Psychological insight: the story of The Doctor

all the struggles I had had with chilliness, as well as the struggles I have had with struggling, all made sense." (The Doctor, 2011, p. 2)

The storyteller describes a moment of realization where he regresses to one of the defining moments in his life and decodes the meaning behind his suffering. He describes having the realization for his weeping all those years back was he had been left alone crying, and he was shouting "non-verbally": "I am cold." As this realization came to him, he continued to reflect upon how this event had become a "core memory," and once it was recalled and understood, he held his "infant self with compassion," saying, "I'm sorry you were cold. I'll take care of you."

In his own words,

"(…) I laid there with my adult self, holding my infant self with compassion, comforting him and saying "I'm so sorry you were cold, don't worry, I'll take care of you, let me warm you up now" and I felt my wounded core start

to heal and integrate." (The Doctor, 2011, p. 2)

After this moment of psychological breakthrough, a sense of boundlessness ensued. Through the music within the ceremony, he began to blur the boundaries between himself and the world.

The confines of the ritual space began to expand to include the environmental sounds in the atmosphere within their musical logic. He describes rising above among the stars, seeing every planet circling the suns and stars circling their galaxies. He saw clusters of stars spinning around each other, where each revolution was a pulse, in a vibration, in a note, in a song, that lasted billions of years. He claims to have heard the music of the spheres. The music from the ritual space became a microcosm of the universal beat that encompassed the universe and in the same way, the boundaries between his own self and the world started to dilute as well,

everything as a reflection of different aspects of myself, at one with the universe." (The Doctor, 2011, p. 3)

The storyteller recounts how there was no difference between "out there" and "in here".

Through the sounds that surrounded him, he blurred the boundaries between his awareness of the world and the world itself; they were an interdependent reflection of each other. At that moment, where the boundaries between subject and object were blurred, he felt like a "new-born baby" seeing the world for the first time, seeing everything as different aspects of himself and "at one with the universe."

"In here," "out there," what is the difference? The Doctor wonders as he listens to a train whistle pass by. There is no difference, he realizes suddenly; he is aware of both. He ends his story by stating the experience's narrative is just the tip of the iceberg, the extend of which is impossible to describe in words. Furthermore, he feels deeply healed.

4.1.4.1 A deep healing: analysis of The Doctor

The Doctor's narrative titled "Deep healing in the Hurl-and-Whirl" was chosen because it is a story that relates environmental sounds, an aspect of the setting, in relation with the attainment of insight and gnosis. The concepts used to describe the moment of psychological insight and the mystical-type experience were both illustrations of infanthood. On the one hand, a struggling baby who is finally comforted by his adult self, and on the other, a newborn baby who experiences the world for the first time.

At the outset of his narrative, he described issues related to his infancy and how he always felt chilly. The ayahuasca experience takes him to visit a core memory where he realizes his unmet needs as a baby were related to being cold. This "core memory" had defined him and the moment of insight comes as he decodes the meaning behind his weeping. Then he realizes he is no longer a powerless baby, and he can meet his own needs. He holds himself with compassion and warms himself up. After that, his "wounded core started to heal and integrate."

This was one of the clearest examples of a psychological breakthrough in the dataset through an ayahuasca experience.

Once the moment of personal insight has taken place, he has a moment of dissolution with his environment through his sense of hearing. He is taken on a journey to outer space where he

contemplates the movement of stars, clusters, and galaxies as one big symphony with harmony and meaning. Back to the ritual space, he could understand the drumming and chanting of the ceremony as a microcosm of this grand opus.

From the root of his individuality to the largest scale of being, his experience ultimately brought the transcendental notion that "outside" and "inside" were terms that could be surpassed. He felt unified with his surroundings and reborn to see the world as part of himself. Where before he felt lonely and cold, he now felt communion with the surrounding cosmos.

The meaning the practitioner ascribes to both the mystical-type experience and the psychological insight is found in the story's title: "deep healing". He appears to have found the root of a personal struggle and builds his meaning-making of the ayahuasca experience around its ecstatic resolution.