Procrastination

But apparently there is a mismatch, and, notwithstanding the efforts from the University, the reticence in considering mental states as a good reason for delay is an issue.

the momentary mood, overburdened by anxiety, but at the same time "confirming" in a sense the initial thought of not being able and re-triggering the overthinking. And over again.

“And the thoughts and the feelings you have when you work and when you… I realized that I'm constantly saying to myself, ‘I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm too late. I am already behind.’ Just catastrophizing or something… like this insanely unrealistic hard way of relating to myself when I am studying. So that's sort of the big thing, that's how I eventually get things done is by fighting that voice, but it's hard work, you know, and it's still hard work and I've done it. I have to go through this process every time.”

The approach of a deadline causes production stress, and exacerbating the productivity aspect is counterproductive, as it increases the anxiety and emotional burden attributed to the passage of time.

“I remember having that issue. In bachelors a lot. That I was missing deadlines. So it wasn't the pandemic yet. But it was I think, just being very stressed about being productive is like a kind of an obsession. And then it's hard because sometimes it's not possible because there's too much going on in your head. That's how I kind of understood it at some point. But I don't know.”

The reason for pressure on productivity is the disproportionately pumped expectations on self. What is jammed is the relationship of self to self, as if study and performance were the occasion of this alteration. The knowledge that failing to meet them will trigger a negative judgment of yourself, thus causes procrastination, experiencing procrastination as failure, when in fact it is a dysfunctional coping method with the emotional load created by performance.

“[...] also in the last semester I kind of gave up already. I could have made it probably but I felt it was too little time to finish and I never did this before. In my bachelor I was always kind of late but I always finished on time. But then I kind of felt ‘I still need more time’ because I failed once...

which was not really failing, framing it as failure makes it worse than it is.

when passed a certain amount of time and I have, let's say, a week or four\three days left I feel I can't do it properly anymore, or perfectly.”

Procrastination is a mechanism that can work. It can be functional and there are people who work well under the pressure of a small amount of time, when anxiety does not take over.

However, it is a fragile mechanism, and while in a moment of relative mental calm it is sustainable, in a moment of emotional overload it can become overwhelmingly paralyzing.

“For some people it's like ‘Just do it’ you know, they don't understand how much... I couldn't write my thesis, that's why I'm so behind. Just the anxiety to get started. M. literally had to sit with me and help me write my first paragraph. I couldn't do it… he said ‘Ok sit down I'm gonna give you two hours’ I wrote five sentences in those two hours and I needed someone to just tell me ‘you can do it, what you have to say matters, it's important and... just keep writing’. I need that sort of motivation, I can't have someone tell me ‘what's wrong with you why can't you do that?’, because that triggers my anxiety even more.”

"Why aren't you doing it?" becomes a refrain that exemplifies the other person's posture, fuels fear of judgment, loneliness, and the possibility of asking for help. But, as the excerpt above shows, help from someone unrelated to the task at hand can be crucial. Procrastination is the hardest thing to explain, precisely because a simple question is not answered. As can be seen from the words used, the "why" question immediately triggers a defensive and intolerant reaction. While possessing within oneself the awareness of procrastination, and it is always so, one does not tolerate it in the words of others. It becomes unbearable for others to notice that you are procrastinating and point it out to you as if it were just a matter of unwillingness.

“You know, like, there are people in my life that are never going to understand. I've had friends that made comments, like, ‘Why aren't you doing it? What's wrong with you? You're procrastinating.’ You know, that's one comment that I hate that people tell me: ‘You're procrastinating’. And I'm like, f*ck you, thanks for the positivity. You have no idea how much I'm fighting to not have to procrastinate. And so I try to procrastinate positively, whatever that means.”

Everyone in their own way tries to live with the knowledge that they are procrastinating, but the immobility caused by this vicious cycle is all-consuming.

“And also in stressful periods is also the anxiety that plays a role as in that, just little things can be very stressful, you know, like, getting an email and I will be very stressed in like, a split second.”

Something as simple and everyday as an email, received or to be sent, is loaded with the emotional and symbolic weight as a reminder of procrastination and interface with the productive world that one is ignoring to avoid its anxious bearing. The symptomatic manifestation of the stalemate caused by procrastination can be very heavy as panic attacks.

“When I did my bachelor thesis and I had my panic attacks I couldn't do anything, I was just sitting there trying to calm myself down, but I couldn't really work.”

Procrastinating on one thing becomes totalizing and encompasses all the activities of life, which are not done or enjoyed. In the name of the great "To Do," which although not addressed still occupies most thoughts, guilt encroaches on leisure time.

“For me, missing deadlines, and doing what I'm supposed to be doing for uni then cuts into my leisure time because I had plans with friends to go for a walk and now I can't because I'm behind the uni work. And so it sort of started to spiral down where now I literally have no free time because I've been procrastinating having to do something I know I should have been doing for uni. So for me, it's been more like, losing my leisure time because I've been procrastinating on something I'm supposed to be doing.”

These feelings of crippling anxiety are systematically expressed as a condition of dysfunctionality. This is kind of the other side of the productivity coin: you have to be an organism capable of functioning and producing even in situations of extreme stress. In fact, complaining is often expressed in terms of something "broken," as a machine can fail to function.

“I'm fighting everyone on, hey, this is the way that I am because of circumstances, not just because of my genetics. [...] And it's something that

I'm fighting to just be okay with myself, because I realized that I can tell my roommate that I didn't do anything today and she's just gonna say ‘Well, you procrastinated’ instead of ‘Well, you know, you got up today’. There's just things that people are not going to understand. To me, that's what's most difficult is that other people just don't get that there's days where I just, I can't function, and that's okay. But that's where I'm fighting. It's like how can I try to fight my own when I have to fight society on it right?”

There is an awareness that the factors that produce the stalemate are circumstantial and not something written in the genes, and in trying to find one's way to be productive without being overwhelmed, external pressure is an obstacle. Those who do not experience it do not understand how much psychophysical effort small gestures like getting out of bed require, and every emphasis placed on "failing" adds to the heaviness of the vicious cycle.

Procrastination cracks one's relationship with time, with one's work and with oneself, to the point of stalling all one's activities and isolating oneself socially to avoid having to explain oneself.