. 2.5 Conclusion
By drawing comparisons to related fields and by cautiously considering similarities and differences, I have found some relevant indications for the current study. Secrecy and disclosure are both processes. The secret of the war love children is an excellent example of possible developments of those processes. Secrecy and taboos over children’s genetic heritage are related to several types of long-term risks for the children. I expect similar risks to appear among the war love children as well, because of similarities in the situation and because literature on children born of war also mentions these types of correlations. In comparison the adopted children and children conceived of by donor insemination, the war love children’s youth was under less favorable circumstances. Therefore, I expect some of these risks to be more pronounced and I anticipate finding additional risks as well. Shame and taboo were recurring topics in the related fields and for war love children those themes will also have a central role.
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3 PERCEPTION OF THE WAR LOVE CHILD’S PARENTS 3.3 Introduction
For Neeltje, herself a war love child, the secrecy around her father, impacted her life greatly. Her mother had explained how she and Neeltjes father, a Dutch soldier, lost contact when he returned to the Netherlands. Neeltje had put effort into finding her father and into building a relationship with him via mail. Many years later, she coincidentally found out the man she had been investing in, was not genetically her father. When she finally found her genetic father, he had already passed away of old age.
But I don’t blame my mother. She is a very sweet mother and... She is a mother who in fact [tears up]… offers her children a lot and that is… That is, to me, just such a… No, I cannot blame her. She passed away 50 years ago, and I am 70 years old now, so… So this is how much love I was given. And so, then you simply cannot become angry. Or enraged. No, not at all. (Neeltje)
Despite the trail of disappointment Neeltje has experienced, she emphasizes the
meaningful, intimate relationship she had with her mother and she expresses her utmost respect for her. If it hadn’t been for her positive perception of her mother, Neeltjes attitude may not have been quite as understanding over the course of events. How Neeltjes view on her mother guides her to the accepting attitude is an example of how descendants with a positive image of the war love child’s parents may be more forgiving narrators of the war love child’s story. As I will show in this chapter, descendants who lack such an image do not accept the situation as easily and openly.
In this chapter I further explore how descendants’ view of the matter of the war love child is shaped by the perception this descendant has of the war love child’s parents. The descendants’ perception of a war love child’s parent touches upon several fields. Those fields influence how the situation of the war love child is perceived as a whole. At the same time, these fields are also influenced by the perception as a whole. Additionally, these fields influence each other as well. The perception of the war love child’s parents forms the background against which the newly emerged information is regarded. From the interviews I deducted some of the dynamics associated with this. The fields I cover in this chapter are: initial response to emergence, the communication with war love
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child’s parent, perception of ethics and the feeling of being connected to the war love child and to the secret.
3.4 The emergence
From the perspective of the war love child’s paternal siblings, the relationship between the soldier and his descendants formed the backdrop against which the disclosure would take place. Some secrets could even have remained a secret, if the soldier had not had a good relationship with at least one of his descendants. In this section I focus on how a healthy relationship would contribute to the disclosure.
In several cases the secret of the war love child first emerged when the soldier’s children went through the soldier’s belongings after his death. Among his belongings, they would find something that leads to the discovery of the existence of war love child. This can be for example a letter or a picture. The relationship the descendants had with the soldier influences how they act in organizing the soldier’s belongings. In order for the secret to emerge via this route, someone had to go through the belongings to find the artefacts. These artefacts also had to be assessed closely enough to find and recognize the signal pointing at the war love child. Often some additional investigation was also required, although this was less necessary for descendants who were already better informed. When there was a troubled and flaky relationship with the deceased, the descendants may be less involved in the process. When there are multiple siblings it becomes easier for a detached sibling to keep some distance from this task. This happened in the case of my interviewee Gerrit. When Gerrit’s father passed away, it was up to Gerrit to go through the house. His only sibling had moved out long ago already, and even before that their mother had passed away.
In addition to influencing who is more involved, the relationship also influences how the descendants are involved. Soldiers were typically very discrete in how they kept their keepsakes from their war love child. Finding out about the war love child via the soldiers’ possessions often required a more meticulous sorting through belongings, and it required the descendant to have a level of sensitivity towards it. When Gerrit went through his father’s belongings after his father’s death, nothing emerged. However, years after his father’s death, his father’s sister passed away. Amongst his deceased aunt’s belongings, Gerrit found a picture of two little girls in a generic backyard. He noticed how one girl’s
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facial features were similar to that of his grandmother. None of his aunt’s children could tell him anything about the picture, and the picture did not appear to be a very meaningful picture. Nonetheless, he felt drawn to it and they let him keep it. Later he found out those two girls were his father’s war love children. He now deeply regrets having disposed of so many of the old pictures and letters they found.
Knowing the soldier and knowing the situation he was in, helps the descendants identify belongings that raise a flag. When children go through these belongings more
meticulously, they are also more likely to find keepsakes that act as silent witnesses. An example of this is, Gerrit taking the time to observe the children’s faces on the picture. Johan may have even been more meticulous in assessing his late father’s belongings. His father was into photography, and after his passing Johan gladly accepted a box full of his father’s negatives. Later on, Johan went through the entire box and stumbled upon a folder of printed pictures.
“So I got the negatives and then there was a folder with a few pictures, and those were pictures of the same woman. A folder with pictures amongst all the
negatives. Was it lost there, or had it been hidden? I don't know. They were studio photo's made by a well-known photographer in Malang. Somebody just had those photo's made of a woman, in a studio by a well-known photographer...? See, I don't just believe that’s all there is. I hadn't even noticed it yet myself, but then my wife came over and said: "that woman is expecting". (Johan)
Johan’s effort to keeping his father’s belongings that were not easily accessible, and to go through them one by one, led to the discovery of the secret. He may never have known if it hadn’t been for his interest in his father, his eye for detail and his
knowledge of the context. Descendants who were more interested in the soldier, were more meticulous and observant when it came to sorting through his items. They were better able to recognized clues.
Going through the deceased belongings may in turn influence the descendant’s opinion of the deceased. Better knowledge and understanding of a parent’s background, create a better understanding of who the parent was and why.
The process of emergence is influenced by the relationship between a descendant and the war love child parent. Descendants who had a closer bond with the war love child’s parent are more likely than other descendants to be involved with the process of the
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emerging secret. Some secrets could have remained hidden had the relationship between the soldier and all his children been poor. Especially soldiers who did not father other children besides the war love child, may have kept secrets that will never emerge. Thus, more stories of war love children may already have been taken into the grave.
3.5 The dialogue
The perception of the war love child’s parents also shaped what happened after the first appearance of the secret of the war love child. Not all descendants decided to obtain more information. Those who did, were faced with restrictions of what information they could retrieve.
Several of the soldiers’ descendants with a less close connection to the soldiers, refused to inform themselves of the matter. Peter’s sister had come across an ad in a magazine placed by the war love child who was looking for her father. There was no question this regarded the same man: the ad included his full name and a picture of her father and the war love child’s mother. Peter’s sister ignored it, and it wasn’t until the war love child and their father had been reunited that his sister told them she had seen the ad. For people who had a closer connection with their father, such as Peter, seeking more information was a more common choice.
When descendants are eager to learn more, and the war love child’s parents are still alive, they are a logical first step. Several war love child parents were willing to elaborate to their children to a certain extent. Descendants with a stronger tie were more engaged in this dialogue than their siblings. I mainly found how descendants with a less solid relationship simply did not come forward with questions. Another possible contribution may be how parents more easily confide in children they have a more positive
relationship with. Peter’s father was happy to finally be able share his past with someone, and he enthusiastically told Peter all he watned to know. One reason may be they are more easily confided in, because of the pre-existing relationship. They may also have approached the matter in a more respectful manner. For those reasons, asking about the matter may have been more positive compared to when other siblings asked similar questions.
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events. Some of these dialogues were even frequent, in depth, detailed and intimate. Those dialogues could further nurture the closeness of the father child bond. Children with a less close bond were less confided in and took less initiative to having this dialogue.
When the war love child parents have already passed away at the time of the disclosure, a spoken dialogue is no longer an option. Their passing, and the passing away of other friends and relatives who were confided in, is a main constraint faced by descendants eager to learn more. Even then, there was a similar effect in the ‘dialogue’ they had with the artefacts they found. A closer bond with the father facilitated a better dialogue, because they knew better what artefacts to look for, where to look for them, and what to look for in them. Furthermore, a closer bond meant more likeliness to have access to these artefacts. The children with a closer bond also acted protective over these artefacts and as such became a gatekeeper of the secret. Influence on perception of war love child parent
Additionally, the connection with the soldier was also strengthened by learning more about the war love child. Gerrit’s father was a very introvert man, who did not share his experiences
3.6 Ethics
All war love child parents were involved with taboos and with behaviour that violates certain norms. Descendants who had a less positive perception of the war love child parent had little incentive to extensively consider this. However, the descendants who had a positive perception of the war love child parents, faced incongruence. Rationally, there were a few possible solutions to this incongruence. Either, their image of a righteous, well meaning and respectable war love child parent was incorrect. My descendants had an overall positive perception of the war love child’s parents. In fact, they spontaneously emphasized the positive characteristics and traits of the war love child parents.
Descriptions of the war love child parents included dutiful, caring, loyal, honest, righteous, and selfless. Two soldiers were also explicitly noted not to have been
womanizers. The descriptions seem to contrast an image of the war love child’s parents as mindless and lustful egoistic rebels. For descendants with a positive perception, there were two other solutions to the congruence of highly valued and respected people
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involved in reprehensive behaviour: the behaviour was not unethical, or the war love child parent had no choice.
For many participants, the stories on the foundation’s website showed them a wider range of situations than merely their own. This sensitized them to see the things their war love child parents had done right, or at least had not done as wrong as some others. When soldier Cor admitted the existence of a war love child to his daughter Paulina, he also told her how he had bought the two of them a place to live in Indonesia, so they wouldn’t be left with nothing after his departure. Paulina feels it is terrible Cor left the war love child and the war love child’s mother, but she also emphasizes this effort to contribute. The foundation made her more aware of how unique his act was, and she takes a certain pride in that.
For Anna, the stories made her aware of the unethical acts that did not apply to her father Willem. Her father was single at the time and he had not consciously walked out on pregnant woman, as he had already left when the war love child mother found out she was pregnant. The one bad thing she comes up with is that he was sexually involved with a woman without being married. But she isn’t shocked by this either: while it was
frowned upon at the time, serial monogamy is now much more accepted. The real scandals, in her opinion, are cases of lost children that finally come knocking on their parents’ door but get sent away. By the time Anna and her sister Irene discovered each others’ existence, their father had already passed away. This real scandal of the turned down child never happened to Irene.
The second solution to the incongruence was a focus on the power of the context. The most striking mention of this in the interview is with Anna. I further explored Anna’s statement against the rejection of a ‘lost’ child. A few years after discovering Irene, Anna and her siblings were approached by Jack, who turned out to be another formerly unknown paternal sibling of theirs. In contrast to Irene, Jack had been in touch with their father once before, but was turned down by him. I asked Anna how she viewed this, considering her earlier explicit rejection of turning down a child. Anna’s response is twofold. First she confirms her own struggle with this, but she then explains how Jack does not hold a grudge against their father over it (which I will discuss more in chapter 4). Secondly, she elaborates on the situation her father was in at the time. It was clear at
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the time that Jack was doing alright, and their father was stuck in their busy family life. Additionally, she believes he had to keep the lost son a secret or jeopardize his
relationship with her mother and the fragile relationship with her mother’s family. This shows how descendants’ assessment of unethical behaviour is not just based on a rigid view of ethics. By putting thought into the context, the focus can be shifted from a micro level to a more macro level. This new focus on the larger structure an individual was in, helps to understand and forgive what initially seems to be reprehensible behaviour. Johan’s focus made a similar shift towards the context. Unlike Anna’s father, his father was married and knew of the pregnancy he was leaving behind. John considered the situation his father was in with John’s mother and with the war love child’s mother. He concluded his parents’ arranged marriage meant little at the time, and the relationship with the war love child’s mother may have meant quite a lot. His parents came from wildly different backgrounds, and had quite an age gap between them. They married before his father’s departure, because it meant his wages would increase. Their union always puzzled John. According to John’s understand, his parents’ union was not
emotionally satisfying to his father at the time. On paper, it seems his father shared more with the war love child’s mother, in terms of cultural background and age. He believes their connection was not purely physical but also emotional. The second contextual factor John shared, was how he believes his father viewed monogamy. His father was of Indisch descent and in his family, extramarital relationships and children were more accepted. John beliefs monogamy may not have been all that relevant to his father at the time, and how he beliefs his father may have underestimate how much it meant to John’s mother.
Having a positive perception of the war love child’s parents leads to incongruence when negatively assessed behaviour emerges. Unethical behaviour was evaluated more
positively by descendants who had a more positive perception of the war love child parents. Those descendants were most motivated to come to a positive verdict, and they were better equipped to do so. Descendants in this position came to terms with the unethical behaviour firstly by revaluating how unethical the behaviour was. Secondly, they focused more on the larger picture and on the contextual factors. In order to focus on the context, the context had to be known or had to be reconstructed.
25 3.7 Connecting
Descendants’ sense of connectedness to the war love child also relates to descendants’ view of the war love child. In turn, the connectedness correlates to the perception of the war love child’s parents.
Peter described the mixed responses his father received when he finally told Peter and his siblings of their war love child sibling.
It did not interest my eldest brother, nor my sister. My youngest brother, and I still reproach him for that, said: "What do I care where my father puts his seed in!", that is literally what he said. (Peter)
Peter was the only one of the siblings to feel connected, and to him it was an immediate and overwhelming experience.
Descendants who felt close to their war love child parent and who had a positive perception seemed far less likely to make similar statements. For them, it was incomprehensible to reduce the conception to a single meaningless moment in their father’s past. The descendants who were closer with their father felt more related because they felt close to their father and thus, by extension, also to his past. Additionally, they were more informed. Because they felt connected with the case, they also sought to be come even more informed over time.
Descendants with a less positive image of the war love child’s parents, did not relate to the war love child itself, nor did they feel involved with the situation surrounding the war love child. As discussed, these descendants were typically already less informed at the time of the disclosure, but they also remained less informed throughout the rest of the process.
Several participants noted a desire to bond with relatives. One participant had few
relatives she felt close with and she felt in need of expanding that. Others simply enjoyed family. Some were also more interested in having paternal relatives in part because of their love for their father.
For the siblings less close to the soldier I cannot make statement on this, because it is very personal and I would be relying on second hand reports. What I found in my group, is that a desire to bond can be suppressed, and I imagine this may be the case for some of the siblings with a less close bond.
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Descendants with a closer bond with the war love child’s parents were more positive over the war love child. These descendants’ felt more closely related to the war love child and had a more positive experience when meeting them.
3.8 Conclusion
Overall, a positive perception of the war love child’s parents correlates to a positive perception of the war love child itself. The underlying dynamics are intricate. Because there are different paths, the correlation seems to be universal, although the specific route of the correlation differs. The routes through which the correlation takes place are also dependent on other factors, and how strongly certain routes of correlation apply to the descendants varies. Descendants with a positive perception of the war love child parents, were better informed on the war love child parents prior to the disclosure, were more closely involved with the disclosure, and felt more connected to the matter. As a result, they engaged in a more active and more fruitful process of further obtained additional information. They were also more understanding of the situation of the war love child and had a more positive experience in meeting the war love child and the war love child parent.
Many of the underlying correlations reinforce each other. Descendants who have a positive perception of the parent, know the parent better and respond more positively. Because they are more positive about the war love child, they engage more in the matter and learn more of the matter. By learning more of the matter, they start to understand the parent better and thus reinforce their positive perception of the parent.
Keep in mind that while certain processes reinforced itself and thus led to some polarisation, not all descendants were part of one of the extremes of this spectrum.
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4 PERCEPTION OF THE STORY 4.1 Introduction
Johan told me how his father never spoke of the independence war of the Netherlands East Indies, but after some searching he managed to get some details.
I went to the national archives and found the diary of my father’s commander. My father is mentioned in it as well. What I found most appealing to read was how the commander writes about my fathers cottage, located somewhere inland. And if you had gone out on patrol, or on a mission, and you passed by my fathers place: his door was always open. You were always welcome. There was always good food, and good conversation.
Johan started his search with a picture he found and a shimmer of hope, but after years of ceaseless persistence, he is rewarded with little more than a mention in another man’s diary. Not all stories are granted with a happy ending. As Goodall (2005: 497) put it: “A well-told story brings with it a sense of fulfillment and of completion. But we don’t always inherit that sense of completion. We too often inherit a family’s unfinished business, and when we do, those incomplete narratives are given to us to fulfill.” In this chapter I explore how the descendants’ perception of the story of the war love child relates to the view of the entire matter of the war love child? In this chapter, I categorize the dynamics under taboos, collateral damage & collateral gain, bonding and storytelling.
4.2 Taboos
All descendants mentioned taboos in the story. The sense of shame and the negativity associated with the taboos also reflected in the descendants’ perception of the story. There is a variety of taboos that emerged in the cases and how problematic these taboos are could change over time. Extra marital sexual activity was a taboo at the time, but descendants express little problems with this taboo in itself, because it is no longer problematic and because they found it understandable. The occurrence of a pregnancy was deemed normal at the time and failure to prevent this was not mentioned to be problematic to the participants.
The context of the sexual activity played a central role, but the effect changed over time. A serious, emotional and long term relationship had a more positive impact on how the
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story was viewed nowadays, in comparison to a more fleeting, casual, and mainly physical interaction. That is a contrast with the situation at the time. Ethnic and religious differences more or less outruled an approved marriage. A fleeting contact could be forgiven and waved away, but a relationship was problematic. Those differences are not a current concern to the descendants. Infidelity had a negative impact on how the story was viewed, but this was mediated by how well the infidelity could be understood and how well the taboo could be invalidated.
Taboos that persisted over time are the taboo of deception in romance and the taboo of deserting one’s children. This includes: infidelity; making romantic promises and then suddenly breaking off contact; deserting a child physically, emotionally and financially; being dishonest in a relationship. All these taboos had in themselves a negative impact on the perception of the story, but this effect could also be mediated by successfully
invalidating the taboo.
In general, taboos had a negative impact on how the story was perceived. Paulina
defended her father several times from accusations, but now she is fed up with it and has decided to let people just think what they will.
Interviewee Paulina: Some people just quickly have their own opinion ready without thinking any further than what they already know. And that is a shame. (…). And I had this in my environment as well, that I mention something, or like that time when I was on the radio about it for an interview. And then it’s like ‘oh.. well…!’ It is like they immediately have a verdict on how my father…
Interviewer: How he enjoyed himself?
Interviewee Paulina: Yes, and without knowing a single thing about the circumstances. But I dont really care about all that. Because then I think like, I just don’t feel like explaining everything about all that stuff.
While in general taboos in the stories had a negative impact on how the stories were perceived, the taboos could also indirectly have a positive influence on how the story was perceived. One common practice to invalidate a taboo was by emphasizing how different the situation was. In doing so, the descendants were more compelled to share a detailed description. Descendants emphasized the restrictions: the war love child’s parents’ bleak youth, the prudish Dutch society, and the obedience driven hierarchy. They also
emphasized the naivety of the soldiers, the traumatizing dangers, and the unexpected romance. The cultural differences were also emphasized: the mysteriously exotic setting,
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the unchartered sexual freedom, and the attraction of the darker skinned girls. These additions to the storytelling made for a more vivid story and it had an intriguing effect on listeners.
How strong the influence of these taboos was on the perception of the story differed. Some taboos were less shocking to the descendants. Several descendants had already suspected and accepted a specific taboo long before the disclosure. The revelation of those taboos had therefore little impact on how the stories were viewed. The extramarital child didn’t come as a big surprise to descendants who had already assumed their father would have been sexually active there. In those cases, the taboo of extramarital sexual activity had little or no impact. In Peter’s family, the most problematic taboo was how his father had cheated his mother of the truth. His mother was stupefied and appalled by this decade long secrecy, especially since she had once explicitly asked him about this before their marriage. While he hadn’t lied to her then, he had consciously denied her the truth. Neither Peter nor his siblings had anticipated this either and so they all understood her shock over this.
How strongly the taboo influence the perception of the story depended on how the descendant viewed the taboo. Ultimately, all types of taboos could somehow be invalidated to a certain extent. Invalidation required some effort into investigating the situation and some effort into serious attempts at empathizing with the different actors. To some, this came more natural than to others. Whether these efforts were invested, and whether the invalidation was sufficient for the descendant him or herself, was in turn also dependent on the pre-existing perception of the story.
Taboos that were successfully invalidated could have a positive effect on the perception of the story, because it enticed descendants to tell a more engaging story.
4.3 The ripples the war love child’s parents set in motion and collateral gain
When the romance, the child and/or the secrecy led to suffering, the story was typically perceived more negatively. Peter’s mother developed serious emotional problems
because of the shock regarding her husband’s deception of her. Her struggle strengthened Peter’s siblings’ resentment over the war love child. In another case, Irene’s position as a war love child was also burdening. For her, it led to an unfortunate youth. She grew up not knowing either one of her parents and after having lived with her aunt for a while as a
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baby, she ended up being adopted into a strict household that she gladly left at age 18. Her negative stance towards the matter clearly emerges from the interview I had with her paternal sister. Irene doesn’t speak much of her youth and background as war love child. She did not pursue finding her parents and she only expresses a mild interest in them. These negative developments following the war love child situation weighed the story down and negatively influenced the perception of the story.
But not every descendants’ perception was equally negatively influenced by this
collateral damage. This is portrayed by both Peter and Irene’s paternal sister Anna. Peter was truly saddened to see the pain his mother went through. Therefore, did his best to keep her at bay from his own interest and enthusiasm towards the war love child. But in time, his mother overcame her heartache. She even encouraged Peter’s father to do what she believed was the right thing: to bond with his war love child daughter; to make
amends with the war love child’s mother; and to formally acknowledge the war love child as his daughter. When Peter told me about the road his mother had taken, he was filled with pride and admiration for her.
Just as for Peter, the acceptance of the ‘victim’ of the damage formed the base for Anna’s overall positive evaluation. Irene isn’t bothered much by her cumbersome youth anymore and she is also grateful of her adoption parents. Irene’s marriage was loving and happy, and her life was satisfying and rich. Anna regrets Irene’s hardship, but Irene doesn’t get worked up over it and therefore Anna doesn’t either. Hardship also occurred in the case of their other paternal sibling from yet another union (more elaborately described in chapter 3). This sibling, Jack, was in a similar position when he met Anna. As with Irene, Anna regrets the situation Jack was in. In Jack’s situation, Anna feels her father didn’t do him justice, from a moral perspective. She knows Jack has an understanding and
forgiving attitude towards their father over it, and so Anna does to.
These three cases show how descendants have a more positive view on the story if the people most negatively impacted by the story have also come to terms. The acceptance provides a sense of closure and thus forms a happy ending to the story.
4.4 Bonding
The descendants who found their lost relatives end their story with how their relationship with the lost relatives developed to where it is currently.
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Some descendants were immediately enthusiastic about meeting the lost relatives and about bonding with them. This type of welcoming attitude supported a nurturing first contact. Descendants indicated several motivations for bonding with the lost relatives. In chapter 3 I already described how feeling more related to the war love child, had a positive impact on bonding. Several of my participants noted their love for family as a reason to pursue bonding. Justice related motivations were noted in several forms. One of those motivations relate to anyone’s right to know their parents. Descendants attempted to contribute to that by searching for the lost descendants and by facilitating their siblings understanding of their shared parent. Another justice related motivation was because of the perceived risk of hardship of war love children. Some descendants had become aware of the perilous situation their sibling may have been in and felt distressed by that thought. The thought they may somehow support heir sibling encouraged them and they hoped this could somehow alleviate some of the injustice done to them. One noted he felt it was his own right to know his siblings. The war love child and the war love child’s
descendants, mainly hoped connecting with their lost (grand)father or his relatives would provide them with a sense of closure and understanding of their own position and
identity.
In addition to setting of first contact, the developments of the contact was shaped by other factors. The most important requirement for successful bonding was the reciprocity of the intentions. In one case, the desire to create a family like contact was not mutual. While these siblings are still within reach of each other and despite being on positive terms with each other, they never built a steady and meaningful contact with each other. Anna was able to compare the relationships her siblings all had amongst each other and came to conclude contact thrived better on a more similar cultural background and a shorter travel distance from each other. What sets the war love children’s more intimate sibling
matches apart from less intimate ones, are a personal click and a mutual effort towards each other.
When the bonding was positive and successful, this also added to a positive perception of the story. When Leo and his brother first heard of their war love child sister, his brother was somewhat averse of the matter. This brother had some grudges towards their father, but while he didn’t share Leo’s enthusiasm, he agreed to meet the war love child
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nonetheless. As the siblings’ contact solidified and stabilized, Leo’s brother became more accepting of the situation. During that time, their father passed away as well, which may also have contributed to his acceptance.
The correlation between a troubled bond with a war love child parent and a negative impact on the perception of the story, may become less present once this war love child parent is no longer around. When war love child siblings bond with non war love child siblings, they also become more educated on the different positions people were in. This also contributed to a positive perception of the story. Overall, a better bonding experience had a positive influence on the perception of the story.
When there was a negative perception of the story, people were less inclined to bond with the newly found relative. For those who were positive about the story, the bonding
formed the happy ending to the story of secrecy.
The bonding itself also influenced the perception story. When the descendants and the newly found sibling got along well and formed a relationship, the story was deemed more positive.
4.5 Storytelling
None of my participants seemed to have personal issues with sharing their story with me, nor with others. The descendants participating in my study could be crudely divided into two groups. Either they thought the story was wonderful and amazing and enjoyed sharing it. Or otherwise they were not necessarily enthusiastic about the story itself, but had become very practiced in the storytelling, because it was essential to their search for the lost relative(s). However, among the non-participating descendants there were also those with a far more avoidant attitude. Among Peter’s siblings the different attitude caused a clash. From the moment he knew of his war love child sister, he shared his enthusiasm with others. His siblings preferred to hide and ignore it, which led to a dispute when Peter referred to it in his father’s eulogy. His siblings tried to get him to conform to their preference of discretion, but Peter refused to do so out of loyalty and respect to his late father and to his war love child sister. To his siblings the war love child story was a skeleton in the closet that needed to remain hidden, but to Peter connecting with his war love child sister Lucia and her family, meant an enrichment of his life.
