Fathers, daughters, and arranged marriages

Nineteenth-century missionary literature usually scorned arranged Toba Batak marriage as a social evil leading to pressure on a daughter to marry someone she did not want. This was indeed the dark side of the practice of arranged marriage. On the other hand, an arranged marriage could work out reasonably well for a father and his daughter if they took the each others’ interests and preferences to heart.

To some extent, child betrothal fostered the compliance of a daughter to her father’s wishes.

When fathers wished to become each other’s affines or continue an existing marital alliance between the marga⁴⁹, or if a parboru had become indebted, a betrothal could be arranged when a girl was still very young.⁵⁰ A man could even negotiate a marriage contract before a daughter was born, which would become effective after his wife had given birth to a girl.⁵¹ A betrothal was made legal by the payment of an advance of the brideprice by the bridetaker and an ulos gift from the parboru.⁵² On the occasion of the betrothal of an unborn girl, the village rajas of both parties received a small compensation for the name-giving of the girl at birth (Salomo 1938:108). Boys were also sometimes betrothed and married at a young age. Missionary Warneck, who worked on the island of Samosir in the 1890s before its incorporation into the residency of Tapanuli, reported that some of his pupils who were sons of local rajas were already married (Warneck 1894b:28).

A betrothed girl was not supposed to associate freely with young men other than her fiancé. She was ‘taken’, as is colourfully expressed in the following saying: ‘one cannot get hold of the hind leg of a horse’.⁵³ If another young man showed interest in her, he risked being beaten up by the youngsters of the village (Dorpstuchtrecht 1928:86). The wedding usually took place not long after the betrothed girl had her first menstruation and after her teeth were filed (manghihir).

This was also the normal rite de passage for boys, indicating they had come of age and could start courting a girl.⁵⁴

A girl was not necessarily unhappy with her betrothal. If her fiancé was her cross-cousin, she had good reason to be happy about it, because her mother-in-law would be her aunt, whom

49 Marriages between the anak namboru and boru ni tulang (cross-cousin marriage) were often arranged. Nasution 1943:45; Sherman 1987:871; similarly for the Karo Batak (Kipp 1986:640).

50 KITLV, Korn, OR 435, 417. Beberapa adat Batak dahoeloe-kala, jang dipakai didalam satu negeri ketjil [n.y.]. p. 2.;

Vergouwen [1933] 1964:185. Missionary Brakensiek claimed that it was quite common for girls to be betrothed soon after birth, referring to Samosir in the early twentieth century (VEM F/b 2,1 Ref. Brakensiek 1911: 2).

51 The term for a girl betrothed before birth was boru tapang (Vergouwen [1933] 1964:190).

52 The term for an advance on the brideprice was patujolo ni sinamot. A contract for the betrothal of a four-year-old girl, for which her father received such an advance and gave the paranak a field as ‘seat of the girl’ (hundulan ni boru) in KITLV, Adatrechtstichting H 1051, 82: Soerat Perjdjandjian 20-2-1927 contracted at the Higher Court of Tarutung.

53 For proverbs about engaged girls see Patik 1899 [tr. Boer 1921:81]; Vergouwen [1933] 1964:168).

54 Brenner 1894:247; Guillaume 1903:11; 13-14; Vergouwen [1933] 1964:165.

she already knew (Ruhut 1898 [tr. Meerwaldt 1905:124]). The aunt probably would have eyed her since she was young and, if pleased with her, been nice to her. This promised a good start for the young bride, as generally the relationship between a mother- and a daughter-in-law had great potential for tension, because the women would live in the same house, where the mother-in-law was the senior woman and demanded deference. The close relationship also contained a risk, as the author of Ruhut perceptively pointed out, because the problems would be worse if the women quarrelled. Marrying a cross-cousin could also mitigate the alienating effect of patrilocal residence for a young woman, if her husband was a member of an in-living boru. She would leave her father’s house but still live in the same village, close to her mother and other relatives. A cross-cousin marriage could also benefit the girl from a material point of view. The paddy field once given as a bridegift to her aunt might one day become hers if the aunt could no longer cultivate it herself.

A father sometimes had to go to great lengths to persuade his daughter to accept the marriage he had arranged for her. In the myth of the origin of mankind, Soripada said to Batara Guru: ‘persuade your daughter’, after Si Boru Surbajati had disappeared and had to be replaced by her sister Si Boru Deak Parujar. Neither girl was happy with the prospect of marrying the ugly Raja EndaEnda, but they could not easily get out of it. The pressure put upon Si Boru Deak Parujar by her father and brothers was psychological: she was warned that if she refused the marriage, the whole family would be sold into slavery, a horrible fate. There were several other reasons why a girl would be unwilling to go along with an arranged marriage. For example, she might have a boyfriend, or dislike her fiancé because he was an old man.⁵⁵ If she had been spoken for by her cousin, she would have a particularly difficult time evading the marriage, because such a betrothal was more difficult to dissolve than a betrothal with someone else (De Haan 1875:44).

A father had various strategies at his disposal to make his daughter comply with an arranged marriage. He might first try to persuade her to accept his choice with a gift of land.

If that did not work, he could put psychological pressure on her, arguing that he would not only lose face, but also have to return the advance on the brideprice and pay a fine for breaking off the engagement. If she continued to resist, he could pronounce a curse intended to cause barrenness, which could be lifted only by supernatural means (Vergouwen [1933] 1964: 227).

If all this did not have the desired effect, he might resort to extreme methods, such as beating her up or withholding food. He could also carry on with the marriage, betting that she would come around. This was risky, as she might sing to him the following morning: ‘the exhortations of my father I have forgotten after one night of gondang music!’⁵⁶ Her enraged father might then decide to put her in the block, throw stinging red ants on her and tell her that he would keep her there until she conceived.⁵⁷ If her newly-wed husband was willing ‘to keep her company’, while she was held captive, the father would reward him with an ulos (woven cloth) as a token of his

55 KITLV, Adatrechtstichting H 1051, 81, Vonnis Kleine Rapat Moeara, no. 122 (strafzaken), 30-10-1926; Vonnis Groote Rapat Sidikalang (civiel) no. 4, 13-7-1926. Missionary Th. Dannert (1922:71-72) told a story of a sixteen-year-old girl in Marbun who was married to a sixty-year-old man and hanged herself.

56 This refers to the traditional orchestra that livened up the night preceding the wedding party.

57 Schreiber 1876:267; (Ruhut 1898 [tr. Meerwaldt 1904/5:122]). To put a defiant daughter (mahilolong) in the block was apparently still done on Samosir in 1918 (KITLV, Adatrechtstichting H 1051 80 II, Civiel Vonnis Kleine Rapat 17-6-1918, Pangoeroeran). Köhler (1913:18) wrote about Habinsaran, that unwilling women were raped in order to make them pregnant, because the Batak said ‘as soon as she has a child, she will not run away anymore’, for love of the child.

Dannert (1922:71) freed a girl whose feet were closely tied with an iron chain and lock (in modern times!).

blessing. How things worked out depended on the mental strength of the girl: either she would eventually give in and settle for married life, or her father had to arrange for a divorce, because he could not stand to see her suffer any longer.

Several sources demonstrate that such harsh treatment did not always serve the intended purpose. Van Asselt (1906:135) drew a vivid picture of a girl in utter distress because she was forced to marry an old man. She ran to Van Asselt’s house hoping to find refuge there. The missionary withheld his protection, as he felt he had no right to supersede her father’s authority.

He allowed her brothers to take her away, hands and feet tied. Despite this, she managed to put up a hell of a fight, biting off the thumb of one of her brothers on the way back home. She was put in the block, suffering the mockery of her female relatives. After a few days, she promised to be obedient and was set free. In no time she fled the house, ran to the river, and drowned herself.

Other missionaries also mentioned examples of extreme forms of coercion followed by suicide of the girl.⁵⁸ Colonial officials, who were generally less involved in Batak family life than the missionaries, reported similar cases.⁵⁹ The suicide of young girls who had been forced to marry remained a matter of concern until the end of the colonial period.⁶⁰ Heavy pressure on sons to consent to an arranged marriage, on the other hand, seems to have occurred less often, reflecting the greater say they had in their choice of spouse compared to daughters.⁶¹

Sometimes a father was brought to his senses by the abnormal behaviour of his daughter.

Missionary Brakensiek reported that young girls suddenly became possessed out of sheer stress over a planned marriage, or they threatened openly to commit suicide if compelled to marry.⁶² Faced with such a reaction, the father might be willing to count his losses and call off the engagement, afraid he would otherwise lose his daughter.⁶³ This at least left him the option to marry her off to someone else. Another strategy a bride might use was to be completely passive during the first nights of marriage, making her inexperienced husband afraid to have sex with her.⁶⁴ She could then use his impotence as a reason for divorce without her father losing face (Vergouwen [1933] 1964:193).

The majority of daughters probably agreed more or less willingly to the marriage arranged for them, and fathers were willing to take their daughters feelings into account (Schreiber 1876:267). The suicide of defiant daughters was an exception. Usually a father resorted to force against his daughter only if he was under extreme pressure—if, for example, he was heavily indebted, or because he was unable to return the advance on the brideprice with the additional fine for breaking off the engagement.⁶⁵ An orphaned girl was in a particularly vulnerable position.

Her bridegiver, in particular if he was a distant relative of her father, might lack all compassion because he was only interested in the brideprice he would fetch for her.⁶⁶

58 VEM, F/d, 2,1 Ref. Volkmann 1893:7-8 and Ref. P.W. Meis 1904: 291.

59 [Köhler] 1913:18; Vergouwen [1933] 1964:191-3.

60 Vergouwen ([1933] 1964:193) reported that one or more such cases were reported each year. However, it was an exception.

61 Men also sometimes committed suicide, but for other reasons—for example the death of a son (Chapter 4, page 17).

Brenner (1894:259) mentions a difference in the way men and women committed suicide: men usually killed themselves with a knife, whereas women drowned or hanged themselves.

62 VEM, F/b 2,1 Ref. Brakensiek 1911:3.

63 The author of Ruhut ([tr. Meerwaldt]:1904/5:122) wrote that a father would rather pay the fine for the divorce to prevent his daughter from committing suicide, and become the subject of gossip because his daughter had not obeyed him: ‘such a man is sold by his daughter, one says’.

64 Schreiber (1911: 533) reported that impotence of men was not rare.

65 Vergouwen [1933] 1964:262. For the fines on breaking off an engagement, see Patik 1899 [tr. Boer 1921:97].

66 According to Vergouwen ( [1933] 1964:192]) distant kinsmen were still harsh on a girl in the 1920s in the area round

The occurrence of suicide informs us about the essential lack of bargaining power and support young women in traditional Toba Batak society experienced when confronted with an insensitive bridegiver (parboru). Suicide is the ultimate weapon of the powerless, but it can still be regarded as a form of agency to influence the course of events. A Toba Batak daughter would inflict harm not only on herself, but also on those who stood to lose by her death. By committing suicide, she deprived her parboru of the possibility of forging a marital relationship through her mediation and the brideprice he might otherwise receive for her. The dramatic actions of mythical Si Boru Surbajati and her younger sister Si Boru Deak Parujar, who were also forced to marry, underscores that women had a limited say in their own destiny. There was no institution or person they could turn to when in distress.